Well, made it to Disney and we are checked in. When we came into our room - 1 bedroom condo, I set my stuff on the master bed. Let's see what W does. And she said she would just sleep in the other room (living room really) with the kids. I told her she could sleep "back here" (meaning the bedroom). But she said "No, its fine."
I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I am. Dam* expectation. But, I see it for what it is - my mistake. Move on.
My thought on claiming the large bed was if we were "normally" M'd, there is no doubt WE would be in that bed. I didn't choose to leave - this is what W expressed some months ago. So, the marital bed is "back here" where I am, not out where you are. You know where to find me.
So after returning from the grocery store, W makes me some hot tea. Just like last night.
So, what's the sitch? Sleeping in the same bed just something she's not ready for? Too big a step? If so, we apparently need more time. By we, I mean she.
So what's the stumbling block for her? Still afraid of getting hurt again? Well, I'm hurting too dammit. Just needed to vent for a second. I know she has hurt too, and probably for a while. My patience is running low. I know my love tank is bone dry. I know how to fix those things. It would just be nice to have some help for a change.
I assume that you and your wife had not had sex in a long time. And I assume that is her choice. But I wonder whether the underlying motivator is a desire to get away from sex or because she is unhappy with the marriage. Just from observing people, I have come to the conclusion that there are many women who simply don't want sex anymore.
GIMA - don't push it. You are doing great with her - so many steps toward each other. Remember that. She may just need to go at a snail's pace. She brought you the tea - she's still moving toward you. You're gonna make it! You're doing great!
I agree with Hope4Luv. Take some deep breaths and do something nice just for yourself. You have worked too hard getting to this point to make missteps now. Your W, for whatever reason, can't move to the next step with you right now. It might be a good idea to get away for a short time --- go for a walk, sit on the patio in the warm sun with the morning newspaper and a great cup of coffee, listen to your children talking and laughing in the next room........
My coach often encouraged me to get H to laugh to help maintain and enhance my emotional bond with him.....laughter causes the release of oxyocin, the "bonding" hormone. This hormone is released after org*$m, and promotes "cuddle" time. Laughter is a form of pleasure and promotes relaxation. This sounds kind of geeky, but neurochemistry plays a big role in biology, including mating behavior. (Sometimes I am SUCH a geek! )
GIMA, Am I going to have to come to Disney a few weeks early and kick your azz?
She's moving towards you, but how many times do you need to hear PATIENCE, PATIENCE AND MORE PATIENCE before you get it?
Ok. 2x4 over.
You did claim the martial bed. She's not ready yet. Let it go, have a great time. While you're there, do everything fun you can, with our without her. When my W and I were in about the same place as you, we went to Disney. We went down for 10 nights and the 4th night in Tropical Storm Fay showed up and planted herself right over central Florida for a week. So, that threw a wrench in a Disney trip. W didn't want to go to the parks in the rain so the kids and I WENT WITHOUT HER. And within an hour of us leaving she was TMing us like crazy asking what we were doing etc. And when we'd come back to the room we'd share with her the great time we had that day and all she'd missed and ya know what? It only took a couple of those days of us going without her before she was buying a raincoat and going with us.
Was there a wonderful turn around in her that trip? Uh...no. One day later in the trip we were having a great time at Epcot and I leaned in to give her a kiss and she turned her head and walked away. My mistake, she wasn't ready yet. So did I get pissed? Inside, yes, outside, didn't let it show. Went on having a great time with the kids and when she wanted to join in, we welcomed her.
This crap takes a long time. And every day longer she's with you and the kids and bringing you tea and asking about a brief you're writing and enjoying time with you is a step TOWARDS you.
So she isn't sleeping in that giant king sized bed (I love how huge they are in DVC 1 BR's). Enjoy it. You've got this whole huge bed to enjoy, plus you have that awesome jacuzzi tub right next to your bed. I'd suggest using it one night after you all go to bed. It'll kill her that you're enjoying yourself while she's out sleeping on that uncomfortable hide a bed in the living room. And if she mentions hearing you in the tub the next morning, say "yeah, it was a great way to loosen up the muscles after a long day at the park. You should try it" and leave it at that.
What you're doing is working GIMA.
Sorry for being a little rough, but it's only because I see so much of my sitch in yours and I don't want you to blow it in the 4th quarter.
H4U.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thanks guys. I was angry last night but didn't let it show.
@Hope4us, no, you weren't too rough. Trust me, I can take it after all this stuff. And you are right. The voice in my head told me the same as I was angry last night.
@Lotus, I agree with you. My W is going through early menopause and when she dropped the bomb, she said point blank, she does not want sex with anyone. And yeas, we haven't had sex since before the bomb, which was in April. Which is NOT fun. I honestly think she could go the rest of her life and not want or nedd sex. Which is troubling. B/c I (a) can't and (b) won't.
Ok, so I will, and have, take deep breaths. Now, to get back to work. I'm having fun with or without her.
Well, good morning. Took the kids to epcot early and had a great time. Back from the parks to relax in the pool. Then back to the parks later, after it is less hot (notice I didn't say cooler).
I'm not showing it, but I have that don't give a dam* feeling. Maybe even a little "I'm done" in there too. I don't think I'm done - just think its the anger talking. But, I am honest about what I'm feeling - here,not in front of my W. So, I'm throwing myself into the kids and while not ignoring her, I'm having fun, for me. If she joins, woop dee do. If not, so what.
I don't mean to sound bitter. I'm not. A little angry and impatient. And tired.
I honestly think she could go the rest of her life and not want or nedd sex. Which is troubling. B/c I (a) can't and (b) won't.
If what you say is true, that you can't and won't go without sex the rest of your life. Then it's time to stop barking up the wrong tree. She told you her truth. You will go through the rest of your life without sex if you continue to live in denial. She's happy as a clam with the current relationship. No waves. Pleasant living together, financial support, no sex. If that's not what you want for the rest of your life, then you need to make some new plans.
Well, here's the issue. I thought the no sex thing was part of the WAW thing. It may have been, or may not. We haven't broached that subject b/c we are not back to much, if any, intimacy, much less sex.
The whole process is wearing on me. I'm tough, but God.
No doubt I will not live in a loveless or sexless M. And if we discuss it, whenever that's appropriate, and she expects no sex, I am done.
with the morning newspaper and a great cup of coffee, listen to your children talking and laughing in the next room........
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