Good start. From your ex's point of view, whether the EA became physical after the separation isn't really a technicality that gets you off the hook. You cheated, and then when he left, instead of pursuing him, you pursued the OM. In a way it's worse because he gave you an opportunity to show him that you loved him and you failed. I'm sure he would have wanted you to pursue him at that point. If it were me, I'd consider this a PA regardless of the separation.
As for him talking to the OM, I can tell you that 3 years out I have to see one of the OM semi-regularly due to mutual activities (plus our daughters are best friends). I suck it up, but inside I think about punching him every time. I hate him, and when I see him it's reminder of how he contributed to a hellish period in my life and my current status as single father of four who leads a life of duty that is most often unappreciated by my 'loved' ones.
You may want to go to: survivinginfidelity.com - it's an excellent resource specifically on affairs.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
