Who is this person?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Esox,

Hmmm... well, that's what our big fight was about. I am jealous of his running partner. A blond, cute twenty-something who he says is engaged. Here's the story that I didn't start off with:
Back in Jan. I met him at the finish of a marathon and he was desperate asking where is A? It put me off that he was so concerned for her. He said he just wanted to know how she did since they were running together. Then in March there was a corporate 5k and I met her. Very friendly has lots of friends. She was asking me if I was going with my H to the Marine Corp marathon... I thought stupid question, of course I would, I support him in all his marathons. This got me bothered and I told him I didn't like him running with her. At this time he joined FB and started adding lots of single women from his running group and said not many men he knows have FB. (BS)

In May before our fight I told him I'm very bothered about him running with a single woman and it's inappropriate. I saw on his FB that she said she'd met him in 5 after work which was new because he always ran in mornings before work. I got furious with him because he hid it from me... bad sign!! He said there's nothing going on and she's engaged. She has a photo of her BF on her profile. But his profile has the same photo. I know, Cheaters LIE. Well, I blew up and lost it. The fight was ugly. I posted on his FB that I hope he won't be running on Mother's Day to spend it with me and that p*ssed him off.

YES I BET IT DID P*SS HIM OFF....I have not finished reading your whole thread and can't right now. But I've gotten this far and am shocked that you'd post this to him on fb, publicly, after reading the DB books....this is a huge no no. Makes you look weak and petty and angry and SOOO NOT Detached. Sorry. I realize you were hurt and think he's cheating. Maybe he wants to or has.

But Do you see how you did nothing positive for yourself by posting this? IF anything, you made HER look preferable or at least made yourself look like someone he would not want to be around. OMG.....sorry but until you "get this", the mistakes will continue. There's hope in your sitch b/c he hasn't filed and he loves the kids (Listen to stronger and sandi, he KNOWS this hurts the kids and he KNOWS they miss him.) YOU don't ever ever need to remind him of that or how much they enjoy their time with him nor do you need to shut them up so as to walk on egg shells around him. Let his r's with the kids exist without anything from you except making them available to each other. Don't block contact but stop trying to fix this or make him see it or "remind" him of what's obvious...Will finish your thread later but honestly you already know enough to do this. The question is whether you will.

As my DB coach once said, "Don't force the WAS to face the consequences of their choices...LIFE does that for them, and it's not your job." Besides, it usually reads as punitive and it usually is.

I see lots of "Looking upbeat" but so much internal obsessing that it seems as if your GAL is all an act. "Fake it til you make it" DOES Help if you can't manage more but you will need to actually LIVE the new life to be happy. At some point it has to be real and only you can make that happen. Start imagining life without your H but in a good light. What can you picture that shows you as a happy woman in the future without him? Focus on that. Don't fear "losing your feelings" for him. Lose them, for now. He's the father of your children and love is a choice. If the time comes when he mans up to the job and wants back into the M, you will KNOW that he means it and you can then choose to love him again if he's the man for you. Til then, DETACH...I think your real fear is you'll see the selfishness he now is showing and that maybe this IS HIM....and maybe you never saw it before. Well if that's true, okay fine. Better to know now than spend your whole life pretending he's someone he's not and always disappointing you.

You read my post to Lost41 and most, if not all of it, applies to your sitch.
Back off. Don't force the "A" issue b/c you may discover something you don't want to . See if you can find my post to stuck about OP...this is already too long!
j-



He took me off as a friend and deleted my comment. The next day he moved out to my SIL's house and has been there ever since.

So you KNOW what does NOT work. So don't do anything like that again. He wants to be single right now and you are making it so easy. How? By pointing out the drag of family life and all the NEEDS the kids and you have that HE must meet. Instead, be having a ball. Let him realize (without you forcing him to, which you can't do anyhow) that HE is the one missing out. He's the one facing loss, NOT YOU...

He denies and swears to his mother and grandmother there is no OW and is offended (holy cow) that I doubt him. He is deeply offended the kids heard us fighting and he is humiliated. Ugh. I haven't proved there's OW, but the signs are there to me and incredibly he keeps denying it. I found on FB pictures of the weekend of the blow up of him with a different blond hugging her. He apologized and said it was inappropriate behavior. He was flirty and trying to get the attention of other women before this all happened and I called him on it. He said he said he just liked to see if he still "had it". Another bad sign.

I don't know if now almost 5 months later if there is now a OW. Don't feel like finding out. He says he's too busy with his own life to have anyone in it.

Drop it. Drop the whole issue. Unless you KNOW for certain that an OW would mandatorily end your m b/c of how you feel about it, stop snooping and no matter what, stop harping on it. If you discover an A, then deal with it. Right now you are simply harping on something you can;t prove and he denies. Who do you think he feels is wrong? Trust me on this, no matter what, he thinks YOU are the wrong party. In his mind, he moved out so he's a tad free AND he denies an A and you can't prove one so you are "wrong" in his eyes and you only fuel his desire to flee. Stop the R talk --OMG and "A" talk is R talk designed for what? Do you really truly want him to say "Yes I love OW" or "YES there IS OW but I don't know how I feel except now that it is all out in the open and the world knows I have to make myself RIGHT by leaving you. B/C if I return to you now, after the world and you know about OW, then it means I was wrong and they'll all know. The fewer people who think he's having an A, the easier it is for HIM to figure out what he wants and to imagine a M with you. If you throw this in his face without any proof why on earth would he imagine a happy m to you in the future?


So guess I needed to get out this other info on my situation. I'm pretty disgusted with it all. I hate this flirty man he's turned into and doesn't think he's playing with fire running with single women. I was and still am bothered by his attachment to his running partner.

Don't know what to do about this.

GAL, that's what. You are under the illusion that you have some control here and you don't. ALL you control is how you behave. If you are a shrew around him, you may as well shove him into her arms. Instead, be the mother of his children, an attractive great catch, a trophy wife who listens to her h like a lover and validates him BUT who is self respecting enough that she's not a doormat...what were you like when you dated? What's your R with his family? Don't slime him to them. Do not.
Plus it hurts you in custody arrangements and your mil does not want to lose contact with those kids so don't make this harder than it already is.
You have the info you need. Do you have the willpower?
(( j ))