Puppy thanks for the input. I noticed when I was folding the clothes after having washed them. No one else in the house wears men’s white tee under shirts but me. No other family in the area and the size is not mine nor is the brand. I believe it was in the hamper that she was putting her laundry in with the kids. She just started having a separate place in her bedroom for her laundry early this week. She also just started doing "only" her laundry this week.
In the last 10 days it has gone from bad to worse and keeps sliding that way. I am just getting fed up with all the crap I am putting up with and the total disrespect being shown towards me in front of the kids. I have a feeling as to why it has gone this way…I called her on her lies and deceptions and she couldn’t lie her way out. So she is mad at me for what she has done/been doing.
I am at the end of my rope as I feel trapped in the sitch. I am damned if i do and damned if i dont. I just keep my focus on the kids. Unfortunately the kids and I have to interact with the W. And that is where it gets messy and ugly.
Hmmm; sounds like some BOUNDARIES need to be put in place.
Boundaries are for YOU, not for her. They are for you to get your self-esteem back, and not feel walked on. Have you set any? Or, having set them, do you not enforce them?
That was my SINGLE BIGGEST PROBLEM in my marriage -- my inability to set and enforce boundaries. So in my own sitch, when my wife had her affair, I realized I couldn't control her, but I COULD set boundaries, and for me they were:
- no texting or phoning OM from within our own home. If she wanted to do that, she'd have to take it outside or go for a drive.
- no meeting with or talking on the phone to OM in front of the kids, no matter WHERE.
- I will not pay for the things you use to conduct your affair, such as your cellphone, your tummy tuck surgery Visa payment, lingerie, Botox, etc.
- (this one was added later, and required a 2nd full confrontation): "I will no longer tolerate your DECEIT. Either you tell your parents and our adult daughters the truth about your relationship with OM (she had been saying "he's just a friend" and even accusing ME of "being crazy"), or I will, and I will show them my evidence. I gave her all of 5 minutes to decide, too.
If you don't have boundaries, you will continue to be disrespected, and that disrespect will not only slowly eat away at YOUR soul, emasculating you, but it will also cause your wife to lose her LOVE for you, since women tie their feelings of "respect" VERY closely with their feelings of "love."
Pup has good advice on boundaries, tho he's more tolerant than I was/am. Another boundary could be: "You cease all contact with OM and come clean with me, or we need to separate." You need to be willing to act on it though.
Personally, I couldn't live with a woman who was actively in an affair that I was aware of. When these things get out in the open, it has a way of taking the fun out of it.
BTW: She's likely doing her own laundry to hide evidence of a PA. Sorry.
Last edited by seeking sanity; 10/09/0906:16 PM.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
Pup has good advice on boundaries, tho he's more tolerant than I was/am. Another boundary could be: "You cease all contact with OM and come clean with me, or we need to separate."
That's not a boundary, it's an ultimatum -- there's a difference. Boundaries are about YOU, and not them, as in when you wrote:
Quote:
I couldn't live with a woman who was actively in an affair that I was aware of.
All you can do is tell a spouse what YOU are willing to -- and NOT willing to -- live with. What they then DO with that information is up to them, but they need to understand that what they decide will play the most crucial role in what YOUR decisions are going to be.
Puppy..Thanks. I have set boundaries and she has crossed them. I may need some help on making sure I set boudries and not rules. The consequences were separation. So she got what she wanted.
She has wanted to proceed to in house separation as fast as possible. I now know why. It is so then she can do anything she wants. Infidelity can no longer be used as grounds for divorce once in house sep is agreed. In another words she can screw around and have no consequences to her actions. So then since she does not work I get screwed all the way around. I also get to pay for her lawyer, her gas, spending money, clothes, birth control, Dr visits etc. That makes her another child . But I cannot manage this child and her actions but yet I am responsible for her actions. The credit cards, the school bills etc. I am worried about her actions effecting the family..drinking with her meds, drinking and driving etc.
Sorry I had to vent.
So we are now going for separation proceedings. She has told everyone that this is happening at my request. So this has backfired on me big time. She was the villain to all the friends as she wanted to separate and not me. They wanted her to try and fix for the kids sake and stop being selfish. She withdrew from all the friends. Now that I threw down I am being made out to be the villain. B/c I am crazy thinking she is having an affair. She would not jeopardize her schooling for something like that…blah blah blah.
I guess my problem is I hate injustice especially since it is against me. I always thought I would take a bullet for my family…kids and wife. Is taking this crap like taking one for the team? Should I just suck it up and move on? How do you deal with the kid factor? It is all so confusing from any angle. I am just struggling with these thoughts. It is a crisis of my soul and very being because of the kids. I just do not know the answer to these questions.
I feel I could just fall to pieces without seeing my kids on a daily basis. Do I have to detach from them as well? How the hell do you do that to a 5 and 9 year old that are everything in the world to me and me to them? W says they would pick me over her. So she is jealous. How have people come to grips with the limit on time with the kids? I am feeling so sick right now I can puke.
Good point puppy. So, a boundary may be: "If you aren't willing to end contact with OM I will remove myself from this situation."
Boundary?
Closer. And we are splitting hairs here. To be "pure boundary" it would be best as "I cannot live with you in my house if you won't end all contact with OM." But we're basically saying the same thing.
