What you are saying sounds something like this: my wife doesn't want to have sex with me, yet she had a wild sexual affair with someone else, and supposedly it is over, but I'm not positive its over actually, and even though she claims to want to stay married to me, she still doesn't want to have sex with me...what do I do?
First of all, please understand how this makes you sound, for lack of a better word, weak in your position. Why on earth are you not outraged? Why are you (only going from your one or two posts here) just calmly accepting what your wife has put you through? I am asking this very tough line of questioning because your answer is likely part of the problem.
When I was married, I had affairs. My husband never really put his foot down, never really showed me any backbone, never really made me face true consequences. Now maybe you would think I would feel I had been given a break because he is so decent and forgiving? But no. In reality, he was just too weak in his position in our marriage to do anything about it. He was too afraid to lose the marriage to actually stand up for HIMSELF and his right to be treated with respect. And this is key: he was too afraid to lose the MARRIAGE, not necessarily lose me. I am pointing this out to show you, its not that he actually even loved me that much. He just didn't want to be divorced (again, I was his second wife). So he didn't want to rock the boat or do anything that would end us up in divorce court.
But guess what?
We ARE divorced. And the sad thing is, I think if he had handled my affairs differently, by showing me he had self-respect and that he wouldn't tolerate my behavior, we might have actually remained married.
My guess is that your wife cannot find her attraction to you, because you have supplicated all of your need for respect, especially now where it seems she is possibly STILL having an affair and you are sitting back and just hoping she isn't, but not actually demanding that she isn't. You are showing her that she doesn't have to respect you on any level, and therefore, she doesn't.
Perhaps I have misread everything you wrote and perhaps you are handling things in a much stronger way than it seems. If that is the case, then I apologize. But if I am even a little bit close to the reality in my assessment, then I can offer you this: your marriage and sex life won't get any better until you can effectively cause your wife to respect you.
