DIA, I have goosebumps reading about your success. I hope that we can all, at some point, get there. Imagining my WAW coming back and saying she picked me over (OM or just friends that are NOT just friends) would be good news.
Tonight, I will say a prayer for your marriage and its continued healing.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Thank you for the prayers and good wishes, everyone. I get happier as the day progresses.
We've hit a major milestone, but we're not completely out of the woods. The real work has just begun. I've DBed like heck, and it's paid off. But now I have to continue to let him in - and that's scary. DBing is very self-protective. Reconciling is about openness and re-forging bonds. I have no illusions that it will always be easy or enjoyable.
Looking back at the convo, I guess I did throw down today and I'm proud of myself for stating my boundaries so clearly. I'm also proud of myself for communicating the feelings of insecurity. Heck, just being able to name what I was feeling is an improvement over 2 years ago.
@ Lotus and Tristan - good points, both. I have Retro and pre-paid DB Coaching up my sleeve. And yes, I agree that I need to be clear about not tolerating a friendship with OW. It will siphon off emotional attention/bonding from me, and it would always be a crack in the M. I am pretty certain he is using the idea to soften the blow to her, as much for his own comfort (See, I'm not an a$$hole. I said I would be her friend.) as for any possible comfort of hers.
I'm in a strong place, all things considered, so I'm not feeling too chuffed about having to state boundaries in that area. It's gotta be done.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Agree. I don't think it's too firm of a boundary to tell H to break friendship off with GF.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Dia, you are in a strong place. Thats why I suggested you make him aware of those boundaries sooner rather than later. If he breaks up with her telling her that they can "still be friends", and you later say no. He will feel a little manipulated. Since he made a clear statement that he wants to remain friends, I think it is best you let him know you can't live with that and explain your very valid reasons why. Otherwise, he will say "Well why didn't you let me know earlier?"
You are doing a great job and an inspiration to everyone here.
Well, well. Things are continuing to improve. I'm a little leery just because of the "stay friends" thing. But ..... "I choose you" is pretty big stuff, Maynard.
My opinion is that a clean break is better for *everyone*, even OW. But it seems like the best thing is to have him just as convinced of the truth of that as you. There must be some resources out there that might resonate along those lines.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
So happy for you. I was sweating bullets while you described waiting for the answer! Now start working on getting registered for the next Retrouvaille session. It will complete the reconciliation process in a really short time.
Gosh Lotus you sound a lot like another poster who used to be here!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Family portrait is a great idea! I now MIL will love one for Xmas!
FYI to Lotus - this is abso-flipping-lutely hilarious. Makes me wonder if I can arrange my fingers for easy Photoshopping so I can send her a little message in the pic.
Ahhh, revenge fantasies.
On the upside, I have FIL and SIL solidly cemented on my side. I heartily doubt they would cooperate with MIL to give the required signatures for what she threatened to do. (For those who missed it, MIL threatened to disinherit H and throw us out of the house if we reconciled.)
SIL has been very anxious about her status as a mother. I guess her mommy circle has been giving her a hard time about 'not doing things right.' Just before she left, I took her aside and said she needed to tell her Mommy circle where to shove it. From what I'd seen, she was an excellent mother and not to change a thing. She cried. I was being completely sincere, too. It irked me that those people were being so mean to her.
As for FIL, he said in the beginning that he'd support H whichever way he decided, but he's been covertly pleading my case. Then after the big pork roast dinner - well, the man says you don't let go of a woman who can cook like that. His LL is AoS and he has a wife who doesn't cook.
MIL's LL is gifts, so I'll be making some peace offerings in that direction, but yeah, a family portrait at this point is probably over the top for her.
Last edited by Dia; 10/10/0912:29 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Hi Dia, delurking to say congrats on busting your divorce. Been following your story for a week or two and hoping that my situation can go the same way.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Makes me wonder if I can arrange my fingers for easy Photoshopping so I can send her a little message in the pic. 