Not posting as frequently as there really isn't anything new; we're kind of in a holding pattern. Friendly, but not affectionate. Wife goes up and down in her moods but overall there's no animosity.
Since the OM has moved out of his house, she can now call him on the phone any time. She sneaked out to the garage one night while I was up in bed, so I suspect that she was talking to him. About what I have no idea.
The next day she gave me a kiss on the lips (extremely rare) before I left for work. Then she made a nice "congratulations" sign and got flowers to celebrate a long work project I completed successfully that day. Very nice, and I told her so, but in my mind I was reeling with the hypocrisy of it all. She's still reading a book on how to handle the children amidst divorce, but doesn't read it in front of me, nor does she keep it out anywhere.
The roller coaster keeps on chuggin'...
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Since the OM has moved out of his house, she can now call him on the phone any time. She sneaked out to the garage one night while I was up in bed, so I suspect that she was talking to him. About what I have no idea.
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The roller coaster keeps on chuggin'...
Without boundaries you will continue to be on the rollercoaster. You are using religion as a reason you can't set boundaries. As a Catholic I can assure you that the Church and God both have boundaries. Do you think God made you to be disrespected and a doormat with your wife? Unconditional love does not preclude boundaries. It is actually very loving to have healthy boundaries.
Who's being the hypocrite here? Does you wife carrying on with another man go against your religious beliefs and personal values? What are you doing to enable it? Is the Nice Guy approach working? You hold the keys to getting out of the holding pattern. What happens if your wife decides to divorce you? Did you really put up a fight and make a stand for her? Or were you being passive and letting her feel it out? Is the OM being passive?
I understand you don't want to be in this position and that you are afraid of pushing her away. Confidence, decisiveness and strength is attractive. Disrespecting you hurts you, your marriage and your family. There is only one way out of limboland.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hmmm; sounds like some BOUNDARIES need to be put in place.
Boundaries are for YOU, not for her. They are for you to get your self-esteem back, and not feel walked on. Have you set any? Or, having set them, do you not enforce them?
That was my SINGLE BIGGEST PROBLEM in my marriage -- my inability to set and enforce boundaries. So in my own sitch, when my wife had her affair, I realized I couldn't control her, but I COULD set boundaries, and for me they were:
- no texting or phoning OM from within our own home. If she wanted to do that, she'd have to take it outside or go for a drive.
- no meeting with or talking on the phone to OM in front of the kids, no matter WHERE.
- I will not pay for the things you use to conduct your affair, such as your cellphone, your tummy tuck surgery Visa payment, lingerie, Botox, etc.
- (this one was added later, and required a 2nd full confrontation): "I will no longer tolerate your DECEIT. Either you tell your parents and our adult daughters the truth about your relationship with OM (she had been saying "he's just a friend" and even accusing ME of "being crazy"), or I will, and I will show them my evidence. I gave her all of 5 minutes to decide, too.
If you don't have boundaries, you will continue to be disrespected, and that disrespect will not only slowly eat away at YOUR soul, emasculating you, but it will also cause your wife to lose her LOVE for you, since women tie their feelings of "respect" VERY closely with their feelings of "love."
Puppy
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks coach. I have actually set up the boundaries Puppy wrote about. I have to say that she has been respecting them; I told her no emails/texts/phone calls in our home or around me or the kids regardless of where we are. So I suspect that when she went outside she was doing it to respect the boundary (as well as so no one would hear her on the phone).
Granted, the calling is only my suspicion, and it could be unfounded. I have no proof of what she was actually doing, or even if she made a call (or if she did I have no idea who she was talking to - she has a couple of friends she talks to a lot about their depression), as I was in bed. I just heard her going out the door.
Given that I am trying to practice aspects of LRT, I have not questioned her on her whereabouts or posed any questions regarding the OM. And I have no concrete proof of anything that violated a boundary - since I'm not snooping. She doesn't go out at night and never mentions the OM anymore. She does have lunches with people who are in a job search group. Does the OM meet her there as well? No idea. And I won't have an idea unless I physically spy on her, which would be pursuit. I've stopped all pursuit.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Thanks for those clarifications; I'm glad to hear you're enforcing some good healthy boundaries.
I did, however, want to quibble with this:
Originally Posted By: pigskin
Does the OM meet her there as well? No idea. And I won't have an idea unless I physically spy on her, which would be pursuit. I've stopped all pursuit.
Regardless of where one stands on the whole subject of intel-gathering ("snooping"), it is NOT the same as Michele's concept of "Pursuit." Since most intel-gathering is, by definition, undetected by the one you're evaluating, how can it constitute "pursuit" in the DBing sense of the word?
Pursuit would be for you to walk up to your wife at her lunch group, and try to make it look like you "were just in the neighborhood." Putting a GPS-enabled cellphone in her trunk to determine if she's going where she SAYS she's going, unbeknownst to her, is NOT pursuit.
Again -- reasonable people can disagree on the whole "snooping" thing, and the purpose of my post is not to re-open that whole conversation here. Just wanted to make the above clarification.
Haven't posted in a while so just giving an update.
No change in my situation although it is clear my wife feels guilt. She no longer has the opinion that God pushed her to the OM. She thinks what she is doing now is not what God wants.
To quote Caddyshack, "So I got that going for me. Which is nice."
Of course she still isn't listening to what God wants and continues contact with the OM daily via email and lunches. I have no control over this, but my boundaries are being respected, so there is little I can do in this area. I know the OM is putting pressure on her to take the relationship further. Perhaps he is getting impatient.
I have gotten pretty good at detaching. I still have moments of anger but they pass, and I never let her see me reacting that way.
I'm committed to this marriage and have to continue to be patient. I know the Lord is doing all He can, and gradually He will break through to her.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Of course she still isn't listening to what God wants and continues contact with the OM daily via email and lunches. I have no control over this, but my boundaries are being respected, so there is little I can do in this area. I know the OM is putting pressure on her to take the relationship further. Perhaps he is getting impatient.
Use this in your favor. You need your wife to respect you. You want the OM pressuring her. You want to start feeling better. So let's restate the boundary, it's about her behavior that needs to change.
"Wife, when you spend time and energy with another man I feel disrespected. If you continue to place another man as a higher priority than me then I will decide which path our marriage goes."
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so there is little I can do in this area
Are you paying for her cell phone, internet, lunches?
Does the OM's wife know what's going on?
Are you going out for yourself and being mysterious?
Are you connecting with old friends?
Don't enable any of this behavior. Guilt isn't going to change your wife, your actions she will notice.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
