Hope and heartache

[Coach]

I love the DBing concept, but sometimes it feels like you are sitting on your hands waiting for someone else to decide your life.

it's exactly the opposite of that. it's you deciding what you want out of your life.

[billclay18]

We've been splitting weekends and they stay at my house every Wednesday night. This week, for the second time since I moved into my apartment, she asked if I could take them Thursday as well so she could catch up at work. I don't have any special plans on Thursday so I said yes.

Because my job is flexible I'm the one who goes home every day to see the kids get off the bus. When the after-school sitter gets there I head back to work.

I added it up in my head. The girls will stay at my apartment over night at least 135 days a year -- including summer vacations -- and with the after-school stuff, I'll see them at least 280.

That's pretty good.

Yes it is, better than 50% of the time. Why have the custody agreement state otherwise?

We agreed early on that the girls would stay together and my W would be the primary home. Her self worth is really tied into the girls.

Too bad...the primary home should be the the home the kids spend the most time at.

She feels her job detracts from her ability to be a good mother. I could fight -- and people have told me I should -- for custody, but I feel that would be counterproductive. Fights like that cause long-term divisions and kids usually get caught in the middle.

Not necessarily. You already have a working arrangement with the kids. Why shouldn't the paperwork reflect that arrangement?

[ClingingToHope]

Yes it is, better than 50% of the time. Why have the custody agreement state otherwise?

I thought Illinois child support was cut-and-dried. If they live with her the majority of the nights then she gets 28 percent of my net income.

I'd love to not have to pay her so much, especially since she already earns more.

I just don't want to go the contested route and run up a big legal bill. That'll take three to five years to get out from under.

[billclay18]

You are not hearing me. Why not have them spend half the nights with you? You are spending all the time during the day, after school, etc. with them, then letting them spend most nights with her, thus shooting yourself in the foot. Too much back and forth with the kids. They should be on a flexible but regular schedule with each of you.

I understand your concern about the legal bills, but let me give you an eye opener:

My D cost me $14k. If I had agreed to what my exW wanted in custody and support, it would have cost me $134K in CS until my D11 was 18.

It was never about the money, I wanted to be as big a part of my D11's life as possible. If I was going to have my D11 half the time, why would I agree to pay the same amount in CS as if I didn't.

[ClingingToHope]

I don't know how to answer that. I don't want to spend $14K on a divorce. I also don't like paying the 28 percent since she also wants me to pay half of daycare, medical costs and summer camps even though she makes more.

I downloaded a free no fault divorce settlement to send to her. I guess I'll consult an attorney before sending it.

[billclay18]

I don't know how to answer that. I don't want to spend $14K on a divorce. I also don't like paying the 28 percent since she also wants me to pay half of daycare, medical costs and summer camps even though she makes more.

If you pay the 28%, that covers your responsibility for all those expenses.

I downloaded a free no fault divorce settlement to send to her. I guess I'll consult an attorney before sending it.

Definitely do that. It's unlikely you'll reach a fair, equitable agreement yourselves.

[awest1217]

I think just going and talking to an attorney to see what your options are is a great idea. When I went to the lawyer for IN, it is a no fault divorce state and so for me it stunk because H would pretty much get off scott free and I would look like a bad guy for filing. H would also get to see S even though he has shown no interest all summer long. Overall, going to just talk to a lawyer can clear up all your questions, and give you more of a clear concept on what you are able to get and since the lawyer is out to get what is best for you (and you for your daughters), it will be helpful for everyone.

[ClingingToHope]

Today I'm wavering -- or at least I was until W showed up 30 minutes late to pick up D7, who was home sick with a fever. I texted her I needed to be at work by noon. She showed up at 12:20.

If I'd done that, she would have tore into me. In a book, "The Power of Now," the author writes people a lot of time aren't actually in love with their spouse, they are addicted to being in a relationship.

I love my D10 and D7 with all my heart and know a D is going to forever alter and complicate their lives -- but this morning I was thinking that I don't so much miss my W, I miss having someone to talk to, watch a movie on the couch, go shopping with and plan Thanksgiving.

Those are all things my W and I rarely did in the past three years.

I have the info on basically doing a do-it-yourself divorce. I also received some info on a collaborative law divorce -- each of us hire attorneys trained in this but nothing is filed until we already have an agreement. Has anyone out there used this?

Of course, I may change my mind tomorrow. I've been extremely weak. BUT I am FINALLY ready to do LRT long term. I'm looking at the schedule and unless the kids get sick I shouldn't have to interact with W much at all until Halloween.

And then not again until around Thanksgiving and then not again until around Christmas. I may actually be able to tear the cord in the next three months.

[ClingingToHope]

The collaborative divorce approach is interesting. We'd each have to come up with a $1,500 or $2,000 retainer -- although up front costs are negotiable.

Then we'd have to sign an agreement that we would be open and honest about all of the finances and such and that we'll work together for a complete agreement.

The lawyer I talked to said it takes between four and eight sessions to cover and sign off on everything and then when it's done it's filed.

The key here is, unlike mediation, each side has an attorney looking out for their interests so one person doesn't feel they are getting bullied by the other side because of superior knowledge.

This will cover BillClay's issues of being too lenient. My W is going to end up owing me a big chunk of money -- I don't think she realizes this -- I'd definitely be willing to lower it for lower child support payments and more time with the kids.

Secondly, it puts the onus squarely on W's shoulders. This is what she wants. I'm offering to help her get there. If you love someone, set them free.

[billclay18]

This will cover BillClay's issues of being too lenient. My W is going to end up owing me a big chunk of money

Natural consequences of her decision.

I'd definitely be willing to lower it for lower child support payments and more time with the kids.

Win-win for you...time spent with your kids is priceless, but why pay more for that priviledge.

Secondly, it puts the onus squarely on W's shoulders. This is what she wants. I'm offering to help her get there. If you love someone, set them free.

Yep.