Okay, so do I contact the OM or the OM's wife? I want to expose this A because I honestly can not remain married to my W if this is going on behind my back.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I guess we both do. We're on the same cell phone account...family plan...and it's paid out of our joint checking account. Just happens to be under her name since we used her employer's discount.
Do you think it's right to use your family's funds on a phone that she uses to conduct her affair?
I suggest you cut hers off, and let her know why you did ("I will no longer use our family's money to help finance your afffair.")
It's enabling. Are there any other ways she is squandering marital assets? Gifts for OM? Clothing? Jewelry? Cosmetic surgery? Other? (EDITED to a add: Dinner @ romantic restaurant??)
Okay, so do I contact the OM or the OM's wife? I want to expose this A because I honestly can not remain married to my W if this is going on behind my back.
YES -- expose to his wife; she deserves to know. But if you talk directly to him, it:
- will elevate his status. Think "the President of the US negotiating directly with some rag-tag terrorist." He's not worth it.
- will make you look WEAK in your wife's and OM's eyes, believe it or not. In fact, they will probably have a good LAUGH at your conversation with him, as he'll try to puff himself up to your wife;
- will yield NO useful information.
On that last point, think of it this way: this man, by definition, is a PREDATOR. And ALL CHEATERS LIE -- period. So what information could he possibly give you that would be useful? At best, he's going to lie to you, and at worst, he's going to tell you something that you're going to TRY to believe, and it will be nothing but smoke and obfuscation.
And I haven't even touched upon the whole subject of "do you think you could remain calm and control yourself in such a confrontation?" Even if you DO, I have heard of OM/OW calling the police and trying to make it look like you're harrassing them, and turning everything against YOU.
Nope -- nothing good from contacting OM. If you want to confront someone, confront your WIFE, and expose to the other man's wife.
I guess we both do. We're on the same cell phone account...family plan...and it's paid out of our joint checking account. Just happens to be under her name since we used her employer's discount.
Do you think it's right to use your family's funds on a phone that she uses to conduct her affair?
I suggest you cut hers off, and let her know why you did ("I will no longer use our family's money to help finance your afffair.")
It's enabling. Are there any other ways she is squandering marital assets? Gifts for OM? Clothing? Jewelry? Cosmetic surgery? Other?
Puppy
Nothing that I've seen...and I've been checking our bank accounts closely. W actually has a decent job so the impact of cutting her off financially wouldn't be as much as in some M's.
I can't cut off her cell phone. She's the main account holder & writes out the bills. I don't even have access to see our phone usage because it's all under her name & she has the billing code. So right now, she can look at our phone usage but I can't. I can't even look at my own, which is ridiculous.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
After successfully detaching/GAL'ing last night, I regressed bigtime this morning. When my W woke up sick to her stomach & vomiting...just like last time she went out "w/ coworkers", something just didn't feel right. While she was in the shower, I decided to check her car.
I found condoms hidden in the glove compartment.
I HAD to confront her...and I did.
I tried to approach it like you guys suggested...stopped her when she started to lie & told her it's disrespectful & I deserve the truth. I said I deserve the truth so I can have the info I need to go on w/ my life.
At first she "had no idea" how the condoms got there. C'mon, I'm not an idiot. It was like pulling teeth but she eventually admitted to an EA...says it's been going on for "a couple weeks". She's attracted to the OM and considered making it a PA...that's why she had the condoms. Said she just couldn't do that to me & it never got physical.
As I think you probably already know, E, she's lying. It's highly likely that they've already had sex, perhaps as recently as last nite. Was the box of condoms still full, or were there any missing?
I say this not to shock you, but to try to get you to realize early on the physical possibility, to come to grips with it, and deal with it accordingly. I know it feels like a cannonball shot right to your chest (because I've been there), but really, if you ask a woman, they will tell you that ONLY A DUMB-ASS MALE would ever say "it's 'only' an emotional affair." To a woman, the EA is MUCH worse than a PA when they find out their husband has been cheating on them. Us men put a premium on the physical, but to her, the romantic, emotional attachment is the more meaningful thing.
So what I'm saying is, it really doesn't make a difference, so you might as well come to grips with the idea now that it has probably happened, and stop making that distinction.
This is why I try to get LBSs to use protection if they decide to continue to ML to their wayward spouses.
Today is going to suck for you, and I'm sure you're reeling. MEDS DEFINITELY HELP -- have you talked to your doctor about anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds? Mine gave me two -- one for long-term "evening out" (and those do take 2-3 weeks to start to take effect, so if you're going to go this route, the sooner you get on them, the better), and one for immediate anxiety/panic attacks. The latter -- although I only had to use them three or four times -- were DEFINITELY a huge help on days like you're going to have today.
It also helps to be around family or a close male friend. DON'T DO ANYTHING TODAY -- give it 24, 48 or even 72 hours. Your wife is going to be all over you today, demanding to know "what you intend to do" about this new "suspicion" you have.
She doesn't deserve an answer; you need to make this decision on YOUR timetable, and you can feel free to tell her that. Say "I'm not sure what I'm going to do; I have some decisions to make." Let her know -- and feel -- that this is NOT her decision to make; that you can't control her, or stop her from having an affair, but you CAN do what's best for YOU and your family, and you have your own decisions to make.
Hang in there -- I'll try to check in on you today.
I can't cut off her cell phone. She's the main account holder & writes out the bills. I don't even have access to see our phone usage because it's all under her name & she has the billing code. So right now, she can look at our phone usage but I can't. I can't even look at my own, which is ridiculous.
OK, fair enough. There'll be time to re-visit this in a few days, or even next week. For now, just let me ask you this:
Are your family's financial needs being met, or are any bills going unpaid?
When we address this, just know that we'll be doing it for YOU, and your self-respect, more than we'll be doing it for any tactical reasons. Because even if you could cut it off -- like I did with my wife -- she'll have her own line back up and running within two or three hours, as a cheater's cellphone is like their crack pipe. But YOU begin to feel better as you know you're no longer allowing your family's finances to be used to enable her affair.
As I think you probably already know, E, she's lying. It's highly likely that they've already had sex, perhaps as recently as last nite. Was the box of condoms still full, or were there any missing?
There were 3 loose condoms hidden in the difibrillator kit in her glove compartment. (W is CPR trained) I didn't find the actual box so I don't know if any were used.
Last edited by etrain; 10/08/0903:04 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
As I think you probably already know, E, she's lying. It's highly likely that they've already had sex, perhaps as recently as last nite. Was the box of condoms still full, or were there any missing?
There were 3 loose condoms hidden in the difibrillator kit in her glove compartment. (W is CPR trained) I didn't find the actual box so I don't know if any were used.
