RED! Sorry you're still feeling so 'meh' about everything.
The advice to just be straight with him is good. I know where you're coming from about not being able to trust him, but not wanting to keep beating a dead horse. I've dealt with a lot of the same things with my H.
I finally opened up and told him, "Look, loving you and trusting you are two completely different things. I love you. I'm beginning to trust you more, but I know I can't trust you completely...maybe never again, it's a consequence of what happened. I'm not trying to beat you over the head with it, but you have to understand that your actions are ALL I HAVE. When you have contact with anyone else outside of strictly work boundaries, it brings everything back to me. It's real, and it tears me up and makes me question myself and you and everything." I think he finally got it, after crossing the line in the sand repeatedly, he seems to be making more effort to respect my request for no contact.
He can't read your mind, and he can't do anything to make you happy (especially if your needs aren't presented clearly). You already know that, and I think it would be wise to put some real thought into what you can do to take care of yourself and build up that self-esteem. I fought it for years too, and still deal with insecurity at times, but one thing I did learn in this process is that I'm pretty darn awesome, I can handle a lot, and I like to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, busy days filled with work and kids are hard. But I can still find little things to do just for me...new lip gloss, dressing up, exercising, talking nice to myself, sitting up straight, standing tall. What would make you feel better?
