My main point was that validate is not agree. You are not responsible for how that's interpreted by your spouse.
Absolutely correct - I agree 100% with this.
LW, I'm sorry you are in a sitch where no matter what you say, when you say it, or how you say it, it will be used against you in some way. Hang in there LW and keep making the effort to talk with your kids on a regular basis.
Okay -validate does not mean agree. I was confused a bit over that. I think early on I agreed too much, rather than validated.
Well, tonight I was talking to my son, and he went to see if our oldest daughter wanted to talk. Somewhere during that, the phone on his end got hung up. I tried calling back several times and even left one message, but here it is an hour later, and no one's answering the phone.
I also swear that someone was listening into the phone conversation - there was some breathing that didn't sound like it came from either one of us. But I'm not sure.
Her parents are evil.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
Keep being consistent in your attempts to contact your kids. Document, document, document. I have a feeling you are going to need every bit of proof you can provide to show you were ACTIVELY trying to keep in touch with your kids.
She just sent me an e-mail upon finding out I filed for conciliation/mediation. Keep in mind, conciliation is not about saving the marriage - this is a no-fault divorce state. Instead, its about helping both of us settle amicably if at all possible. (for example, that phone call that ended early on Tuesday - well, she admitted to listening in and ending the call because I talked about something "inappropriate" with my oldest son - apparently I can't ask him how his siblings are doing. I'm only allowed to talk about him. So he didn't accidentally hang up me - she deliberately cut it short. She refuses to communicate at all and will not let me know what she wants or is doing.
So, here is latest e-mail (slightly edited to hide confidential details):
Quote:
I found out today that you have filed for conciliation services. This will not change my mind, I still plan to get a divorce, and I really wish that you would stop harassing me by trying to force me in to counseling. I was hoping that for the sake of the kids and for the cost of the thing that we could settle this amicably, but the choice is yours.
I AM DIVORCING YOU. I AM DIVORCING YOU. I AM DIVORCING YOU. I AM DIVORCING YOU. I AM DIVORCING YOU. I AM DIVORCING YOU. DO YOU GET IT YET?
Frankly, that's pure self-deception and anger on her part. The counseling is so we can settle amicably if we have to. Since she refuses to communicate with me, yet keeps cutting off my access to the kids and spending my money without letting me know in advance - well, whatever. The above e-mail sounds more like her mother than her. She's clearly under her parent's power.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
Well, managed to talk to three of the kids last night (the oldest daughter won't talk on the phone for who knows why). My son was very cranky at first, but calmed down. However, at the end, I heard him yelling at mom: "You never let me finish talking to dad!" No doubt this will mean that it's my fault the calls "distress" him.
Odd, though. Her parents were out of town last night. Interesting how everytime I can't get ahold of the kids or get blocked or cut off really early, her parents are around - but when they are gone, I get at least an hour on the phone with them.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
She just e-mailed me, telling me I had to limit my conversation on Sundays to 30 minutes.
I'm not responding. I will talk to my kids, but until the mediation session is scheduled or some dire emergency happens, I am not responding to or contacting her.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
Well, that e-mail I started this thread off with? Guess what I just found out?
It was written by her father - and she just made a few small changes (the last sentence is hers).
Basically, she's turned into a puppet of her parents.
And now, at their encouragement, she's going to file a restraining order against me - even though there's no chance I can afford to fly down there to see the kids anytime soon. In order to get one, she's going to have to lie - there's no abuse, but I'm sure at her parent's encouragement, she;ll invent some.
I finally paid the lawyer the retainer. Well - bye, by to all my progress on paying down the debt this summer/
How did you find out this information? I have been following you the whole time and hate to see your situation. It is hard enough to go down this path dealing with a WAS, never mind outside influence like you are encountering.
I am unversed in restraining orders, but how is she going to get one? You leave...what...2000 miles away. Or is this an attempt by her parents to stop you from talking with your children? This is just a sick situation....sorry to see it happening to a good guy.
