Hello, your story struck a nerve with me, similarities with H and MLC. My H dropped the bomb on 5/16/09 and we do have D papers finally drawn up and working through a settlement. H never says he is not going but evertytime he picks a date he says he is leaving he does not. We are approaching another one of those in a couple of weeks.
My H for the past few months has just opted out of living and has regressed to acting childish. He feels there is more to life and no longer has passion for me, generally bored, feels sorry for himself. Doesn't know if marriage is for him, etc. We have been together 23 yrs and married 16 yrs. We do not have any kids. I too opted to DB and make marriage work. I tried to come up with fun activities and in general he would go along, but sometimes was such a sourpuss he was no fun to have around. We kept ML'ing and after months we are still sleeping together but I have been allowing no ML for about a month.
When H speaks about things he uses I, me, mine, etc. and seems to be engrossed in his needs and absolutely refuses to go to counseling and refuses to say he will stay.
Sorry for the long background but wanted to possibly explain why I see similarities. I am absolutely at the end of my rope also and will comment on what others have told me and what I can see is happening with you.
I think you and I both agree that we want our marriages to work but to feel like we have to walk on eggshells to not upset them is wearing thin. We both have found over time getting away from the situation and doing things we enjoy is good, healthy and it makes it very hard sometime to go back home to possibly an unhappy, grumpy H. Also, we equate ML with feelings. We try to make everyone else feel good sacraficing our feelings.
Being the daughter of divorce I witnessed my dad cheat on my mom and my mom try and hold the marriage together. It took years for me to have a healthy relationship with my dad and sometimes I wonder if I picked a partner who would in turn treat me as my dad treated my mom. Your H is still sulky and feels sorry for himself so I don't think he is going to be good right now at repairing relationships with your daughters. I think you should keep communicating with your daughters, and when you act, act like how you would like your daughters to respond to this situation.
Wow, I have so much to say, but I do know you are very strong and no matter what happens you will be okay. I don't think your H is ready or wants to improve things - he is still acting selfish and childish. I think you and your daughters should plan a vacation and the minicooper is definitely out. H knows how to press your buttons and you are still responding to behaviors that are unacceptable.
Since I have stopped sleeping with him, although we are still sleeping in the same bed - he is obsessed that I must be seeing someone else (this is so off the wall); however, guys need sex and can separate the two so ML for them is simply a stress reliever I simply cannot even feel excited right now because I used to think ML would make us closer but it did not, his behavior continued.
Believe me, I am still hoping to save our marriage but in the meantime, I feel some detaching on my end. I have also really been questioning MLC and DB. Okay, I understand that MLC'ers are going through a journey or phase and may feel very conflicted on trying to figure out who they are or what they want but I also question excusing behaviors or feeling sorry for them is healthy. The healthiest thing I've learned is the GAL'ing. This is so important because you absolutely have to love yourself first before you have enough to give someone else. You also need to know your boundaries and even though our heart breaks that they are hurting there is really no magic bullet we can deploy to make things better. I really believe they need to go through this alone because everything we seem to say or try does nothing.
I honestly believe if we stop (and I am trying to convince myself of this) and we work on ourselves, do the things that we know are right and healthy, they will follow. They will want to be on board with the positive, attracted to our greener pastures.
I think we try so hard to save the marriage that in my case I lost some of my dignity. Maybe this happens with MLC'ERS who stick around but aren't doing much to improve the situation. My H pushed back dates he was going to leave he said because of anniversaries or birthdays, but did absolutely nothing to make those times celebrations in fact they were no fun. Oops guess there is some anger as to why we seem to treat them with kid gloves. But again, H would not agree to go anywhere with me on vacations, etc.
Very cliche but I think if it is meant to be it will happen, they will come back and they will do the hardwork to again earn our love.
Take care, cheljenk
M 16 yrs. T 23 yrs. Bomb 5/16/09 D papers on table for a couple of months Still living together
