Lightbulb is BLAZING NEON now!

[KAW]

Welcome Zoo. Glad you can join us here. Lotsa new "face" in the neighborhood this week and unfortunately my welcome wagon only gets so many miles to the gallon ... and for most like Kitti and Bill, even tho I haven't had time to post a personal greeting at their new digs, I have lurked ... so let me just add here, wecome all the hopped over here this week ... and Pam, I haven't forgotten about you ... I still owe you a visit too.

I still have some questions for the piecing crowd. Mainly, where do I go from here ? I bet you get that one a lot huh? I keep doing what has been working, or trying to anyway but I still feel as if I am missing something. I re-read my DR book at least once a week to help keep me on track and I'm hoping to get 5LL here in the next week or so. I keep a solution journal as well to help me remember things. I feel like I'm at a pretty scary juncture right now and I don't want my fear causing me to screw things up (I'm good at that). I have read a few of the posts in this section of the BB and I see a number of people experiencing similar fear but I'm hard pressed to figure out

Well, Zoo, when it come to DBing, it isn't much different. Its about using the same tools, but redefining or shifting the focus onto different aspects of your goals, but need to work on them with the same amount of patience. One of the first desires is now that the WAS has turned back, to try to quicken the pace of reconciliation. When we first hear those words and the renewed signs of affection, we get the impression that they are cannonballing" back into the pool, when in fact just sticking their big toes in the water to test it ... so there's still a transition they have to work thru before being recommit to working on M. So not radical changes in strategy, but a slow shifting in the focus of your changes...

So keep doing what works ... and do more of it ... keep your expectations in reserve still (remember, its just a big toe in the water right now). They are in fact acting "as-if" to test if its the right decision to come back. Go sloowwlleee! ... keep the focus on making it comfortable for them to continue moving closer.

At the same time, you still have to work on yourself. Now that you will no longer feel like you are in "survival" mode, you will start to feel the emotional aftereffects. Betrayal, anger, trust & forgiveness issues will start creeping in. Its natural and you will need to process your greif and heal the hurt, but remember these are your issues you have to work on. Don't look for him to "fix" for you now, because doing that will push him away again. Start looking at ways to measure how much support he is willing to give, so you will know when you pushed too far.

Think of coming to "Piecing" as the midway point of your journey, so keep taking it day by day, step by step, working at making today better than yesterday. That part won't change at all.

'til later,
KAW

[pbee]

Hello Zoo,

(Have always loved your name by the way!)

Thanx for the rah, rah on Gabi's thread. It made my day that you noticed and if I was at all encouraging then I'm glad.

Yes, everyone has it right. Just settle and when in doubt just let it rest a bit; the answer will come. Hard to believe that nontalking (No R talk) can make things easier but my take is that your H will need time to process things especially w/the NEW (and improved) you. You needn't romp on anything. Money talk can wait until a better time, the kids (if you have any) aren't going to become deliquents overnight and your mother's not going to visit for a few more months. These are just examples of what can wait and I'm not saying to blow stuff off just pick you moments from the sky. When in doubt, it's best to wait.

(Sorry, I haven't gotten a chance to read your thread yet but I surely will.)

I never got my big talk from my H either. Some here feel like they were robbed because of they never got an explanation or the number of the train that hit them. But frankly, R talk leads to more analyzation and more talk and more anal stuff, more talk etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

The kind of love and the R you are having now is a better one and Zoo, you may have to setttle for that. If you had the choice of actually having what you have now OR finding out WHY you have it but had to give it up which would you pick?

You may be wasting time on this cheeseless tunnel. He made a mistake, he is altering his course and he wants you on board. Am I making any sense?

Take care,
pbee

[KutieKat]

pbee

you made sense to me, so i am hijacking zoo's thread to THANK YOU for that...

kitti

[Zoo]

THank you for stopping by KAW...I have gotten a lot from your posts to other DB'ers and am glad that you posted here

So keep doing what works ... and do more of it ... keep your expectations in reserve still (remember, its just a big toe in the water right now).

Whew, I had begun thinking that perhaps it was wrong for me to hold back my expectations some at this point. H senses this in me and has made the odd comment or 2 about it. He thinks that since he made the decision to stay and work things out I should be convinced he isn't going to bail on me?? He has changed lickety-split on me too many times for me to make that ASSumption right now. H has read DR too so he is aware of the strategies I am employing...I think it keeps him from pushing this issue too much and harping about my not accepting everything at face value right now. Yes, I have to take his word about certain things but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm happy about it

Now that you will no longer feel like you are in "survival" mode, you will start to feel the emotional aftereffects. Betrayal, anger, trust & forgiveness issues will start creeping in.

Ugh! This is so true! I thought I had worked most of these issues out of my head and heart but they keep trying to creep back in You are right though, I have to deal with these issues myself. That is MY daily struggle right now

Zoo

[Zoo]

Thanks so much for replying on my thread pbee...you have such great insight into DB'ing and your advice is always welcome

and your mother's not going to visit for a few more months.

I got a kick out of this...my parents moved in with us a month ago...LOL! Talk about making a difficult sitch worse! I have been trying to DB, AND deal with my mother at the same time as well as being ill and it has been extremely stressful. H has said he realizes this and is being quite patient which has truly amazed me (he is even cleaning the house right now as I am typing this...WOW!) We are both looking forward to their moving into their own house this week, YEAH!

I never got my big talk from my H either. Some here feel like they were robbed because of they never got an explanation or the number of the train that hit them. But frankly, R talk leads to more analyzation and more talk and more anal stuff, more talk etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

I probably never will know exactly what turned him and I am willing to accept that. It will probably never stop me from wondering though I don't think I could hold it against him though...I know that talking about emotional issues is very difficult for H...I no longer DEMAND that he do so either. This is just an aspect of him that I have to learn to live with. H does know when he is ready to open up some more I will listen so maybe it is just a matter of time?

The kind of love and the R you are having now is a better one and Zoo, you may have to setttle for that. If you had the choice of actually having what you have now OR finding out WHY you have it but had to give it up which would you pick?

Definitely what I have NOW!!! It is so much better than what we HAD...

You may be wasting time on this cheeseless tunnel. He made a mistake, he is altering his course and he wants you on board. Am I making any sense?

Perfect sense! H has made it quite clear that he wants me on board...it's one of those "pinch me" things I guess

Zoo

[farfromhome]

Gday Zoo

Its great to see another new face here. I have only been here for short time and it is hearteing to see the new peope moving here .

Its been a fun journey for me (newcomers, seperated and Surviving) and I honestly never gave myself a chance of getting here.

I agree with what you said about some of thie things that have happened in the past start coming back to us. But for me this has got much easier over the last week, hope it keeps coming. Im starting to get that trust back in my wife which is a great feeling. Its funny but she now refers to our seperation as the time I wasnt around - how is that to describe a year of hell , but its good that it is really starting to become water under the bridge.

Great to see you here.

Andrew

[NoLongerHere]

Zoo's here!! My goodness, your thread grew quickly (of course, I haven't been on as much) -

I got a lot of insight from everyone's posts, too. My W still feels a lot of anxiety and stress - getting stomachaches and so on. Says she doesn't know how to act - so I'm just giving her space. She had expected to be moving out, and now all her plans have changed. A lot for her to processes.

This is still going to be a long road I think, Zoo! But we're headed in the right direction. I want to keep reinforcing that the changes we've made are real and lasting.

Now - just working up to intamcy. I'm thinking about her a lot in - that way - lately. I think she's enjoying teasing me - kisses and touches... and I'm enjoying being teased...

So - party is it? Let's open up the keg!! Crank up the music!! Pop those corks (I know y'all like wine and champange - well, I do too - but let's face it, I was a frat boy... ) I'm going to be in and out, so let's make this last all weekend! CHEERS!!

- Bill

[psluke]

WHOO HOO Zoo,

Time for the dom and the limo!!!!!!!

[pbee]

Mornin' Zoo,
I read you thread after I posted and girl, I picked the exact wrong scenarios to give as examples on your thread! Pls excuse. Glad you could follow along regarardless of the fact that I wasn't prepared for class. I've done my homework now and see that your sitch has turned around in a very fast and very amazing way. Seems like you already had the gift of patience and you have good instincts for DB.

I don't see that you have any fun things to do w/the H.

And I had a personal question: on your first 2 Ms would you have used DB on these if you could have had the tools? You don't have to answer, I am just being nosey. This is my 2nd M and I wouldn't have applied DB to my fisrt one even if I were a DB queen! He was an alcohlic and I was such an enabler; not healthy at all. Got to the point where he would never have work again. His excuse when we were in the Phillipenes was the American dependents (him) of active duty military (me) couldn't work due to the agreement the American had w/the Fillipino gov't. Fair enough but he just wanted to drink and cat his life away, which he ended up doing in the end. He died from and accidental alcohol OD when he was 34, about 10 yrs ago. It still hurts our dau, his family and me to this day - the waste of it all.

Gotta go, IMing w/the H, he's deployed. Any Uzbecky's out here??
Have a great weekend.
pbee

[Zoo]

Hey Bill...good to see ya in the NEW place

Yep, it is definitely a long road. I don't kow how long it will take to become entirely comfortable with the idea that things are going to work out and we are going to stay together...I keep vacillating between 6 mos and 1 year, depending on what kind of day we are having

I think that it is great that your wife is starting to show some interest in intimacy with you! Keep going slow and you will reap your reward

I think I'll have to put the party on hold until I'm feeling better...right now that DOM would taste like fuzzy asphalt...YUCK!!!

Take care,
Zoo