Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Borrowed a work computer for the night. Checking out Google DropBox, which may be a Godsend for me. Finally got girls to sleep. Second straight night I've had them because W is swamped at work.

She called a couple of times and I didn't answer. Then I thought, if I called to say goodnight and she didn't answer, I'd be upset. So I called her back and handed the phone to D10 before she picked up.

Today felt good. Another round of phone calls with lawyers. I am in a strong position financially if we D and that gave me peace of mind.

Of course, the p*ssy way W treated me today when picking up D7 helped. Combine that with the fact that if I was still at home and she worked until 10 p.m. I would have had to get the girls to sleep and do the dishes, the laundry and get the school lunches ready for tomorrow without a thank you She said I did those things for sex. Well, that ended in June of 2008 and I continued to do those things until May of this year. I wonder if she notices the inconsistency.

Today, I'm wondering how we got 13 years in together.

The love of the family unit and a lot of acting.

I told my boss today we were likely heading toward a D and that meant I might be missing time for L visits. I work in the newspaper industry, which is getting hammered in this economy, and they are launching a large task force largely around things I write about or research.

Eventually, this will put me back in promotion territory, which I had given up to allow W to chase her career goals.

My boss, who divorced her first husband pro-se 25 years ago, was cool about it, said she may not include me on the task force because of it, but still the project can't succeed without me at its core so the situation won't hurt me long term.

Her only question was whether I'm continuing to work on the improvements I need to make in myself long term. I told her, yes, because if there was one positive out of the S it was that it woke me up to my self-centered ways.

I hope by the time I am promoted I have someone to call or come home to to share it with. At the very least, I'll have D10 and D7. I'm feeling very good tonight.

[ClingingToHope]

Going to be an interesting weekend. I'll be in Chicago freezing my *ss off while working at the Chicago Marathon. I may get to see an old HS friend, who was a cheerleader with W way back in the day, on Saturday. She lives in the big city and I filled her in on my sitch. It's not a date or an OW by any means. She's just one of many friends stepping up to help me through this.

W will be home with sick D7, while D10 is heading to her grandmother's campground for the weekend. That will be good for D10. I've apologized to W's mom for not really accepting them -- they are a troubled bunch and I kept them at arm's length throughout the M, which if I could do over is the biggest thing I would change.

This is day three of realizing the M is irretrievably broken. I'm going to wait a couple of weeks to give her the info I've dug up on Collaborative Divorces to allow her to calm down.

I want her to be in a good frame of mind when she gets it so she doesn't think I'm playing a game or doing something fake to look good to her. If she wants a divorce, I'm prepared to give it to her and have it move quickly. She needs to see what it's going to cost her to do it and I need closure. I've seen people on these boards who have been sitting around three years waiting for the WAS to magically come back.

I do not want a divorce, but I do not want to spend my life pining for someone who insists now she may have never loved me -- which I know isn't true and she'll realize it as well.

I will still love unconditionally, but if you love someone you have to let them free. She'll be free to see whether or not it was me making her unhappy.

All I can do is be the best I can be, especially for my daughters who are going to now bear the brunt of her moodiness. I was always the positive energy in the family and I will have to be more positive than ever -- and even smarter with my money because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be asked to step in when stbxW is short on money for camps, lessons, and the like.

[billclay18]

I will still love unconditionally, but if you love someone you have to let them free. She'll be free to see whether or not it was me making her unhappy.

Loving someone enough to set them free...I agree completely. But other than your children and your parents, you should love no one unconditionally. To do so shows weakness and lack of self respect.

[awest1217]

I agree with the letting her free part. That is the hardest thing to do. I was wrapping my mind around it when H came home. One day she will realize how much she loves you, when she doesn't see you every day and when you are not available to always get her out of tough situations, and she has to go to other people.

I know it is hard, but as long as you are ok with it and you feel it is what is best for you that is all that matters. My last bit of advice is be careful with getting a close friend that is a female. That is how things started with my H. They were just friends helping each other because both of their marriages were not going well, and now...well you know, so just be careful and be sure it stays just friends.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Awest. She lives in Chicago. I'm 90 minutes away. It's really a "fill the time" trip. I just found out an old crush from HS living in California is recovering from breast cancer. She's had a tougher year than I.

In my Tuesday conversation with W, she said she might not have the money to divorce me for four years. I told her I couldn't be in limbo for four years. She said I didn't have to, I can go out with whoever I want.

That has to rank as one of the 10 most hurtful things ever said to me. She cares so little.

This week has done wonders for me in cutting the emotional attachment.

[Coach]

. But other than your children and your parents, you should love no one unconditionally. To do so shows weakness and lack of self respect.

Hogwash. You can't give away won't you don't have. If you can't love yourself enough then you can't love someone else. How does loving someone unconditionally show weakness or lack of self-respect? The key is having boundaries with the love. It's a sign of strength and security in your self-worth to love without expectations.

[ClingingToHope]

How does loving someone unconditionally show weakness or lack of self-respect?

I think that way as well. Even if we D, I don't know if we'll be 'friends,' but I'll always love her. She's the mother of two beautiful girls and in most of the memories of my 20s and all of my 30s.

She's a confused, unhappy woman who never learned how to just accept herself as she is. I didn't help by trying to change her or work myself into depression trying to make her happy.

I still feel, some day, she'll realize what we had was real and worth saving. Unfortunately, that's not going to be for a long time.

[ClingingToHope]

Wow, I just went through my posts. My ClingingToHope has done a 180 in less than five weeks. Now, I'm hoping to move things along quickly.

[billclay18]

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one Coach. If what you say is true, then anyone we ever loved we would always love...an old girlfriend, ex spouses, etc. That simply isn't so. We love them...until we don't.

[awest1217]

n my Tuesday conversation with W, she said she might not have the money to divorce me for four years. I told her I couldn't be in limbo for four years. She said I didn't have to, I can go out with whoever I want.

My H said that too about 2 months ago and now he is home. Things are not great and when it comes to patience as DR says, man is it ever true. I have to practice patience more than ever before, but after a couple of weeks ago I think I went through that so I know I am strong enough to get through whatever comes my way so think of your horrible week the same. As you get through each horrible week, it makes you stronger and stronger so when you face the last battle, whatever it may be, you are strong enough to win.

Hang in there and trust God because he will take care of it all for you!