PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Thanks HBH!

Another doozie -
I have resolved myself to staying out of H's bedroom for a few months now. Unfortunately, this morning, I was impelled to go see if something I had given to him back when I was doing all the wrong things was still in it's place on his nightstand under a stack of other crap as it had been for months. I'm feeling a tremendous amount of fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness/depression/anger coming off of last night.

One of my last acts out of anger that I did months ago was a display of items that I set up on his bed. Included were a box full of our wedding/vacation photos, a clear container with a bunch of new lingerie/stillettos/stripper shoes of mine, a box with some sexy underwear for him (sarcastic note on top that read "Maybe you can still get some use out of these."), another box with all kinds of cute things that I had been collecting for special date nights that I had planned to do & included in it were a brand new box of Your's & Mine personal lubricant and a box of massage oils, along with some notes to him/gifts to him, a pair of baggies and a note about going to the beach with him, a pair of dirt-bike riding goggles with a note about us going riding together.

So, I set this display up all neatly on his bed and included in a framed picture one of the last pics we took together on our trip to Cali in March. The picture frame said Love Is... patient, kindness, affectionate..etc. Love is unconditional at the bottom. I set that picture along with a baggie containing our wedding rings stapled to a copy of our marriage license on top of everything along with a hammer and a lighter and a note that read, "Some things to remember me by and my suggestions as to what I think you should do with them." Also, off to the side was some papers that I had been keeping of a list of fun things and activities that I thought we could do together when I was brainstorming one day many moons ago. The date on the printout was back in 2003, so I attached a note to that as well that read "You laughed when I told you I had been asking you to do things together for a while now. P.S. Check the date." This is the paper that has been sitting under the stack on his nightstand the last time I checked a while ago. I wanted to take it back because I figured he would probably start using it in his R with OW. Making OW think he is this new, fun guy with all these ideas of things to do. Meanwhile, it's still all from me.

I know, I know, this whole thing was a textbook WHAT NOT TO DO while DBing. But, alas, in learning how to DB, I resolved myself to it doesn't matter anymore anyway. So, in my moment of weakness this morning, I go in room to check and see if list of activities is still on his nightstand. Entire nightstand had been cleaned off. So I check the drawer and there in drawer is the box of Your's & Mine and baggie with massage oils along with said list of activities underneath.

This find sent me realing emotionally. WTF???? He really has no scruples in any of his doings, does he. He knew those items were meant for us and since they weren't going to be used by us, why couldn't he just keep them in the place they were, in the box in his closet. How can he have no qualms about using them with OW and/or by himself, when he knows where they came from and the intentions of my buying those items? How does one block out any sense of decency in their brain to allow them to do whatever and not think about it? I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I think I'm reaching my point of no coming back. It's been too much for too long. How much can one person keep taking? I think I am certifiably insane.