Thanks for your posts. It's so nice to feel supported by others who are in similar situations. I'm actually really trying to focus on myself. I know that is the message I have been receiving over and over. I've read DR and many other books too on codependency, love addiction, etc. It does help and calm me. It's crazy how text book I am. It's a day to day journey for me. Some days are up and others are down - more like hour to hour sometimes. I'm applying to grad school looking for work. And I know my H has his journey to be on right now. It's been a coaddicted relationship in many ways and exploded this past year. We've been together for 10 years, married for 4. We were so in love. We were that couple other people envied. It's amazing how quickly things happen. I see it clearly. I just miss him. Miss who he used to be, who we used to be. Maybe I'm worried we'll never be on the same page again...I'm trying to remember to meditate, not get too caught up with what is happening on his end. I'm not pursuing, leaving him be. He's away on business during the week so it's only a couple of days on the weekend we have to see each other and I'm keeping busy, seeing friends, going to lectures. I'm just impatient, I've realized that is a big thing I have to learn. And I know I won't survive this without it. Patience for me, patience with the process, patience with god...
Feeling kind of down. Have had the apartment to myself during the week but H will most likely come in today. I find myself in more pain/distracted from my own work as the weekend approaches. I am doing my own thing, meditating, applying for school, seeing my therapist, going to meetings but the pain is still acute. I don't want to fight it but my hope waivers. H is very proud. Doubt creeps in now that he has told some people if he would ever reconsider. I know it hasn't been that long and it's all still so new but I find my mind spinning. I want to live day by day but that is hard for a long time worrier/planner like me...control freak I guess. Giving it up to a higher power is my goal but I'm struggling. I just want my H back, back when he used to watch me sleep, back to when he couldn't deal with not having me around, back to when he would say I love you every day...I'm trying to get out of this thinking but I'm finding it hard to shake...it's been three weeks...I know I have to be that woman again, the one I lost, the one that inspired those feelings in my H...but it may take some time. What if H pushes to proceed with the D in the meantime? Having a tough day. I guess I'm allowed those...
This is tough, I know. I'm about 40 days into our seperation with no papers filed yet, but they are printed, we've meet with an attorney, etc...
I did go back to church after 4 years away, ironically we've been having problems for about 4 years. It has helped so much. I consider myself a scientific/liberal christian...sometimes it isn't the message, it is just being there, quiet and meditating.
I am also a control freak. I hate being out of control. That is so tough to deal with.
Here is what I did, and it is working for me...so far.
I decided that I couldn't stop the legal proceedings of divorce. I decided that either way, the best approach was DBing.
If we end up divorced, and right now I am 99% sure we will, I won't have any regrets that I didn't do everything I could. I'm not going to get upset about anything. i will be fair to my W and to myself. She is doing the same.
If we have a chance to try again, then I want to have made real changes in my life. Changes that result in me being a better person. For me it was all about GAL. I'm doing that. It's ticking my wife off too. She is upset that I am doing things she always asked me to do (going out, playing golf, etc..). I wish I would have done those things with her, but the bottom line is....actions speak louder than words. I let my actions speak for me.
This is the toughtest thing I have had to do. please know that these forums have been an incredible outlet for me. I can be weak here, I can be open and honest. It's annonymous.
Use this as your sounding board. I do believe in DBing, even though I am only 40 days into my divorce. I know it will work one way or the other. I hope I stay married, but if not, I will know I did everything I could to stop it.
everyone recommends it. I tried it and didn't like it...then i realized something...this is my journal. My thread is my journal. I post every day, I can go back and see my improvements, etc...
I also decided to write down "our story". It might not work for you, but I wanted to remember the good things in our relationship. We have 3 kids and I want them to know that we were happy...so I started writing, a letter to my kids that started with "how I met your mother" and talks about our high school years, dating, college, marriage, etc... the good and the bad.
I don't know if they will ever see it, but I wanted to do it while I still could. If it never gets read by anyone, so be it...but maybe it will be a great wedding gift someday too...how to not do what we did.
We'll see.
My inspiration was one of my favorite movies...Chaos Theory with Ryan Reynolds. It, of course, has a happy ending, but I still like it, even if I don't see a happy ending for me...but the movie isn't finsihed yet.
Thanks for your reply. It is good to have this forum. It's good to be able to harbor hope somewhere & not be judged. I here you about GALing, I just fear it's too little too late for my marriage. I know no matter what I'll be better off but it's hard to understand my life in any context apart from husband. I've never been heart broken over anyone else in my life. It's all so new. As I imagine for you too. I worry if he sees me getting on with things, he'll think I'm over him & I don't care...I plan on getting involved with a spiritual center here as I'm not Christian & am more eastern based in my philosophy. I hope it helps. If you're almost sure it's over, does that 1% hope screw up your chance to move on? We have no kids & my H works ALL the time. I don't know if anything will make a difference now. He's making out like we've had problems for SO long...anyway, I'll keep writing here & leaning on the community for support. I went to a CODA mtg & SLAA for live addiction. It helps...thanks.
H is away for work during the week so can't really see me GALing or anything. Not that I'm just doing it for him but it would be nice for him to see it. I made plans for all day Saturday - going to a lecture and seeing a good friend. Would have been gone for most of the day. He was supposed to come back tonight and then leave on Sunday. Just got a text:
Hi, just wanted to let you know my plans are changing. I will come to the apt on Sunday and leave Monday for the week. Hope you are doing ok
I responded:
Im good, hope ur doing ok too. I'm barely at the apt tomorrow if u need to be there. I'll be out w the exception of maybe an hr from 8am til late. Up to you. Thx 4 letting me know, have a good night.
I was supposed to see a friend tonight but I just got so thrown by his text so I canceled. She's not the comforting type. I want to know where he is but I know not to ask. I know he said it would be hard for him to be around me but this just makes me so sad. Now it's complete avoidance. And I have no idea when he comes in on Sunday. It's a mess. Was my text ok? I wanted him to see I'm GALing even if he's not freakin' here to see it...HELP.
How do you save your marriage if you're husband isn't here? How do you show you're doing stuff to be different if he's not here or contacting you much. I don't understand any of this. He wants to end things but is never here and hasn't done anything to move anything forward. As far as I know he hasn't contacted a lawyer...unless she has this past week. He doesn't have that many friends so I don't know where he's staying...and then why is he coming back overnight on Sunday? I know he needs more clothes but then why stay?
It's to improve your mindset, realize your individuality again which makes you more attractive and less needy & insecure, it isn't just to let them think you're moving on.
rpnyc, I've asked some of the very same questions _How do you save your marriage if you're husband isn't here? How do you show you're doing stuff to be different if he's not here or contacting you much. I know how difficult this is. My H moved out of our home nearly 1 year ago. I have done everything you can imagine to get him back - cried, screamed, begged, wrote letters, sent emails & texts, tried to make him feel guilty, etc... And I truly struggled with not knowing where he was or what he was doing. It tore me apart and caused me to have terrible dreams (when I could actually sleep).
You will hear this advice over and over again, but that's because it's helpful...You really need to focus on yourself - you can find a way to do this. I only see my H a couple of times per week and I know it's really hard to show them we are GAL and becoming happy again when they never see us. However, they will notice that something is different if we stop contacting them all the time - stop asking what they are doing, stop trying to force conversations about the R, and instead make ourselves a lot less available. Trust me, I know it feels wrong to just stop thinking and worrying about things, but it will demonstrate that you are no longer 100% wrapped up in the broken R. Instead, you are doing your own thing, living your life and finding your own happiness.
I think the text you sent your H sounded fine. And he might not ask what you are doing, but he probably wonders. My H never asks what I'm doing and it does hurt my feelings, but I'm gonna keep on doing things and hope he wonders.
And when your H texts you, don't text him right back. If he's a WAS, he doesn't really deserve your immediate attention (at least not IMO). If it's not something urgent, wait a few hrs to text him back. Then he will see that you are not just staring at your phone waiting to hear from him (which is what I often did).
I agree with robx - you want your H to see you less needy and insecure. That's what I'm trying to show my H too. It's not easy, but other things were not working so I had to try this and getting out of the house and doing more things does make me feel better.
Hang in there and know this isn't easy for anyone. We all struggle too.
Last edited by courts0818; 10/10/0903:31 AM.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
How do you save your marriage if you're husband isn't here? How do you show you're doing stuff to be different if he's not here or contacting you much. I don't understand any of this. He wants to end things but is never here and hasn't done anything to move anything forward. As far as I know he hasn't contacted a lawyer...unless she has this past week. He doesn't have that many friends so I don't know where he's staying...and then why is he coming back overnight on Sunday? I know he needs more clothes but then why stay?
GALing is for you. You need to make plans that you will keep regardless of what your H is doing/not doing. You are GALing for you. GALing keeps you focused on yourself, spend less time obsessing about your H, increases your self-confidence, keeps you busy during a rough time, increases your friendships and support system for you, I could write a list all day on this stuff! So when he does see you even if it's rarely, there will be huge changes in you which he will notice!!!
Don't ask questions about your WAS or what he's thinking or doing. WAS are kind of mixed-up confused most (all?) of them anyway. My X tried to explain stuff to me and would go back and forth and all over the place. They don't know their own mind, so no sense trying to figure it out...
Don't worry about what he notices. Right now you need to not just take care of yourself you need to FIND who you are. Do the things you want. Use this time to grow and become who you need to be. For you.
Your H has his own journey. You can't trap yourself in the R, in a life that isn't of your own making.
My W's independence right now is more appealing to me than when she lived only to make ME happy. If you live only in the R and focus on your H that isn't attractive.
If you're not sad or focused on him then he won't take you for granted. Tell him he can't come over on sunday or whenever. Pack up his stuff. If he doesn't want to live there ask for the key back. If he won't give it change the lock. Not saying you have to be aggressive but communicate that you're getting on with your life without him and that he chose the easy way out. Make positive changes and if he's not willing to be a positive part of your life let him know (through action) that you won't wait around for him.
He will change his tune as soon as he realizes that you won't be there to sooth his ego. He may get angry but what's under that anger is the childish attitude of wanting to have his cake and eat it too. You have control of that cake. Take it back. He may not even seem to notice but he will. It might take some time.
If he's not changing his tune after awhile then let him go. If he does love you then he will realize he's losing the best thing of his life. Have THAT attitude, that it's HIS loss not yours.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
