Question

[awest1217]

Yesterday, I went to my counselor. H refused to come because he does not want to get "bashed". H has a psychology degree so I said you know she will not do that, but he still refused. H came home and stayed home alone all night (I drove past the house a few times to be sure he was here and OW was not). H did call OW, but that is it. My counselor said I was doing everything "right" or at least being smart. She commended me on still going to the lawyer. She also said to keep treating H will respect and love, but let it be known that you do not agree with his relationship with OW. Don't necessarily say anything, but H should know it bothers me. I agree with that and I believe he does. She also said to be cautious and not get too excited since I don't know H's motive for coming home, the fact he is unwilling to give up OW even for a little while, and that he is not being affectionate at all. She feels that if he really wants us to work he would start at least giving me hugs and kissing me. I don't agree with this because honestly I don't know if I am ready for that.

I think my biggest thing is that H is still being very secretive about everything. He deletes all his texts so I can't check them. Clears the history on the computer. Has a lock on his iPod so I cannot read anything he has stored on there. I agree he deserves some privacy, but one of the expectations I made in the beginning of September is full disclosure and I do not feel he is doing it.

I don't want to ruin anything with him coming home, but at the same time I don't want to go back to being a door mat either.

Has anyone out there ever dealt with a situation like this so they can give me advice? I don't want to talk to my girl friends because they have my best interests at heart and would fire me up to confronting H and possibly starting a fight. I just want to talk about how I feel and come up with a solution that we BOTH agree to and BOTH want so our marriage can work. Right now I feel like the fall back option and I should not. I should feel chosen. I also want to be careful because H has been great as I have written before. H has been helping me out a lot so I can tell he wants to be responsible (a first for him) and has grown up (counselor said she thought so too from what I was saying). For example, H found out a student of his has the flu so yesterday he cleaned the entire house and disinfected everything. He said he wanted to make sure we were healthy and that way when I stayed home (I took today off because it has been a crazy week, and it just so happens I have pink eye) I could relax and this weekend we would not have to clean, but then when I looked at how he brought in the mail he still separated everything into mine and his and did not keep it together. H also has not moved all of his stuff back or told anyone he has moved back but OW and one of my brothers.

So I don't want H to think I am not appreciating the changes he has made and just constantly demanding more, but I also don't want to be a doormat. I need advice!