I can honestly say that this forum is a huge help. It's not always learning new things, but being reminded of what to do and not to do.
I got a call from her after i left. She apologized for being upset and thanked me for continuing to try to be a friend through all of this. She sounded sincere. I was encouraged, but she was still talking about when we sign, the forms we need to fill out, etc..
I know I can't expect a 180 in her overnight. little steps like this are promising, but the hope gets lost in the continued progression toward filing for divorce.
I continue to match my actions with my words. I will try harder to use less words. in fact, I asked her to email me the papers so I could review them ahead of time so that we didn't spend so much time together going over them. I was honest, maybe to a fault, in saying that it is difficult to respect her wishes of not begging for her to change her mind when we are going through this together and if I had the information ahead of time, I could be better prepared and we could get through it more quickly. Making emmotional decisions on the fly is not fair to me (I didn't say that part to her).
I have had the idea from what you post that you must be still trying to talk her out of a D whenever you see her.....and this backs that up:
Quote:
I was honest, maybe to a fault, in saying that it is difficult to respect her wishes of not begging for her to change her mind when we are going through this together
I don't know that it does any good for me to point out to you that the more you "beg"....the less attractive you are. She doesn't want to see begging, crying, pleading, promises, etc. And, you can't seem to get it through your head that b/c she reacted angry when you were showing a positive mental attitude......that that was a good sign....and you get the idea that you are doing the "wrong" thing and she may think you want a D. Read my signature line!
In fear that she will get the wrong idea, you asked if you should continue to act happy,. Of course you continue to act happy and upbeat. If you show how sad you are, then NOBODY will want to be around you. Listen, the fact is that the way she is feeling--and the way you are feeling--should be swapped with each other. Then maybe you would get the right idea of DBing. Like when your imagination was running wild and thinking she might be with OM. That is what she should have been thinking. She should have wondered if she set you free just so you could go out with OW. And...who know? Maybe she did wonder about that.
She needs to see you making it just fine without her.....and you are scared to death to show her that. She needs to see a strong man who is self-confident and will make the most of his situation. Don't you want to be that attractive man to her? Then, stop acting like some pitiful sad-sack and start showing her how great you are. You will not be able to do this in any type of privacy--like when you were living together, but there will be times that she will see you. Even if it is three minutes....make them count.
You said DB was not working. What did you base that statement upon? The fact that you waited until time for her to find a lawyer to start applying the principles....or was it b/c she wasn't stopped dead in her tracks? DB does work and if you are smart (and I think you are) then start reading the book again and keep doing what it says.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have had the idea from what you post that you must be still trying to talk her out of a D whenever you see her.....and this backs that up:
Quote:
I was honest, maybe to a fault, in saying that it is difficult to respect her wishes of not begging for her to change her mind when we are going through this together
I don't know that it does any good for me to point out to you that the more you "beg"....the less attractive you are. She doesn't want to see begging, crying, pleading, promises, etc. And, you can't seem to get it through your head that b/c she reacted angry when you were showing a positive mental attitude......that that was a good sign....and you get the idea that you are doing the "wrong" thing and she may think you want a D. Read my signature line!
In fear that she will get the wrong idea, you asked if you should continue to act happy,. Of course you continue to act happy and upbeat. If you show how sad you are, then NOBODY will want to be around you. Listen, the fact is that the way she is feeling--and the way you are feeling--should be swapped with each other. Then maybe you would get the right idea of DBing. Like when your imagination was running wild and thinking she might be with OM. That is what she should have been thinking. She should have wondered if she set you free just so you could go out with OW. And...who know? Maybe she did wonder about that.
She needs to see you making it just fine without her.....and you are scared to death to show her that. She needs to see a strong man who is self-confident and will make the most of his situation. Don't you want to be that attractive man to her? Then, stop acting like some pitiful sad-sack and start showing her how great you are. You will not be able to do this in any type of privacy--like when you were living together, but there will be times that she will see you. Even if it is three minutes....make them count.
You said DB was not working. What did you base that statement upon? The fact that you waited until time for her to find a lawyer to start applying the principles....or was it b/c she wasn't stopped dead in her tracks? DB does work and if you are smart (and I think you are) then start reading the book again and keep doing what it says.
Holy crap this is spot on. I am putting on the game face today and going in the MC a happy content man. I do not care that she thinks I am being bipolar over the last few days. I am going in and saying a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The only problem is how do i keep putting up that front?
I generally post many things here that are my thoughts and not necessarily my actions. often times I might not be clear about that.
Yesterday, I stepped away from a discussion that was going south. I told her I needed to leave because I choose to be amicable in this divorce and needed time to calm down. I left. She called 15 minutes later. I didn't answer. In her voicemail, she apologized for being upset and thanked me for trying hard to be a friend.
Today I got an email from her detailing everything I did wrong last week when I was at home. I responded to her email in a very nice way, I didn't say she was wrong, I didn't list the things she did wrong when she was home. I simply acknowledged what was fair (I didn't clean the bathrooms) and the items that were incorrect, I stated my case. For example. She was upset that our oldest daughter didn't appear to be brushing her teeth. I told her that I tell her to do so each monring and she tells me she has. If she has not, then I am disappointed and will make sure she does when I am home next time.
She was upset that a sheet that was supposed to be signed detailing minutes that were read with our youngest daughter each night was not done. I responded that it was done, but I hung it on the fridge and forgot to send it back to school with her. I further said that I will make a list of things, such as this, to go over at our weekly transition meetings.
I went out last night. I had a great time. I am in good spirits today and I have dont a pretty good job of applying the DB techniques, even if my posts impy otherwise. Yes, I have stumbled, but I remain dead calm around her. I don't cry. I don't beg. I only focus on doing what is right in this divorce and focusing on the kids. I choose my words carefully.
She needed her car fixed; but we are seperating accounts. We incurred some rather large bills this week with an attorney and costs to file (more on that later). Since we are seperating accounts, that might be something that we have to wait until our next paychecks for and because she will have her own account then, that she may need to figure it out. She was mad. I recanted, said, I understand, why don't we figure out how much it will cost and see if we can fit it in this weeks budget. She got more angry and said "no, I'll do it on my own". I said "ok".
I was never angry, I was dead calm, honest and sincere.
Here is what has changed in the last week.
I have determined that I am going to do everything I can to save my marriage. I'll do this through the DB techniques. If I end up crushed in the end, I will at least not have regrets for not giving it 100%.
I have sucessfully defused at least 3 arguments in the last 24 hours. I continue to make my actions and words consistent.
Today she said that I had another 2 WEEKS before we would file. This started a month ago with the words "I'm filing tomorrow".
So, Sandi, let me be clear, I am applying the techniques and they are working. What I wrote before was me being weak. It was venting. I should have been more clear. I did make some mistakes, but I continue to get stronger each day.
Glad you are coming here to express your feelings. And, I'm glad you are not necessarily doing what you are "feeling" but what you know is the right thing to do in the stitch.
I only want to point one thing out about your W. All this stuff she is listing that you or the kids are doing wrong....mostly you, is a bunch of cr@p. It is not the real source of her unhappiness. Every single person could make a mile long list of what their S does that irritates them, but they have to accept that as part of being human and unable to be "perfect" in everything they do. Even if you were able to master each thing she complained about, she would still be unhappy in the MR. It is not what is causing her "real" problem.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, I continue to try to be the coffee beans and change my adversity. I find myself less self loathing, but I still have my moments. I actually have too much planned for this weekend. Dinner at some friends house, a golf outing, church, etc...
My W has been calmer, but still very focused on the D. We have our oldest daughters B-Day to plan and we seperated finances today...sort of. Enough that we each have responsibility for 1/2 of the spending money for the next two weeks. I really like this and wish we had seperated finances long before...never thought that was what "good" married people did, but it isn't 1950 anymore and as the "CFO" in our family, I realize that I never really asked about spending money, but my W always had to because I needed to make ti work in the budget. I can see why she was upset about that.
When we were talking I told her that I was golfing Sunday and she suddenly stopped and said "I don't want to know". I said okay and we eneded the call.
She sent me an email immediatly after that apologized for being short with me, but she said it hurt because she always asked me to go golfing with her and I never did and to hear that I am doing it now makes her angry. She said she is happy I am doing things for myself, building a support network, etc... she just doesn't want to hear about it, but will someday be okay with it.
I think that is a positive sign.
I realized earlier this week that no matter what happens, this approach is the best approach. I realize there is a 99+% chance I am getting a divorce. I can be a poop and make it messy, lose my wife as a friend, etc.. Some day I will be sitting on a log, looking at the water and have regrets for having done that. I will not do that.
If I want her back (and I do) then this is my last shot.
I will not have any additional regrets in life as a result of this marriage. I will be fair, happy and a true friend to her, but I will also make the changes I used to only say I would do. She is seeing those changes and it is making her angry. That's probably good.
So, here is my question...I assume it is normal when doing DBing that the WAS initially gets more upset. Sandi used the analogy of hanging onto a rope wrapped around my W and she is pulling and I am pulling back. I just need to let go. I assume that when you do, the initial feeling is of anger (hence the comment about "I thought you would take longer to get over this then you have").
I am GAL and I have an email from my W that says it is upsetting her.
As I posted yesterday, we were talking an I told her I needed to stop by and get my golf clubs because I was doing a golf outing on Sunday. She stopped me and said she didn't want to know. I said okay and the call ended (it was about a 10 minute call covering mostly kid stuff).
She sent me an email immediatly stating that she didn't mean to be short. She went on to say that she doesn't know how many times she asked me to golf with her, or in events for myself, and I didn't and it hurts her to see me doing this now. She said she would rather not know about these things now, but knows that in time she will be able to accept it.
The words she spoke said were heard by me as:
"It bothers me that you are GAL" "I want to be friends, even after divorce and that means hearing about what you are doing" "I am frusterated that now you are showing change when I have decided that I am done with our relationship" "I want to get to a point where I am okay with this, but I am not there".
Now, I can take these two ways. The first is to say DBing is working. The other is to say that she is still focused on divorce, but wants to be amicable and just needs more time to "get over me" and that is what she is trying to do.
I learned a few things.
1) Actions speak louder than words. I failed to be mysterious in my activities. I straight out told her what I was doing without being asked. I shouldn't have done that. Simply calling to say I needed to pick something up and then taking my clubs would have been more effective.
2) My marriage is not over. There is hope, no matter how small.
3) Anger is a weak motivator. It certainly helps people feel good about their current state of mind, but it is not sustainable, at least not if you want to be truely happy in life. Anger fades, and when it does, it gives way to other more long term emmotions.
Feeling sad now. Need to go out. The weekend without the kids is tough. No real plans today makes it worse. Tomorrow is filled with activites, but today it's just me.
W seemed crabby on the phone.
Need to build myself up. Not showing anger, sadness or hostility.
(hence the comment about "I thought you would take longer to get over this then you have").
Remember in the anology when I said how when you dropped the rope that she would kind of stumble and almost fall and then turn to look at you in shock? Well, this is what she is doing now. She doesn't really know how to take the changes you are making at this time. She is shocked that you did not grieve longer b/c she was expecting you to just simply give up trying to live if she D you, but that isn't what you have done.....so it has her attention. Yes, she is angry that you are doing those things that she wanted and you have waited until now to do them. But when you think about it, it only stands to reason that she "should" feel that way. In time, I believe she will get past the angry stage and then she'll watch to see if those changes will stick. When she decides they will....she will begin to want to have you back. That is why it is so great that you are learning as you go and making adjustments where you need to.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
