Learn to do for you....do what you need to do to become content and whole w/yourself. If you've made mistakes in the marriage, take a long, hard look at them and work on them. This is the time that the man upstairs has set aside for you to have your own journey and rediscover the person you once were.
If divorcing your wife is the only way to protect your assets and finances, by all means...but, think long and hard about what you are planning to do. However, if you are divorcing your wife in the hope's of snapping her out of her funk...you can forget that....they will take the road of least resistance and leave us in the dust.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm curious by your reply - "IF YOU FORCE YOUR WIFE INTO A CORNER IT WILL BE THE WORST MISTAKE YOU WILL MAKE" and "yes it will backfire big time"
What do you foresee that can happen? Today, I have no marriage anyway because she is not actively engaging in it. She is like a stranger to me in my house now.
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-2009
if you are divorcing your wife in the hope's of snapping her out of her funk...you can forget that....they will take the road of least resistance and leave us in the dust
that is what you will get, a divorce. I know what that feeling is like. here you sit M to someone who is openly having an affair. It kills you at the very core of your soul.
we think the d will bring closure and end the pain. nope. the WAS reasons the marriage dead years ago(in fact you will that figure change b'fore your eyes) so they are doing no wrong. they have strange ways of compartmentalizing these parts of their lives. and they would like someone else to do the dirty deed for them
If you have any thought of restoring your M, backing her into a corner will not work. short of moving on and GAL, anything else prolongs the crisis.
Snodderly and BND are 2 of the wisest people we have. My M got restored becuse of me following BND's guidance
Last edited by a new 2moro; 10/07/0912:28 PM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
So to summarize, your advice is to sit and wait it out (if I can). Just do nothing and let the EA/PA burn itself out because the EA/PA lasts on average about 6 months. Emotionally detach so that I don't get all worked up.
If I force her hand and push her into divorce, then I will have one guaranteed. Whereas if I sit a wait, there is a good chance that the EA/PA will fail, and then we can hopefully move on from there, without a divorce.
BTW, my W has been in her MLC since 2004, but only worked up enough courage to find her OM only 10 wks ago. So I've been living with her MLC for a while now. Her threats of divorce have been going on since 2004 but now her threats have teeth because she has an escape plan (the OM).
Thanks for your advice.
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-2009
What are you doing for yourself? I may have missed something, but I didn't see any reference to GAL'ing or 180's. You also noted that you lean towards co-dependency....so GAL'ing is that much bigger for YOU. It appears that you are trying to find a route to save your marriage, but the first step is actually about regaining yourself.
As far as your original question...there are different options for you to follow. What I have found is that we don't really choose the path, the path chooses us. We may change paths through out the situation depending on our boundaries, but in the end the only path we truly have control over is taking care of and improving ourselves.
Today, I have no marriage anyway because she is not actively engaging in it. She is like a stranger to me in my house now.
Welcome to the world of MLC. It's not called a roller coaster for nothing! It is all about her right now- what she wants, what she feels. She will do an amazing amount of rationalizing to justify what she wants and feels. If you are gauging whether or not your M can be saved by what she is saying/doing NOW, you are on the sure road to D. What she says & does NOW may have no relation to what she says & does 6 months from now. As has been said here before "believe none of what she says, and only half of what she does".
The best thing you can do is detach, work on yourself, and let her life go as it will. YOU need to be the best person you can be for YOU. That person will be very healthy and attractive- she may come back, she may not. In any case, you will be a better person for it....
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Your wife's MLC may have begun in 2004, but I think she was in the "leading up phase" and not the actual crisis itself. They spend a few years thinking about it, or should I say, they begin to doubt themselves, they become disenchanted w/life and then something will set the trigger in motion. Your wife's crisis mostly like took off in the last 18 months. What happened in her life?
If you can sit patiently, detach and go on w/your life, so be it. However, I also want to say this, there is no way to guarantee that she'll come out of this and want to come home or that you'll want her after the dust has settled many months/years from now. Do not sit and wait on her, i.e., live your life to the fullest and leave the door ajar.
Sometimes the path is chosen for us and other times, well, we have to make the decision and move forward. I can attest to this, if you do divorce, the madness will not end with the signing of the divorce decree. Your wife will still be a part of the parenting process and she will not snap out of it. Yes, you will be able to move on and hopefully detach from her drama, but it's difficult, especially w/children in the picture.
All that I am asking of you is this...weigh the pros and cons of a divorce, consider your finances and assets and go from there. Take what we suggest with a grain of salt, sift through the advice and do what is best for you and your chidlren.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can attest to this, if you do divorce, the madness will not end with the signing of the divorce decree. Your wife will still be a part of the parenting process and she will not snap out of it. Yes, you will be able to move on and hopefully detach from her drama, but it's difficult, especially w/children in the picture.
