He's right that I didn't say what I was feeling about the money discussion until the MC. It took me a couple of days to figure it out, and then I didn't tell him when I did. I didn't know how to, or didn't have the nerve, or I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I do need something.
Last night, his response was that my arguments were out of line. He corrected me about the speaker he bought. It was at a closeout bargain price, so I must have had that cost confused with something else. And it does seem to him that I go out of my way to spend extra when he says we need to cut back. That statement is really unfair but he stands by it. That whole issue is still my problem.
His body language looked very defensive and angry this morning. I've been "ambushing" him at the MC sessions because I guess I feel braver there. I know I have to get braver at home too.
It's just more of the same. You know why you don't bring the stuff up at home. You've been told for years that you are wrong, stupid, need medication, etc. Why would you bring things up at home? So you bring them up where you are safe, and of course he doesn't like that, because he can't tell you that you are wrong, stupid, and need medication. So he waits til you get home, and then makes it all your fault.
If you want to continue MC, that's probably a good thing. But I don't think that means you shouldn't leave. I see you getting caught in a circle here, he's laid a trap.
He showed up. We're going to continue the MC for a little while longer.
Why?
Quote:
I don't know what I need to do different, what changes I need to make, or how to even interact with H anymore.
These are the wrong questions in my opinion. His behavior is ABUSIVE. You aren't supposed to be the one doing something different or making changes. Of course he says you remembered the speaker thing wrong. He will NEVER EVER admit HE did anything wrong. You didn't get confused, though, did you Bunny? I'm pretty sure you remember it correctly. If you want one thing you can say differently, how about "I can buy a rabbit cage if I want to."
He keeps telling you things like you're confused or insecure, ANY deflection away from him onto you. He wants to have these discussions "at home" so HE can ambush YOU. He can't bully you there like he does at home. No wonder he's so mad.
I would like to refer you back to your post where you listed out each category in your life (sex, education, religion, clothes, etc) and tell me why why why you are "working on it." IMO, your time and money would be much better spent on IC and deprogramming, healing and finding out WHY you are tolerating this and asking what YOU are doing wrong.
The Narcissist's Commandments Posted Sun, 07/05/2009 - 00:08
by Steve Becker, LCSW
You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special as in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism).
There is also a tremendous amount of evidence that MC is actually harmful with an abusive person for the very reasons you're describing. It might be safe to say it at MC but it's just more fuel for the fire afterward. He is not a reasonable person. Your MC's misguided attempts (as I see it) to "gain his trust" are just wasting your time and giving H different avenues to manipulate with (since he is only about manipulation) than addressing the problem. MC's are afraid of alienating abusers because then they'll leave C. But the counseling has no point if the abuse isn't being addressed.
I thought he spent $300 on it, he said it was only $60. He can show me the receipt, so I'm not sure what I was thinking of. OK, I can admit when I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate the generalization of "I go out of my way to spend extra." That's BS and unfair, and he knows it. And I already waited several weeks before buying the new cage. If our budget was so bad this month, I could have waited longer. I did offer to return it if it would help and he said "don't bother".
Whether he bought a speaker or not has nothing to do with whether you are "allowed" to buy a new rabbit cage, and how he generalizes and invalidates you, as you pointed out. Still, why not see that receipt?
I find it interesting that in that gigantic long post I wrote you focused on the one thing that maybe you did do wrong, a mistake you made.
I'm sorry to press...but your denial seems so extreme to me, and your desire to find some way you can change to receive better treatment. I feel really concerned for you.
There is also a tremendous amount of evidence that MC is actually harmful with an abusive person for the very reasons you're describing. It might be safe to say it at MC but it's just more fuel for the fire afterward. He is not a reasonable person. Your MC's misguided attempts (as I see it) to "gain his trust" are just wasting your time and giving H different avenues to manipulate with (since he is only about manipulation) than addressing the problem. MC's are afraid of alienating abusers because then they'll leave C. But the counseling has no point if the abuse isn't being addressed.
What Breakaway said here is spot on - and really vital for you to keep in mind. My experience was exactly as Breakaway describes - we went to MC and MC spent months trying to win my STBX's confidence - while I kept trying to be honest and saying things that were eventually used against me day after day by STBX. Narcissists are troubled people - and when they're abusive, it can be very hard for the abused partner to get out from under their spell (or the reality that the narcissist has created).
I see what you're doing, I recognize the patterns in you - because I was there myself - you want to do what is right, what is best, and your inclination is to think of others and not just yourself - that benefits the narcissist not you. You have got to find a way to trust in yourself - in a healthy way - not in a selfish way - and that will most likely mean extricating yourself from a very denigrating relationship.
And I'll say it once more - I do not believe MC can do much good in your situation. He needs to change - he needs T - and you have to find yourself - that can't happen when the focus is on whether or not he'll go to MC, or whether or not you spend too much - perhaps he knows that, perhaps it's just his way - since so long as you question yourself, you will be distracted from what is best for you.
We discussed the way H talks to me at last week's session and just kinda cursory at this week's. The MC's goal for H is to try to validate what I'm feeling, and for me to speak up. We have a long ways to go in those areas. And we haven't even started talking about the swinging issue and I'm feeling impatient. I think I was hoping a neutral third party would be able to tell H to wake the he!! up because he certainly doesn't believe it coming from me.
We're getting close to the holidays- is that a consideration? Does it make sense to stick around until January so everyone can try to enjoy them?
