PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Well, I royally screwed up...sigh.

Thursday evening - H came home to me cleaning kitchen. Exchanged hello's. Could tell H was not feeling good and/or not in best mood. H told me a little about his day, but not like usual in-depth friendliness with it. H said he wasn't feeling good, confirming my observation.

I had music CD playing which was a burned copy and started skipping. H goes to his truck and gets CD case with real CD and gives to me to put in player to keep listening to. (This is also the same band that was mentioned by him that is coming in concert that he knows I want to go see.)

Made H dinner, he ate in living room while watching TV, I ate at kitchen bar. Then I cleaned up dishes and went to my room for a while. A friend called and I chatted with her for a while in my room. She had me laughing pretty hard and I'm sure H heard me out in living room even though my door was closed. (Kind of gives me satisfaction when things like this happen, so he can see I still have a life, people still want to talk to me, and I can still laugh and be playful too.)

Got in my shorty-pj-shorts and see-through white spaghetti tank top so you could see my bright melon push-up bra straight through it and went back to living room with my blanket to watch TV. Think H was a little surprised to see me back. I'm sure he thought I would just be in my room for the night. But caught a little checking-me-out look on him as I was sitting down. Then he says "You've gotta see this show" and instantly rewinds show for me to watch with him. I ended up falling asleep on couch and then went to bed. It was close to midnight and H was still awake on couch when I left. After I got in bed, few mins later I heard the familiar incoming text ding-ding of his phone out in the living room. Heard several more after that but didn't hear his usual ding when he texts back. ?

Friday - Came home for lunch and H was home. (He usually comes home earlier than me for lunch on my work days so this was different.) H fixes his lunch and then goes and changes from work clothes to regular clothes. Ok, so he's not going back to work, and not sure what that's about. So, I still have to go back to work, but we were through with seeing patients, so I went into bedroom and changed into mini jean skirt and tight top with cute wedge heels and pack backpack with workout clothes for gym later. Walk out of bedroom and get an instant "Where are you going?" from H. Me - "Oh, I just have some things to take care of." Then H - "Are you going to be home this weekend?" - Me "Yes." I finish eating my lunch, say to H on my way out door "See ya later and have a good weekend if I don't see you later." H was falling asleep and said "See ya."

Then as I was walking to garage door, there on floor was a hair that did not belong to me. I have come across the OW's hair now many times and have not said a word about it previously. So, I stopped and started some panicked/anxious/crazy/adrenaline thinking... Was OW here last night? Is he bringing OW here at night when I am asleep or when he thinks I'm not here or won't be here? Was he asking me about this weekend because if I'm not here he thinks he can bring OW here? So, I almost went to talk to him right then. But decided, no, I need to stop and think about this and what I want to say first and just left. Another huge 180 for me, as I normally would always react first and think later.

Home later. H still home and in kitchen as I enter. H says he just woke up and is feeling better. H is about to leave kitchen area and this is when I ROYALLY SCREWED UP:

AFG - "Are you leaving soon?"
H - "Yes, why?"
AFG - "Just wanted to see if you had a minute before you leave."
H - "Sure." Starts walking back to kitchen.
AFG - "Well, maybe we should sit in living room."
H - "Oh boy, it's that serious?"
AFG - Quick thinks - H is associating LR with my previous "we have to talk" R talks. DR said to change the place where you talk. "No, that's ok, let's just stay in here."
H - Grabs barstool and sits across from me in kitchen.
AFG - "I just wanted to tell you thank you again for coming to me and asking me a couple weeks ago about having other people over and taking me into consideration on that."
H - "It's ok. I just wanted to talk to you about it. I don't want to disrespect you."
AFG - "Thank you, I appreciate that. However, I keep coming across physical evidence of this other person."
H - Gets smirk on his face and kinda snickers "Physical evidence, what kind of physical evidence?"
AFG - "Hair."
H - "What kind of hair?"
AFG - With common sense tone "Hair."
H - "I don't know what to say about that." with funny look on face.
AFG - "I'm not looking for an explanation. However, I wanted to make it completely clear to you my position and standpoint. I feel like it would be rude, disrespectful, insensitive, and completely inappropriate if you were to allow this person to come here. I don't care if I'm here or not, asleep, awake, it doesn't matter to me."
H - cuts me off "Why would it matter if you're not here. If you tell me you're not going to be here for the weekend or the evening. Why would it matter then?"
AFG - "Because this was OUR home, still is OUR home, regardless of where we are at in this situation. I know it is not an ideal situation for either of us, but I want it to continue peacefully and harmoniously and I am working hard to keep it that way."
H - "Well, she has never been here before but I just don't understand why it's a problem if you're not here."
AFG - Started getting teary "You see, I didn't want to get emotional about this."
H - "Get emotional if you have to."
AFG - "I'm starting to feel like an animal that's being backed into a corner with you pushing this and who's only defense and reaction is going to be to lash out and I don't want to go there. I'm not that person anymore. I'm doing the best I can to find a job so I can support myself and get out of here. And if I could just disappear and get our of your way, I would."
H - getting irritated "If you really wanted out of here you would have taken any job by now."
AFG - "I have done a lot. I have even looked into taking a minimum wage full time job. But that wouldn't help my situation whatsoever. I can't survive on that. I have looked into getting roommates. Nothing has worked out so far, so I don't know what else you want me to do. I didn't think it would take this long either and I am trying everything that I can do."
H - Starts talking about my finances and we go down the list of item by item and how my money is being spent. I think it helped him to see that I have NO money to save at this point with my current job.
AFG - "Well, I can think of something that would help expedite the situation for when I do get full-time job, which is bound to happen eventually. I can sell the 4-wheeler and use that for first/last/security on a place."
H - Gets very mad "No, you see you always want to do this. Just liquidate and sell things and then waste the money and then there's nothing to show for it. I'm not in debt and screwed my credit up for nothing. We agreed to share it so we could both have use of it and no, we're not selling it."
(Facts: 4-wheeler is mine. We are both in debt, both have credit screwed. I contributed with work and all of my income to our household finances all these years as well.)
AFG - "My other issue with it then is this. And I don't know why I keep coming back to this one thing because it's stupid and doesn't even matter now, but, if we both share it and have use of it then that means you could allow the use of it by other people as well. And for me (really started getting choked up and tears streaming), for me it still represents some of the best times and most fun days we spent together. And I know it's just a thing and it could be gone tomorrow and this is all just symbolic. But if that were to happen it would somehow in my mind be tainted and make that time seem worthless or meaningless, null and void, and invalidated. And I just don't want that to happen and to have to think about and deal with that too."
H - Just looks at me for a minute "Well, it's off the table, I'm not going to argue this, No, I don't want to sell it."
AFG - "Well, I want to sell it and that's where I stand."
H - Keeps going on and I start walking away. "Oh, so you're walking away now."
AFG - "What else am I supposed to do. None of this matters anymore anyways."

I go in bedroom to gain my composure. Realize that H is getting ready now to leave and talk to/see OW for weekend. How do I want to leave things with him before that happens. Definitely not like this. Another huge 180. Old me would have hung out in room and hid and waited for him to leave.

I go back to kitchen, put on happy/friendly/calm/non-crying face. H comes back in kitchen all dressed to go with necklace on I assume OW gave him as a present.
AFG - "You know what. I absolutely agree with you that selling the 4-wheeler is a bad idea and I see your point about how I have done similar things in the past. Like you said, I will have enough money when I get my new job within a short time to be able to move out. I think I needed to have my moment about it, which I did. The 4-wheeler is your's to do with what you like and I promise I won't bring the subject up again."
H - Goes into explaning again that he just wants to be able for us both to still enjoy it and at least have something to show for all the bad financial decisions. Then starts back in about having other people over. Tells me that he wants me to be free to have whatever friends I want to have over when he's not here and vice versa, we can do the roommates thing (demotion, back to roommates term). I said I'm fine with that with the exception of that one person and if that's what he means by having groups of people over to include that person, then that's not ok. Proceeds to say that he has other new friends and "she's not the only person I hang out with. I think you have the wrong idea about this." I am laughing inside thinking does he really think I'm that naieve/gullible?!?!

I start to end conversation and walk away on good note. All was calm and cool again. H looks at me and starts walking towards me, says come here. Proceeds to give me a very close, lingering, squeezing, embracing hug. During which he says "You feel tiny." Me - "Because I'm getting tiny." As we were pulling away H says "You know I could be a jerk and just do what I want or have already done what I want, but I don't want to disrespect you. And I don't want you to think that I'm telling you I want you to have people over just so I can wear you down so you'll let me have her come over." I just smiled and didn't say another word.

Then I was getting ready to leave room but he proceeds to converse for about another 15 mins about his day at work with full details. As he was leaving, tells me he is going to his brother's house for evening and "I'll probably be back home tonight, I'm just bringing my stuff with me just in case." This usually means I won't see him til Monday, but I still think it's funny as to why he even takes the trouble to say something like that? LOL. I just said with happy face "Have fun." and out the door he went and no, he didn't come home last night as expected.

How bad did I screw up?