Lightbulb is BLAZING NEON now!

[nightshade]

Didn't read all the posts in the thread yet, but I find the idea of emailing or writing in some way a very good one for some people.
My h has trouble in a normal conversation because he gets so keyed up into defending himself that he only hears half of what I'm saying , the other half is spend on him thinking hard on an good excuse or comeback . SO I learned early that writing was the best way. He doesn't have to worry about defending himself as much and he has more time to let it sink before he answers.
Now going to read the rest

nightshade

[Zoo]

Thank you nightshade. My H is a very introspective and closed individual in a lot of respects. If I were to e-mail or write to him everyday he sould say that I was annoying, clingy, and being "up his a$$" even worse then usual. I tried sending him a couple of e-mails just to say "Hi, I'm thinking of your"...hmmm, I get no reply back and so I asked a couple of days later if he got them ( my e-mail has a tendency to disappear into limboland). He said yeah. I asked if he liked them, his response..."I guess,". That was it.

I use to keep a journal where all I did was talk to him in it...we were in a non-speaking phase and I had to do something to get things off of my chest. I mistakenly left the journal behind when I went on one of my "trips" home. H read it and it had some positive effects on our R. I continued writing in it, saying things that I didn't want to say to him face to face. H read it again...BIG MISTAKE! H didn't like what I had to say and it set us back again. I threw the journal in the trash and stopped writing to him period. I keep a solution jounal now but I don't let him near it.

TTFN
Zoo

[Zoo]

I am not having such a great day today

H is very,very angry at me...I'm beating myself up about it and I feel like hell.

First mistake and probably the biggest. I had a huge financial problem that I decided needed to be talked over with H. I agonized over it for 3 hours before I took it to him. I WOKE him up, told him I needed to talk about something important when he was all the way awake...waited about 5-10 min and brought him coffee then told him the problem.

His reaction to the problem was not what I expected (I have been able to tell him stuff and we discuss it and solve the problem together) and I immediately went on the defensive. I put my foot in it and ended up with things coming out the wrong way because I was trying to talk to fast. H left totally P'O'd.

Once he was gone I realized I screwed up by waking him up and hitting him with a problem right off the bat...never a good thing to do. I realized the way I said things was all wrong too. I'm an idiot!

I waited and agonized and blamed and beat-up on myself for 5 hrs then decided to call H at work and try to make amends.

Another bad move. H needs his space when he is angry...lots of it. Calling him at work to apologize for something he doesn't want to talk about was just putting my foot in it again.

H said I din't cause a set-back but he was angry as hell that I woke him up with the problem. Told me I shuld have just left it to tell him tomorrow. H was also angry that I let him sleep so long. Hmmm...angry if I wake him up, angry if I don't??

I had been waiting for H to wake up on his own...one of my changes in pattern...but that just didn't happen. My concern in telling him when I did was because I thought he would get angry at me for not telling him sooner Can anyone say "CATCH-22"??

I told H this on the phone...he basically didn't want to hear anything I had to say. I could just "picture" him sitting there in his chair with the phone tucked under his chin...making a "duck quacking it's beak" motion with his hand the whole time I was talking I went from being apologetic and trying to work through things to PO'd.

I ended the phone conversation.

I got argumentative a few times during the convo...again not good.

This all means that H will not talk to me ( he just came home from work) the rest of the night other then to MAYBE ask me to cook him something to eat. H will not want to spend any time around me and will probably sleep clinging to his side of the bed instead of snuggled up like we have been.

He could get over this by tomorrow...it could last all weekend. I'd be willing to bet on the weekend That is the way it usually works.

Db'ing dictates that I give him his space to get over it and this technique does work with him when we have a DISAGREEMENT. I leave him alone for an hour or so and he gets over it and everything is fine again. I had hoped that this would be a pattern that would carry over into an arguement...instead of holding on to his anger for a day or more he would just take a few more HOURS then usual. This is WHY I have always done my damndest to avoid conflict...I don't like being given the silent treatment and I don't like the way it makes me feel inside nor the stress it causes.

We had so many positives this week...now this:(

Positives:
H said sex life has done a 180 and is now great!

H started asking questions like: "When did you first realize how you felt about me? "What was it that you found so attractive about me?" "Am I a good lover and do I satisfy you?"

We have been enjoying each other's company immensely. A lot of teasing and joking around. Snuggling and cuddling

H has been TOUCHING/STROKING me at night instead of the other way around.

H has been very attentive...getting me things, asking me how I'm doing or what I'm thinking etc.

H said he no longer speaks to OW at all and avoids her whenever possibly. My SF said this is true, he has seen H at work turn around and walk in the opposite direction if he sees OW coming, walk around her department, get up to his department and turn around and walk away if OW is there. I did ask H if he was still experiencing some of the problems he had concerning OW and was told "not even, not anymore"..

So many good things...these are the ones I can remember right now. WHat a shame that we had to end the week with one of us being so angry with the other

Yes, I have been crying (angry at myself!) and I have not put make-up on or done my hair other then blow-drying it. I just don't feel like it. H would probably see it as a lame attempt on my part at trying to make things better.

I guess now it is just a matter of SPACE, TIME, and PATIENCE. I'm not to happy about db'ing right now either


Zoo

[pbee]

Good Morning Zoo,
You are being much too hard on yourself about this. Your heart was in the right place, your alarm clock was not. It's as simple as that. Downplay this backslide immediately and get into that shower and get your gameface on!

You can't beat yourself up about this or you will lose your PMA. It already sounds like you've lost that for abit. Have your pity party and move on.

You're fine, you realize you screwed up, won't do that again and are counting your blessings. All very important steps to getting back on track. You have a ka-chink in you armour, nothing more so don't dwell on this today. And do something like take a nice walk then check it at the door. Go wail to some trees - they're very good listeners and they never tell.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find that composed, serene Zoo that we all and love! (ha, ha-I realize I hardly "know" you but I hope you take this the right way!)

Have a good day; and I mean it!

pbee

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

First off, this is the first slip I have seen you have since moving to piecing. It is going to happen. As Sage keeps telling me; have to get back on the DB horse!

Second and this is most important, being the 'Queen of beating herself up' it won't help and will only hurt you and fix nothing. Have to stop that to move forward. My new motto that I keep trying to remind myself, not always doing it but trying, if I can make amends do so, if not forgive myself, learn from the situation, and move forward. Talking to David the other day said be nice if you could go back in time and fix things but then you would spend your time doing that rather than living in the present. So don't take your present away beating yourself up.

I don't blame you over not liking the silent treatment or the way it makes you feel inside. Is there any chance at a different time your h might read something with you on ways to address conflict and deal with them? I am thinking if I remember correctly the Mars, Venus book has some suggestions on this in it. I know David and I need to work on ways to address conflicts in our R. So if you and H go first I will have some ideas to follow here.

You have some awesome positives going and I'm sure you will be right back there once you get past this glitch. Things are going to happen, and with your strength of mind I'm sure you will work something out here.

{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}

It is supposed to be an awesome weekend and the leaves are beautiful here right now, probably where you are at also. Try to enjoy your weekend and hope your H doesn't stay upset the whole time.

On the e-mail thing, I tend to get myself in trouble more when talking because don't stop and think, if I write I think more. But if real upset those are the emails I am NOT supposed to send!
This one the other day was more a sharing/talking email. Not too long, difficult for me, LOL, and sort of letting him know what was going on with me and my afternoons at work and ideas I had to try to address it rather than drive the two of us batty in the afternoons.

I also usually send the emails to both his work and home address and that way he can read them whichever place he has the time or inclination. He doesn't always answer me, but he reads them and sometimes comments on them in later conversation. I did ask one time if he would rather I not email him and he said no that is fine that you do that, he probably knows this saves him some phone or IM time!

[psluke]

Hey Zoo,

Maybe we can get together this weekend and drive seeing the leaves!

I don't know if going to see David this weekend or not.

Still don't know where you are but sounds like driving distance no problem.

[Zoo]

Hi Pbee

Thanks for the pep talk...it did help some. You spoke to my logical side which is in complete agreement with you Unfortunately my emotional side is trying to be the stronger of the two right now

Zoo

[Zoo]

Thanks for taking me to task Pam As with pbee, I agree with everything you are saying. Maybe it's because H's reaction was so totally unexpected (irritation or annoyance I expected...not a total shut-out) and a bit over irrational given the reason he said he was angry...I
don't know, but I'm having a harder time then usual dealing with this.

A drive sounds like fun but I guess I will have to take a rain-check...supppose to help my parents out this weekend

Zoo

[psluke]

Is it any better yet?

{{{{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}}}}}

Didn't really mean to take you to task. But to point out some things to maybe pick you up!

[shinybear]

Hey Zoo...look at this as something to LEARN from!!!

One thing that I did consistently that CJ HATED was to start the day with a list of "to do's" or bring up possibly contentious issues before the guy had a chance to get out of bed!

I am VERY conscientious of this now, it's not such a big thing to wait a while, is it? I know how YOU felt though, you'd waited already, wanted to get the issue "out there".

Personally, I begin problem solving and planning before my feet hit the floor...others, like CJ and your H, find this a sure way to start a day on a sour note! ..We MUST respect this.

Now, how about if, instead of EXPECTING your H to be PO'd for the rest of the weekend, you act "As if" this weren't such a big deal?

How about a "You know, my timing REALLY sucked this morning, I'm so sorry for starting your day off like that...anything we can do so it ends better????"

Ta ta for now

Shiny