Divorced, big mistake!

[dday101798]

Ok mar, I was really supportive for you in your other thread, still am, don't get me wrong, but seeking sanity's (SS) 2x4 must have been warped or water logged and didn't deal a sufficient blow, so here it goes.

As SS said, you are not accepting responsibility for the A, you are still blaming the problem within the marriage for it and thus making your X 50% responsible for you being with OM. STOP. You need to differentiate the M problems with the A. You chose that route all on your own. And I will tell you the one thing that can really piss a LBS off is to be told and have the notion that your galavanting around with someone else is their fault. Hell, typing that, even blood pressure went up thinking of all the times that my X claimed(s) this.

Secondly, even tho it may have only been a EA, and you may have professed that to your X, guess what, in his mind I can assure he envisions you and OM together and by default the b.s. meter is pegged. You need to assure him 100% that there was no physical interaction involved. Hell again, thinking of my sitch when my X proclaimed they hadn't slept together (yet) I called it b.s. Why? If I may, who was the persuer in the M? Who engaged intimacy 90% of the time? So when that person takes off and is with someone else, human nature and the frailty that is man only assumes, that is happening htere and 10 fold since it's all new and exciting, with no strings attached.

As SS said, I wish as well that my X would give me half the 'chance' you have demonstrated to your X to make things right again. Why? You "think" your X "still cares"? I assure you he does. Especially if you had a cordial D from the way it sounds. Dabbing on my sitch again, our D was horrendous, my X did everything she could to demean me and most importantly take my kids away from me completely. And even after all that, I look at her living conditions, I think about what might happen to her if she lost her income, hell I just worry for her. Why? Because after all that, deep down inside I know I hurt her and made her not want to be with me. Again, not making it an excuse for the A, but I DO still care for my X.

Lastly, you say "He and our son were always my first priority". I will bet you the farm that as result of the A and being partially blamed for it, your X doesn't see it that way at all.

All that said, agreed, you need to somehow, someway reassure him that the A NEVER reached PA status. Whatever takes, I don't know. The good news is, your X seems to still have a "what if" status to him. Usually, or at least with myself and others I converse with here, the game is up when the LBS no longer questions "what if" and says the hell with it and leaves it up to the WAS to live with that question.