Detachment

[Coach]

This is it:

I didn't try to compete with OM. I had no intention of lowering myself to that. As far as I was concerned, I treated my marriage like it was already over, and started working on ME. Going to the gym, joined a softball team, going to friday happy hours with my buds that I had neglected. Reconnecting with my parents and my siblings and my God.

If you've ever followed SmileyPerson's thread, it's what he calls "acting like you're already dead," I think a reference from either Saving Private Ryan or Band of Brothers, I"m not sure which.

I had to realize (and it took a month to six weeks) that I CANNOT CONTROL MY SPOUSE. Then I also realized one day that I DIDN'T WANT TO. She is an adult, and she will do what she will do, and all I can do is establish my own boundaries, learn to enforce them, and become the best Puppy that I can be.

I also learned to -- in every situation -- STOP acting from a position of: "If I do (or say) this, how will she react? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?" ... and instead, operate from a standpoint of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that GOD HIMSELF would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"

Once I learned to do that, and learned to withstand my wife's blowback and anger ... and still stand ... it was very, VERY liberating.

So what I did was work on me. I treated her civilly -- like a co-worker, or a roommate. I was considerate, and polite, and friend-LY, but I was NOT her friend, much less her BEST friend (which we had always been). I lived my life, and I let her know what I would and would not tolerate (like no texting OM in front of me or our kids, for instance). And I moved on down the path.

At first, I'd keep looking over my shoulder, to see if she was following me. But eventually, I'd only stop every mile or so to peek, and then pretty soon I was just walking alone. Still praying for her -- and US -- every day, but walking down my own path, and shining a light back toward our marriage.

I think the mistake most people make in DBing is that they tend to be either one extreme or another. Either they're scorched-earth, kick 'em-to-the-curb, treat them angrily, -- or -- they are total doormats, trying to "win them back" by rubbing their feet, and being their best friend, and supplicating.

Neither works, in my opinion.

You have to walk THE MIDDLE ROAD, of loving detachment, of strong boundaries and courteous strength and character. At first, it didn't feel natural, so it was like a character, or a "coat" that I'd put on. But eventually, it became my own skin.

We can help you with that.

Puppy
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