Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[givingitmyall]

Ashlee,

I am watching your thread. Just not much for me to post about.

Just wanted you to know I was here.

I will (continue to) pray for you.

[Faith2010]

I've had a couple of talks with H. Last night I told him I was done, he needed to leave. He actually looked surprised.

When all was said and done H said he's going to end it with OW. Do I believe him? No.

Didn't see H all day today...he's at work. Will see him briefly in the morning then S and I go out of town. We'll probably return on Sunday so won't see H til Monday.

Part of me wonders if he'll leave tomorrow while we're away.

I feel H crushed my heart over the past few weeks. Before I felt I could forgive him and move on...start to rebuild our M. Now I'm not so sure. It's going to be a lot harder. I've lost all trust and most respect for him. He no longer looks appealing.

[Gardener]

I feel H crushed my heart over the past few weeks. Before I felt I could forgive him and move on...start to rebuild our M. Now I'm not so sure. It's going to be a lot harder. I've lost all trust and most respect for him. He no longer looks appealing.

Sorry, Ash. You worked so hard at it.
It'll take time to forgive, but when you're ready remember that,

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

Lewes B. Smedes, as quoted in The Walk Out Woman by Stephens and Gray.

[givingitmyall]

Hey Ash.

Sorry about this. Gardener is right. You have worked very hard. Take seom time off from that and think through what you want. Just base that decision on reason, not emotion. Not telling you what to decide, just how to reach the right decision for you.

[PainfulDusk]

((ashlee))

Wanted to drop by and give you my support. Your H sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Good for you for setting boundaries. As long as you stick to them .

Forgiving takes time. Trust needs to be earned. You are not obligated to do either one.

Focus on you and your S.

Dusk

[Faith2010]

After session with IC yesterday, had a talk with H last night. Explained to H I need access to the phone bill to ensure there is no contact with OW. H refused. I told H I did not trust him and I know of no other way to rebuild trust unless I know contact has stopped. H said he doesn't trust me either and I shouldn't "check up" on him. H has not removed OW from FB, e-mail etc... and said "it's no big deal".

I also explained to H there are to be no secrets in our M and it would have to go back to the way it was in that respect (access to each other's phones, e-mails etc...) Told H I would not compromise on that. Told H I am tired of being disrepected and will no longer tolerate it.

It is so frustrating to talk to H because he is so unreasonable. He has an excuse for everything and tries to turn things around on me. It's lie after lie.

Again, I told him he needed to leave if he can not be open with me with respect to OW etc... I told him he can have until this weekend to find somewhere to go.

I feel I have no other choice. I can not live with the man I married, who is supposed to be my husband and love me, when he continues to be dishonest and cheats. What kind of example is that for my son?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ashlee,

Good for you for finally taking a stand. You're doing the right thing, and exactly for the reason you state at the end of your post!

I would NOT anticipate your husband will take your ultimatum seriously, just based on your past experience with him. You should plan out ahead of time what you are going to do when he violates your boundaries, because I fully expect him to.

Puppy

[mishka422]

You should plan out ahead of time what you are going to do when he violates your boundaries, because I fully expect him to.

I agree wholeheartedly!

What will your action be when he doesn't leave this weekend as you have told him to?

Pack his clothes into boxes and sit them outside the front door. Unhook garage door opener, lock all doors preferably with bolts he can't open.

Show him you mean what you say. He's like a wayward child. If you don't follow through on what you say then he'll never take you seriously. He's walking on you, your boundaries, your feelings and expects you to just suck it up.

I like the stand you are taking, you HAVE to follow through though!!!!

[Faith2010]

Thank you for the support Puppy.

I know in my heart it's the right thing to do no matter how much it hurts.

Honestly, I don't have a game plan of what to do or say if he's not gone by this weekend. I know he's been playing me all along so it will be no surprise if he does it again. He is the master of manipulation. You'd think I would have anticipated him not leaving but I have not. I think part of me is still in shock that it has gotten to this point. That mixed with denial is why I am now perplexed!

[Faith2010]

Pack his clothes into boxes and sit them outside the front door. Unhook garage door opener, lock all doors preferably with bolts he can't open.

Thank you for the ideas Mishka because as you see from my last post, I haven't even contemplated him not leaving!