John, I suspect the celebration of your parents 50 years together, has something to do with it.
You know, as much as I like you and love you as my cousin, I dont like the fact that you sound cynical sometimes. Makes me feel your D really changed you. And I cant think of a worse thing to happen to me (and to the people I care for) than give up on romantic ideas such as lasting love and trust.
Which brings me back to how I feel today. I said angry. Well, it's not anger. It's disappointed, I want to complain, I want to ask questions that have no answers like "why did you do that to us, to our family, why did you betray our love for someone you now say was nothing, how can I live with you and feel safe again, is there anything you could do to change the feeling of mistrust, why were you choosing to hurt me all those months I had no idea about your affair, why the hell do you say NOW that you love me?"...
Little things, trigger emotions I havent felt since the bomb. I cant help of thinking what it would be like if I did try. The wise thing would to be wait. Not force the divorce nor agree to anything. But I am growing impatient. This stupid limbo is keeping me from finally letting go of the hurt. It's my choice, I know. But through out this mess, I managed to stay focused and not act on impulse and I believe acting on impulse now would do me no good.
There are days I am not thinking of the A. I think only of the future and the possibilities. But days like today that for some reason I replay the details of the lies, affect my mood big time. We married out of love, I trusted him blindly, I had no idea he would hurt me so much and jeopardise my sanity and our kids' happiness. What kind of monster does that make him? Maybe I am just too naive. Maybe there is something wrong with me indeed, my BF said I am obcessed (sp?) with him to even consider his request. And she is someone I would call "soft and weak" when it comes to feelings...
I wonder how the people that did come thru As did it. There a few on here, I know Lotus (right?), Brandnewday, Saffie and more... It seems so impossible for me, I dont know... K
