Who is this person?

[25yearsmlc]

DaybyDay,

You're quite welcome. Here's round 2 and it'll be "it" for awhile. But I think a lot of what I posted to Lost41 and Stuck8 are applicable to you as well. Don't be too hard on yourself despite what I just wrote. I did my share of pleading my case too. I recall thinking if I were in front of the Supreme Court, I'd win my "argument & case" but my h could not be reached back then. And guilt was the worst thing I could do for or to him though it'd have worked on ME...we cannot apply those things to them. FWIW, I personally don't support the snooping into OW activities unless you think it would give you closure. Otherwise, what's the point of the torture?
As for their recall or marital revisions...My h does not recall some of the things he said. I believe him. Back when his "MLC/WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS", was going on, I asked him point blank if he thought I was bluffing or he was just willing to take a chance on losing his family and he said "willing to take the chance" and he has NO RECALL OF THIS and denied ever saying it, til I told him where I was standing when he said it and what I was doing....so sometimes the alien abduction description applies...)

Your h IS confused, that's fair to say. Hence his own wording of "transition". But if your kids want to share with you, let them...hear them. It's a fine line to walk b/c you want them to feel loved by both their parents but it's hard to explain how dad can love them but move out. You don't want to pretend it didn't happen or it doesn't hurt you or them. OF course it does. But it's not their job to comfort you; it's your job to comfort them and protect them. If you take the rap for the sep, it will backfire and if you blame him solely, it backfires worse, (trust me on that).In fact, bad mouthing a spouse when getting a div in this state is called "parental alienation" and can seriously hurt your chances of custody. It's just a bad idea really. But the M or the Div or the sep or whatever this becomes, is not about the kids and they need to hear that a lot.

A child psychologist I saw to get help for our d12, said to tell her that whatever choices I had to make, I'd make the ones that would lead most to HER happiness, as her happiness was my priority, and this was very reassuring to her. She wondered if we were moving again, losing the house, etc. So, if that helps, say it. Often...D12 told me 6 months later when we were up in Alaska for the year, which she agreed to, "YOU SAID MY HAPPINESS WAS THE PRIORITY" So I know she recalled it verbatim....boy they can really remember stuff like that and catch you a little off guard...(as in "No d12, I didn't mean you get everything you want for Christmas...not THAT kind of happiness...oops"....)

be there for the kids and your own pain will subside, as you make them and their issues your focus. Take the microscope off your loss. Too many lbs'ers keep staring at the hole that they forget to ever fill it --and they make sure their kids know it too... Life is short. I can honestly say I know now that I will be happy the rest of my life, (well, absent losing my kids to death or some other horrible things) but I have FAITH in LIFE and GOD and that does not guarantee my h will outlive me or never leave me or anything like that. It just means, I'm alright no matter what. This gives me peace. And it seems to attract my h. I know he was attracted to my confidence when we first met and he was one of many suitors I had (do they use that term anymore? I feel as if I sound Elizabethan...) and I guess he liked the hunt as most men do. What were you like when you first met your h? Was he the pursuer? Read the 5 Love Languages by Chapman when you get a chance. I know, you must have 10 books by your bed, right? (You do know not to show them to the kids or your h right?)

Forgiveness is a learned skill. I never saw it growing up. If your h didn't either, he may not know it's possible. You are not near doing it so don't bother telling him you did. You have not. It's a long process like pregnancy...you conceive it, and then it grows and one day it is born and you know it's done...make sense? Retrovaille was most helpful to me on this issue.
So, remember the brilliant words of a DB coach I had who said
Keep the road home paved and smooth. Don't throw stuff up at him when you want to have an adult conversation. There may be a time when he revises history so much that you can't let it slide but make sure it's dang important...
On another note, I met men (and was not intimate with any) & enjoyed the company. AND it greatly lessened my fear of being single again. I didn't want to stay m due to fears..But I learned something valuable....It confirmed that the things I liked in other men, are traits my h already has. So why on earth would I start over with another man when my h is the father of my children and has what I want? Plus ANY man over the age of 35 will have his own baggage that I'd have to deal with, and he'd have to get along with my kids, too etc... I came to this conclusion on my own and believe that h must have as well. It took us a good couple years to be sure of this. (Not saying I don't still have moments... )

But if you validate your h's reasons for leaving, and interrogate him and nag him to hurry up and wake up, or "how could you do this, etc?" you'll push him away. Conversely, if you sit around moping but making sure he knows you are wounded and not over him, AND OR are just waiting for him to "get it someday" and you'll wait forever and ever and be a doormat...he may well treat you like one. Most people will treat you as badly as they can get away with...sorry but it's true.

Give him the time and space to discover what I and my h discovered; we were good "catches" & good matches, and the grass is greener where it gets watered...and yada yada...don't hover. In fact, you need to wander off some yourself so you can see what life is like without him being the center of your universe. It's suffocating him really. Are you meeting new people? It is crucial to meet folks who don't all know "YOUR H LEFT YOU!" b/c that does not define you. Unless you let it. Don't be a victim.
So do you want to nag/cajole or be a doormat? Is there another way???
YES!! The other route...GAL & Detaching. There's a site around here somewhere on what detachment is. Maybe on faithfulH's thread? Or brandnewday's and anyhow, read it. Re-read it as much as you need to.
It is not complicated. It's simple. Hard, but simple.
good luck,
j