UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Thank you GAG - that is a wonderful post and much of it gives me hope ... I just have one question (and I'm sure that many others reading this would ask the same). How, when there is an ow involved, can you WANT to be friends with WAH and even if there is no ow, him not wanting you is so hurtful that I just can't see past that ... ?? If my WAH can be so hurtful and deliberately cruel, how can I want to be in a friendship with him? He has wrecked my life ... he knew all that was important to me and has turned it upside down because of what HE wants in life. I can't be his friend when he has an ow and is living a life which he keeps totally secret from me. I just can't do it.

This has got me to thinking ...

I am gathering some strength lately and I feel that it's because I don't spend quite so much time hanging here. I've had a lot on this week with one thing and another so maybe that's done me some good. Maybe my C telling me that I am not progressing, as fast as expected, has also shaken me up a bit.

I'm still scared but I have started to acknowledge the failings of H and acknowledge that he's not deserving of the pedestal I have had him on. I also consider that he's not in MLC but just has narcissistic tendencies, if not an all out narcissistic personality. It's empowering to finally see that in him and start to shake off my funk and stop living in the fog. I think that I may be moving in to the 'next stage' of grieving and that means starting to think about me more and H less. I'm frightened that this inner calm will dissolve and I will be back to square one again.

I know that I am isolated and have few if any friends here but it should not stop me from being me. I am determined next week to prove that to myself and start living again, whatever it is that I can do to achieve that.