Check out the Love Doctor's thread. He's been at this for at least two years, they went to Retrouvaille, he did the Love Dares, he's tried everything. And you know what, she still sleeps in the other room and tells him no sex.
You do sound tired. DBing and Disney...why am I not surprised?
This is your second Disney in just a few months, right? May I suggest that the next getaway be a Gima-all-by-himself getaway? Sounds like you need it. Also, consider it a reward to yourself for months of spot-on, perservering, textbook-perfect, and inspiring DBing.
Hang in there. Go have some no-expectations fun.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, made it through the day. My feelings haven't changed. I just feel neglected, even ignored. I know DB'ing is about being totally unselfish, and I recognize my feelings for what they are - the reaction to (a) a completely and utterly empty love tank coupled with (b) the expectation that that will change.
This was the first day in a long while that took a substantial part of my energy just to carry on a conversation with her. At times, I had to make myself be polite. And, normally, I am NOT that someone who has to make himself have a conversation and make himself be polite.
So, friends, I need some help and input. Is it common for someone to go through what I'm going through? I feel like I have been DB'ing my a$$ off the last 4 1/2 months, and while I have seen some steps towards me, I don't know that I've seen any substantial steps towards me. No real physical contact initiated by her. The sleeping arrangement for this Disney trip shouldn't bother me, but it does.Maybe it's the way she so dismissively said she was fine to sleep on the pull out bed that is what cut pretty deeply. Maybe it's that I wanted her just to sleep in the same bed. Nothing more. Just be there.
You're doing a great job. Hang in there...your W just needs more time. Don't let things frustrate you at this point. Your wife, just like mine, is still on the fence and doesn't know what she wants. Keep showing her what a great person you have become. I'm in the same boat...and it sucks.
It may be time for your own weekend getaway. Call it "GIMA time." Schedule a golfing trip with your buddies. You deserve it.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Could be worse - she could move out. She could hit you with D papers. Just remember how far people on this board have come from way more separation with their spouses.
She HAS been making moves toward you. It IS WORKING. And, if you push, you push her away. You won't get what you want that way. And yes, it always hurts to feel rejected and ignored. But she's still there isn't she?
My H is in the other room right now denying my existence. It kills me. But I tell myself - he's here.
You are great at telling others about how to detach. time for you to detach yourself - for the thousandth time - and try to get to a point where what she is or isn't doing doesn't affect your mood. Remember -= be like water!!!!
PMA - you are in a beautiful place, on vacation, with happy childen and your wife is still in the same suite with you.
I can't afford a vacation - haven't for years - my H sleeps somewhere else, and it's raining. And I still have hope. So look at what you do have, not the snail's pace momentum. You don't want to loose what you have.
I'm glad that you're venting here and not with your W.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Maybe it's the way she so dismissively said she was fine to sleep on the pull out bed that is what cut pretty deeply. Maybe it's that I wanted her just to sleep in the same bed. Nothing more. Just be there.
In my experience, and I think many of the women here would agree, GENERALLY speaking when a man says he wants to share a bed our brains translate that to mean "He wants $ex". Intellectually we know that that may not be the case in individual circumstances such as the one you describe, but that red warning light is still activated in our brains, because being in bed with a man who is frustrated in this way can escalate into a pretty unpleasant situation for both if the woman (for whatever reason) isn't on the same page. From your descriptions it sounds as though you have had limited physical contact to this point. If that's the case, my woman's brain would be confused about the suggestion to move ahead at warp speed. Please understand that I KNOW that was not your intent, but I'm just trying to translate for you what I think a lot of women would HEAR if that suggestion was made.
It is a positive thing that your W lightly brushed off this situation and didn't start an argument about it.
Are there other ways to initiate lower level physical contact while on vacation? Slow dancing and some wine is a great opportunity to make warm physical contact if you both enjoy those. Great way to put a woman in the mood. Even if she isn't ready to act on her thoughts, this will lower her defenses. Maybe you can ML on the dance floor? Other options could be rubbing her shoulders. If she has a headache, offer to massage her scalp or rub her temples. This is all 4play.
"He's probably thinking that since there is one room, I will share it with him. Just because we are on vacation doesn't mean I'm going to do that. I'm going to give myself the time I need - I NEED - to reach decisions that are comfortable for me. I've been making concessions and compromises for years and putting myself out. Just because we're on vacation doesn't mean I'm taking a vacation from doing what I need to do at this time. And besides, what if I did share the bed with him now BECAUSE we are on vacation - just to be festive, convenient or not make waves - and then what do I do when I get home? Move back into the bedroom - not ready? Or not knowing if I'm ready? Then have to move out again because I feel pressured or pressured myself? No. I'm committed to choosing for the right reasons for me. It's honest."
I don't know Mrs. GIMA...obviously. But I'm just imagining myself in her shoes (I was in her shoes) and what/how I might see this sitch. I promise you, if you are moping even just a little, she detects it. She has been bracing herself for it.
My father told me once, "If you can't be happy in one way, be so in another." Find all the reasons to be happy on your vacation RIGHT NOW, put the negative feelings away for now. Expressing the negative feelings right now will not move you closer to your goal. Not saying don't deal with them or that they are not valid...just that now is not the time or place.
Stretch out in the bed and enjoy the whole damned thing Cheers ~ Greek (sad LSU fan)
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thanks Hope, GAG and Greek. It is priceless to have a woman's perspective on this.
Just needed a little attitude adjuster. And I've done that.
@Greek, I understand. I did withdraw a bit yesterday am, but pulled it together. I'm sure she noticed, b/c she even pursued me a little bit. Wouldn't say I was moping as much as pulling back. Just didn't WANT to interact with her. Better now. And, I DO NOT want her coming back to the marital bed, or our M, out of guilt or any other wrong reason.
So, the in-laws, who live close by, are coming by for lunch today to see the kids. Earlier this am, I got up, got both the kids showered/bathed and made coffee, all before W got up. I even made her a cup of coffee before she even got out of bed.
I then grabbed the kids and went on an adventure to find a new grocery store that was closer to the resort. Had a great time just doing the mundane.
PMA the rest of the trip. I'll deal with MY feelings later.
