Lightbulb is BLAZING NEON now!

[Zoo]

H and I had a pretty good weekend. You would think we'd be ready to strangle each other since we've been cooped up together for so long! We have managed to give each other space and time alone and that helped tremendously.

I did approach H with the statement that I hoped he realized that I needed reassurance regarding our R/M once in awhile and that I had the feeling that he felt I should KNOW things without having to ask. H said that is just it...you should KNOW. I told him that at this point I couldn't know everything...things felt so raw and I still had some worries that I was working through but that it was getting easier for me. H kissed and hugged me then and I changed the subject.

This little exchange told me this...H is WITH ME. For him that alone speaks volumes, more than any words he could tell me. H has been SHOWING me on a pretty continual basis that his feelings for me have returned, that our M is something he wants. I had started wondering last week if perhaps some of his irritability wasn't due to some of his "old" thoughts and feelings resurfacing due to our constantly being around each other. DUMB ME! As soon as H started feeling better he became more affectionate and attentive again...the NEW AND IMPROVED H that I am really liking alot

A puzzling question from H last night really threw me for a loop though. He asked "Am I a good lover for you?" ! H has NEVER voiced any concern on his part in this area...if anything he has always been quite boastful and pretty damn sure of himself. Before, when I would tell him that he "pleased me quite well" he would make statements like "I've been told that before" or "yep, I've never had any complaints...they always come back for more". Yes, those statements hurt me somewhat but I couldn't argue with facts I told him that I yes, he was a good lover but then he asked me WHAT made it so for me??? I gave him my explanation but then a thought dawned on me so I asked if I had somehow made him feel inadequate...H said no, not at all...that sex had vastly improved between us and seemed to be getting better all the time. I didn't pursue the convo too much...didn't really know how to actually. I just told him I loved him then I went to sleep.

I'm wondering if some sense of remorse might be starting to creep in...things have been going really well between us and our R is becoming better then it ever was, is H beginning to realize that he almost threw this all away?

More stuff to ponder

Zoo

[Zoo]

I posted the following on another thread but felt kind of guilty about "threadjacking" so I decide to post it again here and make my reply's regarding to others on this thread

Pbee brought something up that I think gets overlooked a lot. Just how much do we PROJECT to our S's the feelings/thoughts we try so hard to repress while we do the best DB'ing we can? From my reading of the BB most of us are doing 180's, acting "as-if", practising SBT etc. in the hopes that our errant H/W's will notice the "changes" we are bringing about. I wonder just how many of us still carry the mind-set within us that our aliens really aren't paying attention though? Is this the brick wall that so many of us run into on a regular basis? We THINK we are changing...we SAY we are changing... but how many of us actually stop and ask ourselves "what exactly have we changed?" and answer the question truthfully? How many of us rely solely on physical change (appearance, actions, behaviour) without taking those few extra steps to bring about emotional, spiritual and character changes as well? I see daily postings that reflect physical changes bringing about certain responses, toward goals or away from goals, and everyone wanting to know what they should do next (myself included) but very few postings that reflect "whole"(physical,spiritual,emotional and character) changes. Those postings that I read that DO relect "whole" changes are by those people who achieve the most success. Is this the MISSING link?? We all tell each other that in order to effect change in our R/M's we have to change ourselves...how many of us really take it all the way though?

Pbee- This pretty much stemmed from a quick analysis of the post you made to Gabi and the correlation I saw between it and many of the other posts that I read yesterday. You said in your reply:

If there is projecting then there is reflecting as well. How your mate sees themselves through an OP eyes.

I couldn't agree with this more! To me this is what validation is about, vocalizing the reflection we see or perceive. I just keep getting the idea from the posts that I read that in our efforts to address the reflection we see we forget about the projection we make. This could account for a great deal of the confusion the aliens tend to show. Even though in OUR minds we are doing a,b & c...we are projecting our true feelings. THe H/W picks up on that and to them we are saying one thing but showing (in our eyes, tone of voice, body language etc) something totally different. We at some level still tell ourselves that they really aren't paying attention...I think we sell them short

If this is true then many of us aren't taking our changes far enough or aren't truly sincere about them. How many inact a change and get all excited when it brings about the result they wanted but over time don't maintain that change or don't take it to the next level? Yes, it can be said that one is basically "doing what works" but I'm trying to delve a little deeper than that. We do want our M/R's and ourselves to be better then they were before right?

I am not implying that people are just going throught he motions when they say they have changed. It is just that from everything I have read on the BB, internet and in books the one thing that screams at me is that complete,sincere change is imperative to successfully turn a lost M around. That is why all of the techniques in Michele's books work...they exact real change. Maybe we should add this to our list of what to look for each day. We tell people to list their goals, solutions to those goals, note positives and baby steps...perhaps we should also ask "what change have you made today? Is it sincere? Is it a change that is beneficial to you and/or your M/R? Do you intend to build on it and if so how? Yes, treat it the same as a goal basically Some might even ask "what is the difference...goals and change sound the same to me". I am refering to a real change in self which should in turn benefit the goals one makes for self and M/R. I think it is something that is being only dealt with at the surface level by many of us in our rush to get our H/W's back. That is why I emphasized "whole" change. When I read peoples goals for there selfs I see :
1. lose weight
2. workout/exercise
3. dress better
4. haircut/make-up
5. Don't analyse, yell,argue etc.
Most are all based on some form of physical change. Surface change.

I made some of those same goals myself and affected the physical changes. They were appreciated and commented on by H but they weren't enough to reach the turn around. I re-addressed them.

1. I will not allow myself to wallow in misery and self pity.
2. My strength of will is one of my best assets. I will no longer keep it curtailed in order to kowtow to or please another.
3. I am allowed to analyse but only in reference to myself and the changes I wish to make in me...not the problems in my M.

These are just examples...my list is longer

I would say one of the best examples I have found regarding "whole" change is BillM's thread (s). Read all of them if you can and you will see a metamorphasis that is awe-inspiring. He has links to his entire sitch on his current thread there are parts left over

Bye for now
Zoo

Also I thought of another inportant element: applying patience to conversations especially R talk.

Enough cannot be said about patience. I think it is the biggest struggle many of us have...bigger even then trust issues. I always think that I have finally run out of patience but somehow manage to pluck some out of thin air

[shinybear]

Excellent post, Zoo

For me the sincere, soul deep changes began even before I found DR. I think most of that was the shock of seeing myself through CJ's eyes for the first time.

It was not a pretty picture.

My changes, which include letting go of control, dropping sarcasm and yelling and nagging from my bag of verbal abuse, (I'd like to think that bag is empty now...) validating what CJ is feeling, becoming a more relaxed and less anxious person are pretty much all in the realm of deep personal growth.

I lost weight during the worst of times, but that was grief loss...I've since put on a few too many (that's another story) but when I get in better shape it will be for ME. (CJ was never one to criticise nor to praise any physical changes anyway...)

I WILL say, however, that while the changes in me were occurring, there were times when CJ caught the discrepency between my DB words (sure, go out to the bar without me ) and my true feelings.

No wonder he doubted for quite some time if the changes were "for real".

Getting tired...probably not making much sense any more so I'll sign off...nighty night!

Shiny

[sage]

Hey,

My changes, which include letting go of control, dropping sarcasm and yelling and nagging from my bag of verbal abuse, (I'd like to think that bag is empty now...) validating what CJ is feeling, becoming a more relaxed and less anxious person are pretty much all in the realm of deep personal growth.

I think ( ) that most of my DB changes are like Shiny's...mainly in the area of internal personal growth. Some (most?) of them came pre-bomb...during the period when I "knew" that h was involved in an a but didn't have concrete proof. I just found myself finally able to let the little things go...no longer carry around that undercurrent of anger, etc.

I WILL say, however, that while the changes in me were occurring, there were times when CJ caught the discrepency between my DB words (sure, go out to the bar without me ) and my true feelings.

Yah...ditto this for me, too...I think that h is still testing whether or not the changes are real (that's ok...I know I"m gonna pass that test)...in the last couple of weeks he's questioned some of my more giving acts ("I just don't want you to say it's ok and be mad about it inside"). I'm fine with continuing to show him it's for real...proves it to me, too!

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

Very thought provoking post!

I do think some of my changes are internal rather than external. I'm afraid that was the area that needed the most work.

But your post certainly gives me a lot to think about.

Hope you and H are feeling even better today and love the R you are building here.

[NoLongerHere]

Wow Zoo! I was reading your post, really appreciating the wisdom of your words, then saw your kind comments about me. Thanks so much!

I've been thinking about your earlier post too, I'm struggling with this feeling too of "what's really going on here??" W is clearly committed now, clearly happy, clearly things are great. SHe still suffers a lot of anxiety, though, and I feel a need for reassurance too. We're still rebuilding key parts of our relationship, particularly intimacy. I guess it's time and patience, and not forgetting to focus on myself - she's still got her things to do, still a lot of work, and I want to avoid returning to the pattern of trying to extract security from the R. In some ways, I guess DBing has to become a way of life, maintaining our complete core, complete selves, and bringing that to our R.

I'm rambling, sorry - very tired right now, but wanted to pop in and visit. Chat with you soon Zoo - thanks again -

- Bill

[GParker]

Wow, Zoo, your thread is truly inspirational and gives me a lot of hope. I'm so busy with life that it isn't until I collapse in bed that I can reflect on what I'm doing. I really pay attention to how I interact with people. I feel like the biggest way I have changed is that I'm not looking to my H to provide me with individual happiness. I am confident in myself and my abilities.

One thing I'm working on is my tendency to procrastinate. Being a student this is not an asset and leads to some late nights. I think the reason why I have a hard time changing this is that it has never affected my grades or work. I still have an A average I just always have that feeling if I wouldn't put things off I could do better personally.

Anyway sorry to ramble on your thread, I wanted to stop by and say Hi and congrats for being in piecing. I think my H might have an idea about this site as he could see it in the history file. I haven't said anything that I wouldn't want him to see as I feel like I can be honest with him, I just am not sure he'd understand my need for this BB.

Anyway

Blessings
G

[Zoo]

Thanks for stopping by Bill and Gabi !

Bill- I know what you mean about looking to the R for reassurance and trying to break that habit. I still catch myself doing the same thing. It would probably help me more if I hade more personal interaction with people but that is something that is difficult for me to do being stuck out here in the boonies with no transportation. I have a great deal of time to myself so what I usually do to prevent myself looking to H for constant reassurance for everything is have an imaginary conversation with him while he is gone. It works surprisingly well for me and I tend to get the answers I want LOL! Your right though...time and patience are big keys and yep, DB'ing has to become a way of life

Gabi- I use to be a procrastinator too...unfortunately H is a bigger procratinator then I am and I felt it just wouldn't do to have two in the same house so I started making myself get off my butt and doing things I do indulge once in awhile though...sometimes I only do housework every other day instead of every day...WOOHOO!!

I'm really tired so I will write more tomorrow...have a lot of things I need to get down before I forget them...GOOD things too!

~grin~
Zoo

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

I am so happy for you that things are going so well. I was thinking as I was reading your post to me and the one to Shiny, of your first thread and how you seem so different now!!!

Thank you for your post to me. I think you are fairly accurate on what you have written. Maybe a little over but overall pretty close.

On the email, that is actually the way Calystra has suggested we do most of our communicating for awhile. Because it gives more thinking time than IM or phone conversations.

David even said it was a well thought out email!

It was all positive nothing negative.

Sorry to respond here but locked out and not ready to start new thread this morning.

[Zoo]

Not a problem Pam. I didn't realise that e-mailing was a suggested thing for the two of you. I tried it with my H and basically turned out to be a no-go.

Don't know about my doing so well today...I screwed some stuff up this afternoon...fixing to post about it in a seperate reply.

Hope you got a new thread started
Zoo