Just talked to H about tomorrow. I'm going to go and have a one on one with the MC, and I'll give H the number so he can call and schedule a one on one for himself. And I have no plans to follow up with H to see if he actually follows through. Because it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I have no faith in his desire to work on this marriage.
I'd put my foot down: "I'm sorry you're tired, but I am on the edge of leaving. Since we were supposed to make the decision to continue together or not at our session tomorrow AND you don't seem to want to make the effort, I will assume your answer to continuing to work on the M is no."
You deserve better.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I'm just too tired and depleted. I cried a lot this week. I'm done with being upset (at least tonight). Maybe I'm more done with him than I realized. I don't feel like fighting about it. I really don't care. If he's going to go the MC, it's because he wants to, not because I made him. I'm doing my thing, with or without him.
I haven't heard a word from H today. I guess I thought he might change his mind, but it looks like I am going by myself after all. He asked to reschedule, not outright cancel, so does that have any impact on whether or not I get out now? That's a question to discuss with the MC tonight, right?
Never mind- he just sent a text that he might go after all. I'm less than excited about his change of heart. I didn't say a word to him- he did that on his own. But I was getting used to the idea of him not being there, and I don't appreciate being jerked around.
It was another way for him to manipulate you. By having you change the appointment then he would not have to face the music for another day or week or month. He keeps putting it off just like he keeps putting you off.
By the time I write this you should have gone to your appointment. I am curious if he showed up and very curious as to what was said and done. Hope to hear an update on that soon.
Hugs from me to you!!!
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
He showed up. We're going to continue the MC for a little while longer. I think we both left the session last night feeling kinda angry, and we're not really making progress.
My problem is I have to learn to speak up at home, and not wait until we get to the MC to voice my feelings. That's his biggest gripe right now- "why can't we have these discussions at home?" I don't know the answer to that- I don't know what I need to do that. And on my end, I'm looking for some sort of acknowledgment of my pain, and I haven't seen that at all. The MC did call H out on his lack of effort at MC. H told him he would step that up. We'll see how that goes.
We both have to give a little to make this work, and that isn't happening. I don't know what I need to do different, what changes I need to make, or how to even interact with H anymore.
You dont speak up at home!?! I seem to remember reading about you telling him how you feel all the time "at home". I also remember reading how he manipulates you with guilt and shuts you down by saying you should be on meds and it's all your insecurities.
Why are you even buying this crap. If you move out and start working on you. You will really see what kind of man he is. Is he capable of putting his feelings aside to validate yours??? I doubt it. He is playing you like a fiddle. Bad habits are hard to break and he wont even consider it until he is a LBS like many on this board.
I commend your loyalty, but dont believe he will take you seriously until you start "Doing what you say and say what you mean... set boundaries.... and show him by your actions that you are not going to "settle" anymore...
I pray that you find the strength to do what you HAVE to do.
