Thanks for the welcome! I have read many of your posts and all of us newbies are certainly fortunate to be able to tap into your experiences
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Detaching is all in the attitude. It is not being cold or acting mad and not talking. So many men don't get that. It is acting as if you will be fine with or without her in your life. That is detaching.
I have really tried to detach over the past few weeks and I feel like I have done an OK job of it considering what a mess I was for the first few weeks after the bomb. Actually, I think detaching has been easier since she has (1) not apologized since the revelation of the cheating and (2) The fact that I called her a few weeks ago after I had been in a fairly significant automobile accident and she was all business (did not ask if I was OK!). I also feel like I have recaptured some of the dignity that I lost after groveling and begging for weeks.
The one thing that is really tough is the limboland I am in since I started lovingly detaching, things are calm but there seems to be no progress in any direction. I can't tell if this calm is a good thing wherein she will be able to think things through better or the calm before the storm! I am definitely on a rollercoaster emotionally but am trying to show nothing but calm to her. Some days, I feel like I am going to be OK moving forward w/o the W and other days I just feel hopeless.
I am very upbeat and nice around her, I am just not going out of my way to contact her during the day and have stopped with the flowers and gifts. I do ask her to go out to eat periodically and she does the same with me so hopefully I am not breaking the DB rules by having nights out with her. We are generally able to go out and have a nice night at dinner, concerts, etc. and even though we are able to laugh, joke around and have a good time, it just feels so cold emotionally. I have not yet noticed my 180s making too much difference yet and have not yet started to GAL to a large extent yet. I did go out to a bar one night while my W was out doing something and she did seem like she was surprised when she found out (hopefully that's good!). She also still tries to do nice things for me like buy me stuff that she knows that I like but I wonder if that is the guilt talking.
We are still sleeping in the same bed and every once in a while, she will roll over and we fall asleep hugging. However, this is relatively rare and usually, if we touch, she will recoil (very tough for me to handle).
I have mixed feelings on whether I should try to find out more about potential OM. What is your advice on this?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Don't know if you've seen it or would be interested, but I could give you a list of Do's & Don'ts for the LBS.
I have referred to this list often as it helps keep me on track but I would love if you could post it in my thread so I can have it for easy reference[/quote]
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Your job is to outshine the OM and for her to finally see that you are the better man. That will take time and much, much patient from you. You will have to ask yourself if she is worth the work and the wait. Is she?
Up until this year, she has been the most wonderful thing about my life. I don't know her right now and her selfishness has been off the scale lately but I know that I still love her tremendously and there is so much good about our relationship that she just can't see right now
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If so, then dig in your heels and get to work. She is already convinced that your changes won't last (does that mean you've discussed them with her?). Prove her wrong and decide that these changes are NOT to win her back...but to make you a better man in the future regardless of the outcome of the M.
I am definitely making the changes for me because I know that is the only way this is going to work. Earlier, I had discussed my changes during the groveling phase but I have since stopped and just kept going
