Magnificent

[ClingingToHope]

It feels awful to even say that, but honestly there is next to no hope for any of us here on these boards regarding M's that are failing. I read all of that raw pain, the A's, the children left swirling in the aftermath of their parent's selfishness and it makes everything in this life look so bleak. If people can do this to their own families, their own children, what hope is there for anyone in this life?

How are you feeling this morning? I agree with you that very, very few here are going to ever get the M back that they want. Today is day 3 of finally letting it go. I was rebuffed roughly for the fourth time on Tuesday on the phone, finally called some attorneys to check on low-cost divorces and felt at peace when I learned I'm not going to be driven to the poorhouse.

So even though these DB techniques in the end aren't going to help in this M, the stuff I've learned about myself in my S will down the road.

A big thing is the fear of starting over and finding someone new and the realization that my daughters' lives are going to irrevocably changed.

Fear is fear and the only thing that will help is time. That's tough because that saying doesn't help today.

My girls, that's tougher. They are doing well right now, but soon they'll start seeing the inevitable changes. Thanksgiving with one parent. Christmas split with two. Fewer presents under the tree. Cutbacks on theater classes, dance classes are too expensive, only half the swim meets because one parent doesn't want to take time out of her weekends. The weeklong summer horse back riding camp? That's $525 per child and now too expensive. Those new shoes she's really wanted, well maybe something similar. The annual trip to the American Girl Doll Store now becomes semi-annual.

For the most part, and this may be chauvinistic, it's tougher for the LBS husband with kids because usually the W's hold all the cards in custody situations.

A saving grace here is that my W has such a stressful job (60-65 hours) a week, while mine allows me to come and go as I please, that I get lots of time with the girls. I see them at the end of every school day, every other weekend and at least one night a week. Already, W has had to ask me to take them an additional night twice because of the demands of her job.

Now that I'm seeing the D future clearly, I can wonder when she's going to realize the root of her problems is she just can't accept her life as it is. Her job sucks (she's the only supervisor out of eight at her level that isn't on antidepressants), but she makes a tremendous amount of money for someone without a college degree. I think she sees it as a trap though. She makes too much to quit and start over. She is jealous of my job because of its flexibility even though I earn less. She's stuck unless she wants to break free.

I had a talk with Dottie the DB counselor. She said when I get down about W I should "be proud" of W because she's taking care of herself. She can't change jobs. She can't sell the house -- a huge energy drain. And she can't change her kids. I'm the one thing she can change, to see if that will make her life better.

In the summer, when there were lots of days off and extra money and things to do and people to see and freedom from having to check with someone on things for 13 years, it was all good.

In the fall and winter, when the bills go up, the kids get sick and can't go to school, reviews are due, people stay at home rather than go out or the bar scene becomes stale, well things might appear a little different.

I hope today goes well for you.