Sorry HBH. You will have nights like this. Read around detaching is very very hard. I don't know if anyone truly gets there.
But while she is in the house, you have to "Fake It". It is impoortant that she sees you in a good mood. If you can't do that get out of the house. Go for a walk, a sports bar, a coffee shop, the library, a movie, something you enjoy. Get yourself back to a place where you can go back to your wife with a happy exterior.
People are drawn to those that are in a good mood. So your W will be more likely to open up if she always sees a happy HBH (even if he feels like s*&t on the inside).
It is so hard to stay positive around her in light of what is going on with our M but for the past few weeks, I have forced it and bitten my tongue anytime I felt like saying something negative or discussing anything about the R. Last night was tough because we were cooking a nice dinner together which was something we have always enjoyed doing together. The mood was light and it started to seem very familiar to me like nothing had changed. Then I looked at her and the reality hit me like a ton of bricks that yes, she is there and we are doing normal things, however, she is just the shell of the wife that used to be there.
Very tough, cried last night for the first time in weeks. Today is better though, have a good idea of some GALing which I sorely need to start doing!
Still having trouble reading my situation. I still think that she is spending time with OM (pretty sure she was texting him tonight before we went to dinner)but she has not pulled a late nighter in weeks. She seems like she wants to do things with me and initiates a lot of what we do together right now but I can tell that she is really stressed out. She has not brought up R in weeks either but she is constantly telling me that she is tired and stressed out. I can't tell if she is trying to draw me into R talks or if she is staring to show some baby steps of indecision
I suggest picking up a book on flirting. Not all flirting is sexual or even romantic. It shows connection and emotional intimacy.
HI MAH
I think your idea about books on flirting sounds good, I will have to check some out this weekend. Do you have any suggestions? I tell you I am starting to pile up the books since this started. In the past, I always scoffed at self help books but man have they helped me out so far! Just ordered 5 love languages and I think that might shed some light on things.
If you think your W is TM OM, you might try leaving your phone at home and ask to use hers and she how quickly she scrambles to delete some messages or phone numbers. Just a thought.
Here's the list of Do's & Don'ts that we talked about.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self-help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, last night was not a good night for us as she was having trouble sleeping and when I woke up in the middle of the night, she said that she is not doing well with this and that she wants to get an apartment. I was able to handle this discussion well and not break down and tried to empathize with her feelings. She showed me a list of good things versus bad things about me that she had compiled over the past couple of weeks and she reiterated that she doesn't see the changes sticking long term. Interestingly, she told me some of the things she said she found attractive about me and it struck me that she had never told me this during the entire duration of our R or M. I know that right now, I am the bad guy in the R but I wish she could see how much of a difference it may have made in our R is she had tried to make me feel attractive every once and a while.
I am completely lost right now and don't know what to do. I know the loving thing to do is support her and try to keep working on me. It is just hard because we are skipping the intermediate steps such as in-house S and MC and running headstrong into full S. I feel that her need for immediate S may have to do with OM and either feeling like she really wants to be with him and/or she is having a lot of trouble with guilt by being here w/ me while she is involved with OM. She says she needs time to sort things out and answer some difficult questions. Tonight, while she was alone working at the table, her phone was there facing up, however, when I sat down to dinner at the table a few minutes later, she placed her phone face down.
My question is, how much, if at all, should I press her on her true reasons for wanting to S. I feel like I need to know if this is motivated by wanting to be with OM. On the other hand, I don't want to pressure her so much that I really upset her. Up to this point, she admitted infidelity but strongly denies A. The evidence strongly suggests A based on what has happened over the past 2 months.
I feel that if we S, it should be structured with expectations discussed and agreed upon. Is it a good move to press her for a structured S if she does proceed? Does it even matter if she has OM and is not being transparent about her motive for S? I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop S but I am so confused as to how to handle this from a DB point of view.
I don't want to upset you, but my thinking on this kind of thing is that she wouldn't be leaving to be alone - epecially in your case where you KNOW where an OM has been involved very recently. Therefore, I would say don't press her on it, just assume that is a factor.
Unfortunately you can't do anything about it except continue to prove that your changes are real and making yourself the better option over the OM.
If you let her go (I know - very hard to do) she might come back. Is the OM single? Do you know much about him?
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I know, it is very hard to let go and it is killing me right now. I don't know much about him other than his name and cell number which I got from the phone bill. I assume he is single b/c of how my W seems to be trying to move forward very quickly and has no interest in MC (maybe W feels she has something to lose if she tries to work on M) but really have no idea. I suppose I could run a background search to find out more. I am still wrestling with whether I should try to get verifiable evidence of the A, I wonder if it would make what she is doing to me more "real" if she knew that it was out in the open - still confused on that one
HBH i know how you feel. I am hurting as much too. My wife already moved out so everytime I visit my daughter I am a guest.
I do not think you can ever detach so that you don't care, but detaching so that it doesn't hurt as much is more doable.
You are in a really good position compared to a lot of people. All you have to do is give her the space that she needs. Hard as hell to accomplish but it is what she wants.
Do what works. That is the best solution i have come up with doing this DB stuff. IF something feels wrong, it will bottle up inside you later, unless you know how not to keep it in. If galing helps you release tension then do it.
