How are you feeling today? The issues you're facing are not easy. Please be kind to yourself.....pamper yourself a bit. I know it is difficult to think about doing the things that Julia suggests. When my DB coach suggested those same things I thought to myself "How can I do that? That is counter to every (survival) instinct I have." But I DID do those things and I think that they led to the best possible outcome that I could have had from the "hand I was dealt". Friends and family who questioned this approach continue to be amazed at how much this approach and the friendship that was cultivated between H and myself helped in the negotiations I had with my H. Within the first few days after the bomb my closest family and friends were advising me to put all of H's belongings out on the curb. But I didn't take that advice. I chose the DB route. Jody (DB coach) told me that if I cooperated with H it would SUPERCHARGE the 180s. This didn't mean that I cooperated fully with H. I just let him take the lead and do the legwork himself.
One year later, after a lot of prayers, karma, and H's generosity, this is where my sitch led me (sorry, long post, but I hope there is something in here that will be useful to you or someone else):
1) 2 months after the bomb H wanted to have our home appraised so that he could enforce the terms of our prenup. Our home had lost ~15-20% of its value because of the recession. It was clear that H was trying to take the house from me because he made more money than me and I didn't have any prospects for making more income, so wouldn't be able to buy the home myself.
2) 1 month later out of the blue (divine intervention I believe) I was offered a full-time job that gave me ~70% more income (more than H) and allowed me to work 25 hr/week less. I could now qualify to buy our home myself!
3) H filed for D 1 month later, 4 months post-bomb (he didn't know that I was considering a job change. I had been advised by attorney to keep this quiet). H began to withhold part of his share of the mortgage and household expenses.
4) 2 weeks later I told H about job offer and that I would work ~25 hr/week less than before (H said he left because I worked too much). His attitude toward me noticeably softened. When I took the new job, H actually spent ~4 hours helping me move out of my old office.
5) Our first and only court date was 1 month later (5 months post-bomb). My lawyer notified H and his attorney that I had first option to buy our home because H had violated our prenup by withholding financial support for our home.
H was shocked. He and his attorney had missed this point in a document attached to the pre-nup. I had done my homework (WORDS OF WISDOM: read everything Nell. Don't trust your attorney to do this for you. He/she will have a lot of clients. You need to know everything about your case and ask your attorney appropriate questions. THEN.....let your attorney be the the BAD guy/gal. That way your H can't be directly upset with you. He will blame it on the attorney. In my case, H became very irritated with HIS attorney after this point. I was annoyed with my attorney too. H and I began to bond over our mutual disdain for our attorneys, so even THAT situation was used as a bonding experience for us.
6) I got a second appraisal for our home. The value of our home had dropped even further. I negotiated a sales price for our home that was even lower than the first appraisal. Five months after the 1st appraisal I was able to turn this situation around to my advantage. H ended up buying a home in a less desirable neighborhood. He now complains that he spent too much for it.
God, the universe, and I had really turned the tables on H. I took every opportunity I had (there haven't been a lot) to show H's friends and colleagues how happy I was that I had changed jobs. Told them "H was right. I really DID work too much. I am much happier now". I left it to his friends/colleagues to draw their own conclusions about why H was doing what he is doing.
7) Over the next 2 months H and I negotiated the terms of our D decree. I made him initiate all meetings. We always talked at our home (where I was living). I DB'ed my ar$e off. I baked fresh olive loaf, served wine, had cinnamon candles burning, and had a fire in the fireplace. The house looked immaculate and I looked great! These meetings gave me the only opportunity I've had to date to see some of H's sadness. He actually admitted that we really HAD had some wonderful times together. These sessions led us into firm friendship territory by 9 months post-bomb.
8) We have been in friendship territory for the past 4 months even though he had a 2 month relationship with a woman during that time. I'm sure she didn't know that he was exchanging a lot of e-mails with me and spending evenings at the house with me from time to time, exchanging warm hugs and chaste kisses during that period.
9) Even though H and I haven't reconciled, over the past year we made many more very nice memories together. We shared laughs and continue to have a warm bond. I prefer this to the feeling of loss (like a death) that I would have if H and I were enemies. That is what I think would have happened if I had been oppositional and not used DB techniques. As they say, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself".
Nell, sorry this has been so long. Just wanted to provide an example of how this can play out and give you MORE than you might get from taking an oppositional stance.
