Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Going to be an interesting weekend. I'll be in Chicago freezing my *ss off while working at the Chicago Marathon. I may get to see an old HS friend, who was a cheerleader with W way back in the day, on Saturday. She lives in the big city and I filled her in on my sitch. It's not a date or an OW by any means. She's just one of many friends stepping up to help me through this.

W will be home with sick D7, while D10 is heading to her grandmother's campground for the weekend. That will be good for D10. I've apologized to W's mom for not really accepting them -- they are a troubled bunch and I kept them at arm's length throughout the M, which if I could do over is the biggest thing I would change.

This is day three of realizing the M is irretrievably broken. I'm going to wait a couple of weeks to give her the info I've dug up on Collaborative Divorces to allow her to calm down.

I want her to be in a good frame of mind when she gets it so she doesn't think I'm playing a game or doing something fake to look good to her. If she wants a divorce, I'm prepared to give it to her and have it move quickly. She needs to see what it's going to cost her to do it and I need closure. I've seen people on these boards who have been sitting around three years waiting for the WAS to magically come back.

I do not want a divorce, but I do not want to spend my life pining for someone who insists now she may have never loved me -- which I know isn't true and she'll realize it as well.

I will still love unconditionally, but if you love someone you have to let them free. She'll be free to see whether or not it was me making her unhappy.

All I can do is be the best I can be, especially for my daughters who are going to now bear the brunt of her moodiness. I was always the positive energy in the family and I will have to be more positive than ever -- and even smarter with my money because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be asked to step in when stbxW is short on money for camps, lessons, and the like.