Question

[awest1217]

I am having a really tough night tonight. I am trying to stay strong, but last night I only got 2 hours of sleep, which could be the biggest reason it has been tough. H put in for a sub, but S was better so tried to canceled it, but the sub came anyway so H stayed home from work. I just kept thinking all day. He is going to go see OW. I don't know if he did and I honestly don't think he would tell me if he did or not anyway. H made dinner and went out to buy a game for us to play as a family, although S is 2 it was cute to see him try and nice for H to think in that way.

Every night S should be in bed by 8, but since H has been home I am lucky to get him to bed by 9 because H doesn't want to eat until 7 and then there is no time for a bath or anything. S wants to play after dinner or H starts a project S wants to help with so S doesn't get to bed until late (for him). I had a good routine for us both, but now I just feel like my world is caving in around me again. I knew it would be hard, but the trust I feel like I am doing all the trusting blindly and H does not want to ever "prove" anything, but like last night I got upset so instead of yelling and losing my temper, I just walked away and did something else for a while. H came and asked to talk. I said not now because I was still upset (OW text H at 11 at night). Later I find OW text "are you safe? should I come to get you?" I feel like I am constantly on trial and although I have changed and do things like not lose my temper, H just gets upset and says "I should not have come home"

Wednesdays are my day to watch some shows I like. It was when H was gone, my uplifting day. Today I did not get to watch my shows because H wanted to play a game then put up a shower rack and then I had to put S to bed late. I even said at dinner when he asked what we would do tonight that it was the one night I had shows I really liked to watch. It really bothers me that he does not care about my feelings.

I do have to admit, he did make dinner, has been cleaning up around the house, gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek when I left for work so there are baby steps, but I just needed to vent and cry as I typed because if H sees me like this he will bolt. I have to be the strong one.

Sorry this is so all over the place. I need to vent. After going to the lawyer on Monday, especially in IN, I have no real options. H would get partial custody, although he had been absentee for 5+ months and I feel he is not fit to have him over night and can prove reasons why. H would have to pay some child support but nothing back paid because I did not file anything because I want my marriage to work. I just really feel it is best for S and myself to just find some way to detach and have fun when H and I are together and forget about anything else. I really have no hope in things getting intimate between us ever, but I cannot ever let H see S alone overnight. It would kill both of us.

So now I just wait and pray that at some point H will figure out we are really more important that anything else. He really is trying in some aspects. I think I might be hoping for too much too soon. I just don't know. I think I need sleep (only got 2 hours last night and not much since H came back because it is weird to have him in bed and I dont get to do my normal routine because then he cannot sleep).

Taking off Friday to have some me and S time. Hopefully it will rejuvenate me enough to continue on.