Who is this person?

[Day by Day]

@Hope4Luv- while I wish H and I could have had a MC session, I know I and possibly he was not in a state for progress. He's too angry and I was too nervous and hurt and angry. I really don't want to be NC, but I do feel it's best. I'm tired of being hurt, walking on eggshells, and feeling like he's punishing me. While it seemed before with contact that things were getting better, he wasn't respecting me. I was being a doormat. And I think it was keeping me from GAL for real. Thinking of you. ((Hugs))

Quote 25yrsmlc:

"Til then, DETACH...I think your real fear is you'll see the selfishness he now is showing and that maybe this IS HIM....and maybe you never saw it before. Well if that's true, okay fine. Better to know now than spend your whole life pretending he's someone he's not and always disappointing you."

This really struck me as my C said that H is a controlling person and that he managed it before, but now he is no longer pretending he's not. Then your comment... so you picked up on my fear. Gotta figure that out.

"He wants to be single right now and you are making it so easy. How? By pointing out the drag of family life and all the NEEDS the kids and you have that HE must meet. Instead, be having a ball. Let him realize (without you forcing him to, which you can't do anyhow) that HE is the one missing out. He's the one facing loss, NOT YOU..."

I was bored in our M in the past year, now I don't have to follow his likes and choices. My life centered around him and all his activities. I didn't like that. I need to remember what I did like to do. It was terrible when he did ask me to choose something to do after I complained, my mind went blank because I had forgotten. So, yes. I must GAL. Yes, it'll make me more attractive and happy. And yes, I remember H saying something to the effect of him wishing I would quit relying on him for my own happiness. I hadn't realized I was like that. Eew.


Journaling:

Working on GAL. I need to focus MUCH more on that.

What I'm doing:

Had my haircut and lightened again. This time even lighter.

I went out last night with a friend and she brought along another very bubbly friend for me to meet. We went for drinks and to listen to a band play. Ugh. I really hate to think I might have to be in the singles scene. For sure I know that I'm not ready to even think about dating. Just had fun.

Today went for my run and hung out for breakfast with my friends.

Making plans with my friends for our race that is out of town next month. We'll be staying overnight.

Focusing on the heavy dose of advice I got from 25. It's helped me see how I wasn't doing enough for me or the kids. And how I need so much, much more patience.

Accepting that it's such a long road.

Planning on going to fall festivals this weekend.

Giving up on hearing from H. He will have to contact eventually for the kids. Gotta stop thinking about what he's thinking or doing--it won't make sense anyhow.

Search for a heavy-duty raincoat for when he does spew.