Well, he came by today to do some work on his computer. I was about to leave and was not warm and fuzzy. He asked me what was wrong. I said I didn't want to get into it. I was fine. He insisted that something had changed...I finally went off on him about the comment he made to the kids last night. Then he went into how I'm out every night, blah blah blah...it was awful and I lost it and I was crying and I just told him that I need him out of my life that he equals pain and he sees me ok and he just doesn't stop until I turn into an overemotional psycho bitch. It devolved and I can't even get into all of it. I left. He emailed me that he promises he is going to get help this time and he can't stand hurting me just cuz he is out of control.
Later, when I came home, he was still here. I asked him if he has even contemplated clearing all of the bullshit and trying to deal with the hurt and the feelings between us. It was a lot of ya but and it is complicated and he has this girl and he knows it could end up being nothing but he feels so strongly and blah blah blah. And I finally told him to just go all the way. He has his friends and his new life so he can just leave me alone.
There was more but now, I have put it out there and I told him it is very generous for me to even offer putting any energy into this R given how I have been treated, that I have no illusions that we will be together, I just think it could be worth healing the dynamic between us.
Really, it disgusts me. The whole thing. I had to basically shove him out of here. I did suggest that when he gets back from his trip, he takes his computer out of here and whatever else he needs because I don't want him coming here acting like this is his place.
And the other guy isn't calling which is fine but would be nice to have a little buffer here.
