Is this the end....or a new beginning?

[goodattitudegirl]

Hi folks! My day was longer than I expected so not much time to write this evening.

GIMA and MA Holm, thank you VERY much for your masculine perspectives! We girls really appreciate your feedback and perspectives. MA, I have to admit that I am a bit surprised at your list for the reasons you stated. In your experience do a lot of men have these items on THEIR lists? GIMA, I'm following your thread's discussion of LLs. It's VERY interesting!

Mishka, Cas, LR, and BC, thanks for stopping by. Your input is always welcome.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

Hi all,

Are there any recovered MLC'ers out there who can give me advice on this? With D-day fast approaching I'm confused about what to do. I had shifted my approach with WAH to a somewhat gucci-esque beginning the second week of September and all the anniversaries (bomb and wedding). I have not initiated contact and taken several days to respond to H when he initiated contact.

I spent one evening with H, last thursday which was the evening he invited me to dinner to celebrate my birthday. H was out of sorts (see earlier posts) because of work stress. I thought, maybe his irritable mood was due to work stress but don't know for sure.

Fast forward to this evening. Saw H at health club. H walked right in front of me but didn't look at me (was eyeing college girls next to me). Wasn't certain whether to chat him up since that would be a break in the gucci strategy, but went with my gut. Wanted to ask H how his work glitch came out last friday (H went to dinner for 3 hours with me even though he was having work issues with his employees).

I went up to H and asked how things worked out on friday. H said last friday was one of the top 3 worst days ever at Company X and began listing the things that happened. I validated, said it sounded awful. H looked REALLY stressed. I have no way of knowing if his response is all due to work or if there are other things going on.

I thanked H for taking me to dinner and honoring his invitation even though he was so busy with unexpected problems last thursday. His look softened a bit, and he said "Of course I would. It was fun."

Me: "I sent you a thank you card for dinner".
H: H's look immediately brightened (as if the thought of someone doing something nice for him was a welcome surprise).
Me: "It's a very special thank you card."
H: "Oh, it must be an audible card."
Me: "No, but it's VERY special."

Over the weekend I made 2 homemade cards (1 thank you card and 1 Halloween card) for H using Photoshop on the computer and two photos of our cat and neighbor's cat wearing Halloween costumes (these pets are very special to H and me). I had the cards printed professionally. H should receive them tomorrow. Big break with gucci strategy. I guess H's reaction to this will provide important info about where his head is at.

After this exchange H's mood became stressed again. H said his sister is coming to visit in 1 week and wants to visit with me. H looked a little suspicious and nervous when saying this. I'm not certain why H's sister wants to visit with me. We were never very close. Very different lives. It will be interesting to see what she has to say.

I told H I am planning to visit his mother with cat in tow on Wednesday. H looked surprised and pleased. I said I will see her during the day since Wednesday is my day off. H frowned since I reminded him that my work hours have dramatically reduced.

So.........after journaling this my impression is that H is VERY stressed out for some reason. Jody has said to me many times "H needs a friend". I think that H's unfiltered responses seem to indicate that he really DOES need a friend right now and that little kindnesses will mean a lot to him.

Gentlemen, how do stressed out men want to be treated?

Sorry this was so long.

GAG

[Lost Rabbit]

GAG you are really good at asking questions, that is one thing i'd really like to know as Ive always tried to fix things and Im not the same character as H, I'd say something he'd stew on it then lose it. So my advice would never be taken cos its not his way.. Look forward to the answer!

Yes your H does sound like he needs a friend, so just do what a friend does, let him know youre there, and when he talks listen and no saying "you know what i'd do".. and certainly when he is in friend mode no being in wife mode for you, remember youre being his friend at that point.

[goodattitudegirl]

LR,

Thanks for your feedback. It is VERY much appreciated, always. Off to work now, but I think I'll have timer at work to check in your sitch.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

Just got back from taking H's mother out for the afternoon. Mother has early stages of dementia and moved into a senior citizens apartment building 2 weeks ago. She has really enjoyed my visits over the past 6 months, since H allowed me to see her again, and H appreciates these too. AoS is one of H's LL. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day here today. I took MIL to a dog park for 1 1/2 hours. Lots of small dogs running around in the sun. We both enjoyed it! Then I bought her dinner and brought her back to my house to visit with cat.

I have never brought up D with MIL. Aside from DB principles, it didn't make sense to talk to her about this because MIL has trouble remembering what was said 5 minutes before. Tonight over dinner and out of the blue MIL brought up the D and asked why H and I are getting a D? (This was quite surprising.) I said that I didn't know why her son was D'ing me since I had left my busy job many months ago. Told MIL she would have to ask her son. Told her that her son was the love of my life......She most likely won't remember any of this conversation but will probably remember the dog park.

Seeing the dogs play WAS a lot of fun today.

GAG

[MrBond]

GAG,

You've been doing very well in your sitch and recognizing the patterns in your H. If he is in MLC and is coming out of it, don't be surprised to see a bunch of cycling on his behalf.

He will still be very confused, so no matter what you do in terms of being a woman, may not affect him as it would a normal male. Continue to show your support for him and encourage him by agreeing to what he says. Then ask him "what are you going to do about it?" Guys need to problem solve not just to have their thoughts validated. If you present that to him, he'll understand what needs to be done.

Love him from a distance and give those 20 somethings a run for their money. But do not expect him to act in a logical way. He definitely will not. Be hot, act hot and look hot. He'll snap out of it one day. Just don't give the perception of putting any pressure on him.

Have you ever watched "Desperate Housewives" how the women on there have can manipulate the circumstances to get the end result they are looking for? Well that's what you need to do. You have to make it seem like he comes to his own conclusions. He's going to have to do that in order to come out of the fog he is in.

You can do it. Good luck.

[goodattitudegirl]

Stuck,

Thank you SO much for your post. Those were words of encouragement that I really needed to hear right now. You sound very knowledgeable on this topic. I have seen your posts elsewhere but I will now go back and look at your threads more closely.

What is your experience with MLC?

Thanks.

GAG

[MrBond]

My W is going through one right now. She had an A with her boss twice her age, did things she always said she'd never do. Had the traditional triggers of a close family member dying, loss of job, newborn child, etc.

All this leads to her re-evaluating her life and thinking that she better do something about it to make her happy. Well first thing she did was cast out our M. Blamed me for alot of things that wasn't true, never admitted her A, being depressed, etc.

During this time I've read everything and anything about MLC and it all comes down to this...

YOU can't change their behavior or what they will or will not think. All you can do is take care of yourself. Imagine MLC like a hurricane, destroying everything in it's path. You have to be the one in the bunker to protect yourself and wait till the storm blows over. You are going to be the one who is going to have to pick up the pieces after the storm is over. So while you're in that bunker, you make sure you have the supplies necessary to get yourself prepared (self-esteem, confidence, inner strength). You're going to have to do all this on your own because your MLC spouse is spending all their emotional energy on themselves.

After they hit rock bottom, you're going to have to be the lifeline that's going to be the emotional light that guides them back. It's their choice to take it or not, but at least you know you've weathered the storm intact as a whole human being.

Make sense?

[goodattitudegirl]

Stuck,

Thanks for stopping by. It makes me feel less alone in this. I went back to read your initial post. It looks like your situation started around the same time as mine (Feb 2008) but my H kept it to himself, just withdrew. When I tried to talk to him about his withdrawal he stonewalled.

Are you making any progress in your sitch? Are you and W still in the same house? Has she filed for D? It sounds as though you are trying to wait for her to come out of her fog. With my D-day approaching, the prospect of "waiting" for the fog to lift takes on a different color. I like your "bunker" metaphor.

I don't know if my H is in MLC or not but yesterday Jody (coach) and I talked about it. She said that my H is not responding like a typical WAS and appears to be in a clinical depression, based on his writings and behavior. I'm just trying to center myself and figure out where to go from here. Your comments have helped.

Thanks!

GAG

[Lost Rabbit]

GAG youre doing well hun! My H is not typical WAS either, I felt as if I had been steam rollered flat after some of his behaviour, not so much the pain he caused but more the complete shock that my normal, sweet loving H could even contemplate behaving in this way. IMHO he was/is suffering from burn out/depression/mlc. We are getting somewhere but its scary and slow at the moment. Just remember that what ever anyone says on here you know what your real H is like, keep that in mind always although they do comply with the script and a lot on here is so spot on its scary/laughable sometimes even. If Jody is right and I could bet she is, he needs a friend and if you do all Stuck says to do which is very very important it will show him that despite every thing you have kept your house in order, looked after yourself and be that beacon as brightly as you can hun, it does work, grumpy woe is me woman got me no were with H, sexy sassy attractive non panicking woman got his attention big time!