Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[BigJohn]

For 9 years now, I have commuted 3+ hours a day to support my family, as well as working 10-12 hour days. I didn't realize the stress and strain this had on me and our R until the past year or so. As such, one of my goals is to move closer to my work. This means I do not want the marital home, and WAW has also said she does not want the marital home as well, as it will be too big for her without all the family there. That influences a lot on my plans going forward.

IWITW,

First of all, I want you to know that I sympathize greatly with your decision to file for D first. As a survivor of D myself, it was with a heavy heart that I filed first in my sitch. I feel almost as much resentment towards my W for forcing me into filing for D first as I do for her A. It is beyond outrageous how she has treated me and our children during this entire sitch and she will pay a heavy price someday for what she has done. But back to your sitch. You have done the right thing for you and your D8. However, now that you have made your decision, I question the wisdom of your L waiting to file for a week and a half. Frankly, I would file ASAP- don't run the risk of having your W file first and take your momentum away. Once you file, you need to keep that momentum going and stay at least one step or more ahead of your W and her L.

Regarding your position on the family residence, what you said makes sense, so let it go. BTW, don't get down on yourself for busting your a$$ at work for your family. I did the exact same thing and now I've got my W and her marshmellow punk OM making snide comments about my manhood. What a joke. It's a bizarro world our Ws live in.

Investment properties:
These are not rentals, one is a vacant lot, and one is having a house built on it, so essentially 'spec' homes, and right now, nothing but money going out, nothing coming in.

These both sound like problems, although with the vacant lot all you probably have is property taxes to deal with. Any possibility you could quit claim it over to your W in lieu of her taking a chunk of your retirement funds? Just thinking outside the box here. I take it the spec home isn't near work and/or you are upside down on it? Maybe you could work out an agreement with the builder or bank- whoever holds the note on the house- where you could walk away from it with little adverse impact your credit.

Financial Status:
I mentioned that I am the only one at risk her financially, because it is my name, and my name alone on all of the debt, mortgages, etc. She can WAW with no impact to her financially.

From the standpoint of your own credit you are right- if you default on the investment properties for example, you are going to be the one to take the hit on your credit, not her. My point was that- (assuming that Massachusetts isn't too different from California)- she still has a 50% stake in both the community assets and debt regardless of who bought what or ran up debt in either her name or yours.

Why this matters to me currently:
As it stands, she will be the custodial parent, L and everyone have already said I have very little, if any, chance at fighting this, so that puts me in the financial cross hairs. I have seen and read about what can happen if WAW decides to file first, she can put motions in place to force me to pay for everything, including the current marital home mortgage, until a contested D is settled.

I understand that the East Coast is not as progressive as California is when it comes to father's rights. While I appreciate frankness and honesty, I personally don't like people who look at a challenge with a resigned attitude like your L may have. If I were you, I wouldn't want to hear how little my chances of success were at something but rather what I would need to do in order to greatly improve my chances of getting the results I wanted. I have to tell you, your L isn't sounding too impressive right now- is it possible you need to reevaluate whether this person is going to be a strong enough advocate for you? If not, you may want to consider seeking a L in your area who is a specialist in father's rights.

Note that in the above reply, I am not really mentioning what I think, or know, that WAW wants. Although I struggle with the fact that I 'feel' that I should be protecting my W and Family, she has decided she wants out.

Your heart is in the right place. You ARE protecting your family. You need to protect yourself for both your sake as well as for D8's sake. Your W and her issues are secondary now. Even if in your heart of hearts you still hope your W will someday come back to you, how will you be able to help her in the future if you let her destroy you in the present?

As an aside, the WAW will get what she wants, me out of her daily life, but it will not be in the WAY that she wants. She will then be handed a bit of reality as well, and will need to do what she can to provide for herself and d8. I do not say this as spiteful, but it will be what happens.

I understand that she is kind of cake eating currently, as I continue to pay for everything, but I have noticed that as I continue to do so, she becomes less and less caring about my feelings and my sitch, and eventually will start EA or PA while I continue to do so. I need to be out of this sitch by then.

Just continue to operate above board, treat her respectfully and with fairness. Avoid any commentary or R talk with her. You and I both know our sitchs aren't going to end well for our WAWs. Let it play itself out.

Regarding caring less and less for your feelings, I have the same issue with my W- she doesn't give a damn about anything or anyone other than OM. Just last night she commented about how "unfortunate" it was that our kids were going to be "collateral damage" as a result of the D. And you are also right about a potential A and needing to get out before then.

For my d8, we have talked about counseling, and both agree it will likely be needed, we don't have one yet, but I have my IC meeting Thursday and will be asking him for recommendations.

You need to get on top of this. I'd call the school counselor first and work my way out from there. You need to do this for D8's sake. And at the same time it is demonstrative of proactive parenting. Don't let your W take point on this- make this one of your objectives.

Well it's getting late, I have to go for now. Good luck, I'm pulling for you.