Breakaway, yes it took her leaving to initiate any real change, unfortunately. I tried like hell to change prior to her leaving, but in retrospect I see that it really wasn't trying. Put him onto the MEVAC website, it's mostly a group of men trying to help one another. These are men who truly want to change. Also, required reading is Controlling People, Abuse Survivors Speak Out (I think that's the title), The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and The Verbally Abusive Man...Can He Change? All books by Patricia Evans. If you read the signs he can or is changing I think you'll find what she writes to be dead on, especially compared with the signs he isn't changing. Remember though even if your husband is displaying more from the signs he isn't changing side of the spectrum that doesn't mean he can't or won't change. I know this from personal experience.
Spybunny, kind of the same thing I just wrote to breakaway, he needs to admit to this crap, do not let your husbands talk to you this way anymore, just as Patricia writes in her book, when he behaves this way just say "What?" or "What did you just say to me?" Do not put up with it. Also, as far as a therapist goes,you need to find a therapist who has specific knowledge of verbal abuse, then you can properly address all the issues. Good luck
Wantittowork, you are right about not over analyzing the past, sometimes when we look too hard at certain situations it is easy to label everything as abuse, it is a delicate balance.Remember what you consider abusive dialogue may and probably is very different from what she labels abuse, the only way to know is to ask.
Something that I did for myself was do join a local group therapy program dealing specifically with domestic violence. This was outside of my comfort zone because I had never thought of verbal abuse and control as being domestic violence...it is.
All I can suggest to you is to read, read, and read some more, don't tell your wife about the change...show her.If it is there, she will see.
On your question about if what she did was abuse: I would have to say no, manipulation yes, abuse no. She clearly felt that being married was important to her, you did not. Because I was not there I do not know all the specifics of the conversations that the two of you had, so I will just assume that neither one of you communicated your wants and needs very well. At some point you have to sit down and say "This is what I need"
One last thing, go to the MEVAC website, join, register and begin to journal, we are all men helping men ( with the exception of a few women survivors, including my wife) We are working hard and really changing, it is possible.
