I know in my heart it's the right thing to do no matter how much it hurts.
Honestly, I don't have a game plan of what to do or say if he's not gone by this weekend. I know he's been playing me all along so it will be no surprise if he does it again. He is the master of manipulation. You'd think I would have anticipated him not leaving but I have not. I think part of me is still in shock that it has gotten to this point. That mixed with denial is why I am now perplexed!
Ashlee,
This stuff IS difficult -- probably the most difficult (and also counter-intuitive) -- thing you will have ever had to do.
But it should NOT be "perplexing."
In fact, this "script" that we often talk about, can be used to your advantage. In fact, I can help you predict just about everything he's going to do, before he does it. Between me (who knows affairs, and their "scripts") and you (who knows your husband better than anyone on the planet besides himself), don't you think it's very reasonable for us to think we can predict NOW what he will try to do, or what he'll try to NOT to?
I was told this by a parenting seminar guy once, but it applies to wayward marriages, too: the mistakes we make (as parents/LBSs) is that we don't anticipate what our (child/cheating spouse) is likely to do or say, and to PLAN AHEAD OF TIME how we are going to handle it. Instead, we get caught up in the anger of the moment, and we REACT -- usually, poorly, and unproductively.
In fact, not to swing a 2x4 at you, but you've been very reactionary, haven't you?
Well, resolve that that's going to start changing, RIGHT NOW. If you have to, write it out, and rehearse it out loud when you're alone. Write out the script as if it were a play, and you are the playwrite, and write down what your husband is going to say and do, and then practice what YOU are going to say or do to respond to him.
Calmly. Forcefully. With conviction, and great eye contact.
Ashlee, I'm a salesman by trade, and I'm pretty damned good at it, and I'm also very social and not at ALL shy. But when it comes to confrontations, I SUCK AT IT, and this really helped me when I had to do my initial confrontation -- and then my RE-confrontation -- of my wife.
And, if I may be so bold . . . I NAILED THAT SUCKA!!!
Make TODAY the day you STOP REACTING to him, and HIS agenda. Cuz guess what? HE (and his girlfriend) do NOT have your marriage's -- or your family's -- best interests at heart right now. So why would you let someone who doesn't have its best interests at heart, dictate the rules and timeline?
YOU need to do that. You won't be able to control ALL of it, but you CAN begin to exert some influence, using your husband's own predictability to your advantage.
I'm going to take a trip to see Lianne next week and weekend. I need some time to clear my head. I can barely see straight with everything going on. I'll be staying at (friend's) house starting tonight also.
I have not responded. I am flipping out. I guess I should have seen him going away...he asked the other night if I thought him going away by himself was a good idea. Lianne is his sister, the one who already told him (during the funeral time) that he deserves to be happy too. She's also the one who told my son I hate her. She's in her 40s, never married, lesbian and has no concept of what a marriage and family mean. But either way I don't think he's going there.
I'm trying to remain calm, as best I can. I have a friend looking into finding a good lawyer for me.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I'm going to take a trip to see Lianne next week and weekend. I need some time to clear my head. I can barely see straight with everything going on. I'll be staying at (friend's) house starting tonight also.
I have not responded. I am flipping out. I guess I should have seen him going away...he asked the other night if I thought him going away by himself was a good idea.
So, as I stated in my post to you yesterday (which you never responded to), entirely predictable. So what had you planned as your response to it, and if it WAS entirely predictable, why are you "flipping out" and still being reactive???
He's doing this to push you off balance and get his power back. He's calling your bluff with no intentions of staying away. He will return, telling you he wants to work on the M (like how many times before has he done this???), and return to the status quo.
I agree: pack up his stuff and set it on the porch.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
So, as I stated in my post to you yesterday (which you never responded to), entirely predictable. So what had you planned as your response to it, and if it WAS entirely predictable, why are you "flipping out" and still being reactive???
What I have been thinking about was what I was going to do if he didn't leave.
Perhaps I should have predicted it but in reality the demands of his job and the responsiblities he is supposed to have with S I did not see it.
As far as flipping out...it hurts. Even him leaving hurts. I knew it would. I do react to what happens...I prepare as much as I can ahead of time but when it happens it still hurts.
I am probably not explaining myself fully and at the moment I just don't have the words. I knew H would see a separation as a green light to see OW. Knowing that and even trying to prepare for it only goes so far. It does not stop the blow I feel when it actually happens. And when I find out he sleeps with her, I will flip out again and I know it will hurt worse than anything in the world. I can prepare as much as possible mentally and emotionally but it'll still hurt like hell.
I think it somewhat unfair to say I am being reactive. Maybe I'm not totally understanding you and not making myself clear but understand I am a woman and we are more emotional and senstive then men. We can prepare for something til the sun comes down but it doesn't mean it still won't hit us like a ton of bricks.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
You're misunderstanding me. I'm not questioning the hurt. I'm imploring you to stop REACTING to it, and instead plan ahead of time what you're going to say and how you're going to say it.
I HURT LIKE HELL when I went thru my sitch. I just developed the self-discipline to stop REACTING from the hurt, and instead learned to EXECUTE MY PLAN.
Yeah, at 2 in the morning? alone in my bathroom, with the fan on and my face buried in a towel to muffle my sobs? I bawled my eyes out. But in front of my wife? Nuh-uh, and it's not how I made my decisions.
While it's true that any one (or even two, or three) conversations (reactions), no matter how badly executed, can screw up your DB efforts permanently, it is also true that you can't just simply keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again.
I"m not trying to be mean -- I'm trying to help you, and I'm only describing what I've been seeing.
He's doing this to push you off balance and get his power back. He's calling your bluff with no intentions of staying away. He will return, telling you he wants to work on the M (like how many times before has he done this???), and return to the status quo.
I agree: pack up his stuff and set it on the porch.
SD
I'm not going to let him see me off balance. No way in hell. I wasn't bluffing when I told him to leave so if he thinks he can saunter right back home he's got another thing coming. It will not go back to the way it was. Once he's out the only way I'm letting him back is after I know he's serious about working on the M. And that won't be from him flapping his jaw...it'll be his actions.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
