I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I was riveted to your two long posts on this thread. You have a great way of expressing yourself, and my money is on you and your wife reconciling. I can't tell you WHY, exactly, it's just that . . . you don't seem "done" with each other, and there's a real love and tenderness underneath your relationship.
Don't count it out. I practically did, and I would have been wrong.
Thanks Puppy. Your words mean a lot to me. It's ironic. I can express myself so freely on this anonymous message board, but I couldn't open myself up to my W.
Ever since my situation began, I've had the same feeling, that there is still a connection between my W and me. We had a great friendship, and we relied on each other so much, and we really liked each other. I have detached fairly well, and am doing fine on my own, but it seems like every time I think we're drifting away from each other, something happens to pull us back. She so much doesn't want to lose me, that is clear to me. I asked her during our recent talk if she's really considered the brutal reality of our future if we can't find a way back, and she admitted to me that she hadn't, that it's just too painful to imagine.
I've followed your story, and I've seen some similarities, except for the obvious thing I stated, that my W doesn't regret her A. You and your W seem to have a connection between you that neither of you can bear to sever. I sure understand that. How long after her A ended did you begin to find yourself acting normal around her again, and noticing that you didn't think about her A nearly all the time?
I know your usual advice regarding boundaries, exposure, cutting off support. I'm nearly positive I could have busted my W's A early on by taking a very hard line. I could have cut her off financially, canceled her cell phone, blocked her internet access from inside our house, took her off my health insurance, threatened exposure, told her she'd have to fight for custody of the kids, and she probably would have come back crying begging me to forgive her. I had something so damaging on OM that with one phone call I'm sure I could have sent him running for the hills. The problem in my situation is that it wouldn't have solved anything. We couldn't fix our M from within, we tried and tried and tried. She might have come back and been a good wife for a little while, but her discontent would have eventually gained strength in her, and she would have planned her exit again, making sure her ducks were in a row this time. Although it was killing me, I knew I needed to let her go and let whatever was going to happen happen. I didn't help her leave, but I didn't stand in her way either. I let her know I loved her. Deep down I had faith that she'd realize she couldn't bear to lose me and break up our family. Like I said in my original post, we've both grown in such positive ways this year, it's hard for me to think of what happened as bad, although the thought of her with OM is a pain I wish I didn't have to carry. The intel I got was so brutal I try to push it out of my mind. I have the impression you've been there too.
