Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Hi Chel- Thanks for the post. I think (and H has stated on his own) that my H has his good days and bad. These have the most to do with his depression. I think my H might believe deep down that I am or our marriage is the cause of his depression b/c he doesn't understand that depression is an illness(and it runs in his family)-sometimes related to the chemical imbalance in our brains, sometimes related to our not processing through important emotions or phases in our lives... if he continues in this belief then I know he will ask for a divorce again and that will be that.

If you've followed my situation you'll see I've had trouble reconciling tradition marital therapy with DBing and am trying to find a happy middle-ground. In therapy, H actually agrees with the therapist on things to try(planning a date every other week, alternating with me planning a date every other week in order to have "fun") but if we hit a snag, that intention goes away.

I agree that focusing more on me and getting out there and living is and has been very important for my mental well-being. I still do think I walk on eggshells too much as a habit to avoid H's anger(my own issue). I'm striving to speak my mind and have an opinion of my own rather than be a "pleaser".

My Dad also had an affair when I was 9(and I think he even took me along on a date when my mother was working out-of-town)..and I find it wildly(and sadly) interesting that I've married a man with a quick temper(like my Dad) who has cheated on me. My parents divorced when I was about to start college after several years of separation and it was a bitter drawn-out divorce..something I absolutely wish to avoid in my own life.

I have hope that H will come through this MLC. He has his lucid, fog-free moments periodically and I can see the man I love in there struggling. We ML almost every night which is very different from our previous marital pattern...but I do like the closeness that I at least feel from it, even if H says sometimes he still feels disconnected.

I guess my goal is to detach as well, more consistently, and not get sucked into the drama that erupts periodically from H acting like a teen/child. I needed to do that very much last weekend but thankfully things worked themselves out..

This is so important because you absolutely have to love yourself first before you have enough to give someone else.

I think this applies to our husbands as well and it may be that right now they don't know who they are and really don't love themselves and therefore can't love us.

Post anytime- I love to hear others' perspectives and similarities and advice.