If you can find some way to appreciate the catalyst that the bomb and the A was for you both, then you will go a long way toward healing.
I do not regret my H's EA or the giant bomb he dropped on me. Do I wish it could have happened differently? Sure. It was painful. However, unless that had happened, we'd both be miserable, very different people than we are after we went through this together.
Now, I insisted on no non-work contact with her, and it took some time to have him honor that until I blew sky high and was ready to walk. I still can't stand her, and I wouldn't be sad if she spent the rest of her life miserable. But I don't regret that my H did that, because it gave us the opportunity to build a new, more satisfying marriage.
You have work to do on yourself around this issue, on your thinking. You don't have to be thankful to the OM, but that doesn't mean you can't be thankful for a situation that launched both of you into a lot of self-work and introspection and made you better partners. Or you could insist on her feeling like you think she "should" feel, be bitter, and sacrifice any chance at reconciliation. You have the opportunity to create something good out of something ugly and horrible. Will you take it?
I'm trying SDFoundGirl, I'm really trying. When I manage to get away from my pain and feelings of betrayal, I'm totally there. Everyone who knows us sees two much better people, so how can this have been a bad thing? A book I read said sometimes affairs are a wake-up call, that make people face some brutal realities of life and love, but also can blow apart a dysfunctional M, allowing a newer better one to grow in its place. That's the way I'm trying to look at my situation, but it's not easy.
