When she decided to move out in June, she did not give me an address. I did not find out she was living with OM until two weeks ago. This is script, right?
They both work at the same place full time. The OM's position does not pay well. Plus, he has two children with another woman. So, his paychecks are taking a hit due to child support. I have a reason to believe this person maybe selling drugs. The OM drives too nice of a car with the wages he earns. I know I am assuming, but I just have this feeling.
In my opinion, the OM reminds me of someone she dated when she was younger. The tattoed, drinking, drug using type.
As for new friends, that I don't know. Maybe she has met new ones now that she is with OM. I know she does not communicate with our current group of friends.
You are doing good...How did the offer on the house go? I hope it went well.
I see you are doing well with your boundaries, but I am concerned about the involvement of drugs and the possibility that your son may be in drug environment. If you think your wife is using and has shown signs of losing a lot of weight, I would gather that we aren't talking baby drugs either. I would suggest finding out if the guy is really dealing drugs and if so you may need to enforce a boundary. Children need to be protected and that is the parents responsibility. Your wife is looking out for only herself, so you know what has to be done if the situation is what you think.
Your friends-They are reminders too your wife of the life she is giving up...don't expect her to talk to them any time soon.
OM-Carefree and independent...not answerable to anybody. Don't worry about him other than exposing your son to a drug environment. The reality being that he will soon bore of your GF and move on to the next piece. She thinks he is the answer, but he is just a distraction from her own pain.
Listen to Amy...she will offer you invaluable insight into your wife's mind. Jack and Mach aren't too bad either.
One more time, this is not and was never about the OM. He was just there when she secretly decided she was not happy and began looking for a sympathic ear. The OP is often someone at work "that understands" and benefits from encouraging her new life. In MLC, it isn't someone who represents stability and a future, cause there usually isn't one. The MLCer rejects rules, controls, stability, logic ... you get the idea. They are self medicating their condiition with fun people - people with high lifestyles, often living from payday to payday and from party to party on credit.
Hey, she's 17 again. And from her view it is what she wants and deserves. It works for her. She was not ready to be a mom. Right now she has no interest in owning a home and paying bills or being a full time mom tied down with responsiby. What career? Simply, her journey to adulthood was never a clear path and she did not have the support she desired. That damaged her. Now she's seeking her way with no idea of a destination.
You, your old friends, your old plans are logical and judgemental reminders that she'll never be 17 again. A newly emerging inner voice is constantly screaming at her "it isn't fair" and "you deserve to be happy." Only she no longer finds happiness in what she used to. She never solved inner issues she repressed since development years.
That is what you couldn't change or avoid. Neither could she. Until she confronts and resolves those issues on her own terms they will continue to consume her and all in her path. It shows in her and she's probably a long way from bottom. There's darker days ahead as this life of new revelations unravels.
Love yourself and love your son. Be thankful for the journey that served you well up until now. Embrace the positives of staying on track with your life. You can't mediate between her and her demons for her.
You are correct, Was. It was never about the OM. He is a 36 year old man that has no career. I think she likes that since she makes more money than him. I know she likes being in control.
Last time I talked to her, she said she was happy. But her body language said otherwise.
You are letting a 3 year go with his mother to a place you suspect is, at the very least, a drug dealer's house?
When is your court date for the child support? Have you also filed for custody?
I wouldn't let my kid go anywhere that I had those suspicions about, with a woman who is clearly comin unwound.
That's your hard line stance - well...it would be mine if I were you.
Do you know OMs name? If so, your locality might have a court website where you can run a lite check on him. It's not foolproof but if the capability exists, you might glean something helpful from it.
No, HE is not the issue. But WHO he is and what kind of person he is, definitely is an issue.
F her, as Jack so eloquently says.
But do what you have to do to protect your son. He isn't even old enough to tell you what he's seeing and hearing when he is with her.
You're doing most things right and are leaps and bounds beyond people with your same amount of time in this mess. That said, you need to get yourself some hard information.
I would start gathering it soon.
Definitely before court.
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
Amy is absolutely correct here. Find out what you can.
The internet is a wonderful resource for getting background info on a person. You can find out if he has a criminal record through local court websites or you can pay a fee for one of the background check services on the net (helps if you want to check a wider range such as statewide as opposed to local).
If he does have a criminal record you can write to the arresting police department and get a copy of the actual police report. It's all covered by the Freedom of Information Act.
It should be obvious by now that I have had some experience in this area. In my case, OM #2 had a history of domestic violence. They were all against male members that he was living with but it showed a violent history.
When I confronted my wife with the info, I matter of factly told her that I would investigate anyone that would be involved with my kids. I kept it to being about safety for my kids which diffused any thought on her part about me being vindictive.
I have friends that work in the sheriff's dept. I already ran his name through the database. It came up clean.
I filed for sole custody and child support back in July when we thought she was alone. I decided to proceed with the case 3 weeks ago. So, she was served two weeks ago.
She called me a liar when I sent her the court papers. I guess she thought I was not going to file. But, I had to protect myself and my son.
She has less than 3 weeks to contest the case. If she does, then we have to go to court.
As for the drugs, I do not have any actual proof. I believe she has been using due to the rapid weight loss. and the hints she has been giving me.
I really feel like I am in a horrible spot. I need to protect my son. At the same time, without actual proof, I want my son's mother to continue to be part of his life.
You said his name came up clean but you mentioned him reminding you of "the tattoed, drinking, drug using type" that she used to date. So maybe he just hasn't gotten busted yet.
At any rate, I understand your wanting her to be a part of her son's life HOWEVER if she is not worthy of that role, no amount of wishing on your part will change that. She left her son. She needs to do the work to EARN the right to be in his life again. At the very least that means she takes a shower, eats a hamburger and straps the boy in a carseat. Do you understand?
The worst thing a LBS can do is shelter a walk-away from the consequences of his or her actions. So you're going to have to steel yourself to the repercussions of NOT sheltering her. That absolutely means that yes, you analyze the hell out of her when she comes to pick him up (does she look like she slept? Does she look like she gives a rats ass about her appearance? Is she lucid? Is she behaving like an ADULT?). If not, sorry babe, you ain't taking my son today. You can do that at this point so why not do it? If you are sincerely concerned for the reasons you have stated, nobody in their right mind would let the child get in the car absent a court order to do so.
Again, I know you want to encourage her relationship with her son. But I can not express strongly enough that THIS IS YOU DOING THE WORK FOR HER. And that means that at best, you are an enabler (takes one to know one). And at worst, you are in complete denial and therefore unwilling to take the necessary steps that will protect your child.
Think about it.
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
Thank you for not sugarcoating it. Once I found out about the OM, I have only allowed her to visit once.
Right now, all she cares about is herself. She has not had to deal with the consequences of her decision. Unfortunately, she will have to deal with them very soon now that I have filed for sole custody.
So, now I will continue to focus on myself and my son. We will be ok.
