Divorced, big mistake!

[seeking sanity]

Mar - this is slight 2x4. You had an EA. You refused to go no contact, so hubby left, and it's both of your faults? You're dodging accountability. And since you seem to be the one who wants him back, his feelings are more relevant to the sitch than yours. After all, he feels you chose OM, and that hurts him deeply.

Each spouse is 50% responsible for the relationship stuff, but you are 100% responsible for the affair. You need to make that right with him, before dealing with the underlying marital issues.

It's possibly he saw this as an excuse to leave. If he did, then he probably doesn't care that much. If he didn't, EA or not, he's wounded by it.

My experience with infidelity is a bit different, more extreme (I would have LOVED to have a spouse like you, in comparison) but it's all basically very similar. The person having the affair rewrites marital history to support his/her actions, because they don't want to believe they are "bad" people. The betrayed spouse feels like his/her life has been a lie and that they aren't, somehow, good enough. The way to get past it, from a betrayed spouses point of view, is to have transparency, absolute honesty, and to have the straying partner to do things that show love and rebuild trust.

Maybe one time when you are hanging out, you could bring it up in a gentle way. Say something like, "I have a lot of regret around my actions with the OM. I had an emotional affair and I causes me deep sadness that I brought this into our marriage. Regardless of what happens with us, I want to try to make this right with you. Is there anything I can do, or anything you'd like to know, anything at all that I could do for you to help heal this wound?"

That gives him an out if he really doesn't want to talk about it, or it gives him a chance to ask the things he's stewed about.