college football is fun. But you don't have to drive all the way to the mountains to watch college football You will feel more accomplished watching a Tivo'd game after the hike.
Now, she says the wants to take it day by day and see how things go. Maybe try to regain our friendship and then maybe date eachother again.
Whenever you have opportunity, you need to let it show that you have taken back control and that she does not hold the reigns on your life. Why should it be left up to her how things need to go? Maybe you should decide whether or not you want to regain friendship with "her" or if you have a desire to date "her" again or not. See what I mean? As long as she feels that she is steering the wheel she won't give up much of anything, but the minute she thinks that "you" want freedom from her (and especially so you can see other women).....then her focus will be on what she has given up and she'll want it back. That is why I encourage you to act as if you think this S will be good. I really think you should approach her about dating others. See what kind of reaction you get and don't agree to any terms would telling her that you have to think about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, good food for thought. I did tell her thursday that i thought the S appeared to be a good thing. I did not go so far as to talk about dating. Need to think about that one. Shoot, I dont even know where I would find a date. Its been so long. But I get the point, its not actually doing it, but haveing W think I am that may make her think about things. She did call last night and ask if I had gone out. i said yes,but gave her no more details. A tiny step in that direction.
Tristan, took your advice and hit the trail in the rain and fog. Made it to the top of the mountain (about 4500' elevation) Will probably pay for it tomorrow in the legs, but great time to destress and enjoy peace and quiet.
Will see W again tomorrow night and then off to the West coast for 4 days of work. Can't beat SF and LA. I am looking forward to the drive between the two and enjoying the Pacific ocean from the PCH. Then I get the kids for the next week. YEH!!!! That gets me pumped.
My S(12) has a cross country meet on Saturday. I have made sure that W knows about it, but she is not committing to attending. guess she needs to see if her son or her social calendar is more important. Ok, ouch, that was a low blow. But she missed the last one because she went out of town. Hope she makes the right choice, but even if she doesn't, I will make s12 feel like a King. But that's a week away An eternity in WAW time. Who knows what will happen between now and then.
Well off to have a few beers and watch some college Football. More later tonight.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
You know you are NOT going to call your wife while in SF and LA...right? No texting. No calls. Call the children - yes. But you are dark and out of pocket on this trip. Don't take her calls. Only listen to her voice mail and read her texts/emails to make sure the kids are ok. At most, to answer a text, a simple "K" or "Busy...catch up w/u later."
Shop for some new duds to wear, too. In fact, have something new on TODAY when you see her. If she comments, "Oh yeah...this? I did some shopping to get ready for my trip to California." Which is honest. But the way she'll read it will give her...pause. Trust me. Coach did this kind of thing. He'd always been a well dressed man, but all of a sudden, when I left, his wardrobe was UPDATED and a little more youthful than it had been. You bet I noticed. Liked it. Wondered about it. 'Nuff said
Go shopping, sir! Cheers ~~~ Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Greek, had no chance to pick up new clothes yesterday before my trip, but will look out in Cali. Probably too $$$ out there. Still, it will be a goal.
Last night was interesting, went to Church and heard an incredible sermon, the gist of which was, before making big decisions in your life, always listen to that little voice in the back of you head. If there is any, any thoughts that you might be making the wrong decision - yeild to that. Pause, take time. Listen to what other are saying and don't get caught up in the passion of the situation. Decisions made from the heart are almost always wrong. (of course in the sermon they refered to it as the Holy Spirit, but if you are not Christian, it could be considered your conscious.) Now as I listend to it, I almost began to get sick with nervousness, wondering if my W had heard it earlier in the day. Now adays we dont attend the same service. I expected that she did, but probably did not listen. It was as though the preacher was speaking to us. To HER.
I came home to her wearing all of her engagement and wedding bands and a big smile on her face, her hair done exactly the way I like. And she said, so, "What did you think of the Sermon, I thought it was really powerful." Well, the GALing 180 DBer in me (who was wearing nice younger looking clothes (wink, wink Greek - I dug them up) says she heard a completely different story and is using it to justify to herself getting a D. But in all honesty, we had a nice evening with NO R or D discussion and no further discussion about the Sermon at all. She went her way and I went mine at the end of the evening. Last night was good. For two hours, the old W emerged from the Fog. Surely to be back by the time I return from my trip....I know she has gotten her L so maybe she is having some second thoughts after writing a BIG $$$ check to pay the retainer......
Well, it doesnt matter, just an interesting tidbit of info. Off to the left coast today where I will not make phone calls or txts except for my boys.
Greek, Sandi, GIMA, Coach and Tristan you all always have such good advice. Don't know where this will end, but every day I feel stronger and more capable of dealing with any outcome!
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Mishka, thanks for the encouraging words. Feel good today. I made it out of ATL ok this afternoon and am DBing from high above Kansas. Wonder if there is record for the highest place to DB? at 37,000 must be close :-)
Greek, W took a pre-emptive clothing strike this morning and asked to take me jean shopping with my s10. A few extra minutes with the little one was good, so I agreed. She proceeded to pick out a pair of (young, nice fitting)jeans and a shirt for me. I can tell you I never would have picked these out by myself, but I felt like a rock star in them. They are spot on for the younger, better dressed, confident crowd. Maybe I should wear them out without her..
As her actions are becomming more erratic, I wonder if she isn't becomming more contridicted inside. Too early to tell. It's almost as though the more she attempts to break free the more she draws back in. Last time she did the clothing thing I started to P immediately. Big mistake. I am sticking to the plan and going dark for the next 72 hours. P will only exacerbate the sitch and push her further away. Going back to read what I did then to make sure I dont make the same mistakes twice. At the same time, I need to prepare for a big pull back as she is on her own for the next week starting Friday morning. I am starting to put together some plans for me and the boys to keep us busy. We have the cross country meet Saturday morning and then thinking a little about taking them to see a good unnamed college football game.
Who knows, maybe another house project ;-)
Front range of the Rockies below A sight to behold and something to make you consider how vast this world is, and how small our problems really are, even though to us they seem huge. Its all a matter of perspective I guess.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
shellshocked If i am reading this right, your wife emerged from the fog indeed. Wearing her rings signifies that she is married in her mind and heart. This is such such a good sign my friend. I dont' want to get your hopes up but damn, you are a lucky dude.
Don't let it get to your head tho. keep playing it cool. keep looking good. Let her come to you.
Man i wish i wish i wish i was in your shoes right now with that dev.
But I get the point, its not actually doing it, but haveing W think I am that may make her think about things. She did call last night and ask if I had gone out. i said yes,but gave her no more details. A tiny step in that direction.
Yes, that is the idea. I also wanted to tell you that if you do not feel comfortable with the "dating", you don't have to discuss dating with her, but just tell her you would like to be single again and that you miss your freedom. That sounds kind of like a "sting" but it gets the message across loud & clear and that is what she needs to hear. You see, she is thinking about herself only. She hasn't stop to consider that you may actually like to be free to date other women. If you were to beat her to the punch, I think it would shake her up.
I know the old W you saw Sunday was uplifting and probably hard for you not to get your hopes up. However, I use to determine in my heart to stay with my H every morning....and by the time I got home from work, I was ready to leave him. So, the up & down decisions are to be expected....especially if she heard something that got next to her. I would like to think that she is out of her fog, but I don't believe it happens quite like that. It "usually" takes time....and coming out of the fog a few steps at a time. However, a good "eyeopener" will make one come out a lot faster!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You will feel more accomplished watching a Tivo'd game after the hike.