Stay strong e. This is a really rough time, but just know that you will make it through.
I found it both surprising, and helpful, to realize just how many people have or are going through just what you are going through. If you are like me, you are probably shocked and ashamed and feel like suddenly you are different from everyone - like your life is a lie.
I started opening up to a few friends, and was really surprised to find out how many of them either had gone through or were going through just this situation. Some had been the LBS. Some had been the WAS and were now contritely trying to work their way back into the R.
You are not alone.
You'll handle it.
Yep -- this. ^
There are lots of folks here -- and elsewhere -- for you, E. Lots. And although it sounds trite, it WILL (and does) get better. Today is the worst day -- by triple.
I just went to my doctor & she prescribed some anti-depression & anti-anxiety meds for me. I can't go on not eating or sleeping & not being able to concentrate at work. She also gave me some sleeping pills. I so desperately need a good night's sleep. God, I wish we had a spare bed so I wouldn't have to sleep in the same bed as that woman. Bad back or no bad back, I might just sleep on the couch or on our air mattress...although she sould be the one doing it.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
slow down. slow down. I have been where you are and still am sometimes. I am six months into this mess. I sleep on the couch. It is better for me as well. I do take some antianxiety medication and a little ambien at night. It helps with the not thinking about it as much when you go to sleep. Not being in the same bed with my wife also helps me with the sleep.
The emotion comes on like a wave. It hits you in the gut, you can't concentrate at work. You are moody at home, can't "be there" with your kids. It sucks. But in a few more months it will get better.
I thought about gps, private investigator, everything. You know what, I can't control her actions. If she is going to do it, then she will. I can't stop it anyway. Not checking the phone records, emails, facebook helped with my transition. Actually on Sunday, my wife actually said she is cancelling retrouville(marriage encounter weekend) and she wants a divorce. I cried alot on sunday, some on monday. It is thursday now and I actually feel better. No more pressure on acting a certain way, saying things a certain way. It has been like a cloud has been lifted for me. I am more relaxed. Made an appointment with an attorney. The opposite has actually happened to her. She is more irritable, not happy, etc..
Not sure what will happen one way or the other, but that detachment part took a giant step forward for me.
Easier for me to say for me right now. You still are in the begining. You will just have to go through the stages. Find some good friends that don't mind listening to you talk about things...
I workout everyday. Doing fun things with my sons. Whatever you can do to get your mind off it for a little while.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Until such time that you CAN settle down, and get yourself on more of an even-keel emotionally (and this is NOT a knock, E -- just an observation), I do NOT think you're ready to see/hear any of this.
You have enough evidence already anyway -- just go on, as someone else suggested above, operating under the assumption that she IS having a full-blown PA with the guy, and plan accordingly.
Once you settle down more, and the meds kick in (mine took about 2 weeks), we can consider it some more. If your state is a "fault" state, where infidelity can be used as grounds for a potential legal action, then there's some merit in having some more iron-clad proof. But if it's a "no-fault" state, and your atty tells you that it really makes no difference in either alimony or custody, then it may not be worth the blow you're going to take emotionally to see/hear all of it.
Just get with a good atty for now, preferably a good family law attorney who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues, and find out what your options and rights, etc. are. Most people find it very comforting to be briefed on that stuff. I know I did.
You are doing the right thing. Take care of you. Eating, sleeping, exercise, good grooming and hygiene, Interacting with other people. Focus on areas that are NOT in turmoil. Is your job important? Dive into that. I dove into my kids lives. Best thing I did to take my mind off of the M.
Oh ya, Sleep in your own bed and lock the door!
For every action, there will be a reaction. Do not take her reaction personally.....She is making her choices, you are making your choices.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Until such time that you CAN settle down, and get yourself on more of an even-keel emotionally (and this is NOT a knock, E -- just an observation), I do NOT think you're ready to see/hear any of this.
You have enough evidence already anyway -- just go on, as someone else suggested above, operating under the assumption that she IS having a full-blown PA with the guy, and plan accordingly.
Once you settle down more, and the meds kick in (mine took about 2 weeks), we can consider it some more. If your state is a "fault" state, where infidelity can be used as grounds for a potential legal action, then there's some merit in having some more iron-clad proof. But if it's a "no-fault" state, and your atty tells you that it really makes no difference in either alimony or custody, then it may not be worth the blow you're going to take emotionally to see/hear all of it.
Just get with a good atty for now, preferably a good family law attorney who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues, and find out what your options and rights, etc. are. Most people find it very comforting to be briefed on that stuff. I know I did.
Puppy
I'm in a no fault state. I did speak w/ one atty who said affairs only come into play w/ alimony...if we can't agree & it goes all the way to the "master"...whatever that is. I have an appt with another atty on Monday.
Last edited by etrain; 10/08/0909:03 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I know some of you suggested not to but I got a keylogger....and got a copy of our most recent cell phone bill. Statement end date was 9/4 & calls to the OM didn't start until 9/3. So I really need to get my hands on the NEXT bill to see how things progressed.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I know some of you suggested not to but I got a keylogger....and got a copy of our most recent cell phone bill. Statement end date was 9/4 & calls to the OM didn't start until 9/3. So I really need to get my hands on the NEXT bill to see how things progressed.
